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Post by neodee on Jul 9, 2007 22:04:12 GMT -5
lol..I liked what I saw Spirit Mage
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Post by spiritmage234 on Jul 9, 2007 22:07:55 GMT -5
@chibi: Thanks. I'm tryin not to make it too science fictiony, where I'm gonna hafta do too much CONFUSING research. But I think it's coming along nicely cuz I've always wanted to write a story about a person who is fused with a feline, but wasn't the stereotypical "cat girl." Also, if you didn't know, Kal's codename during the war was "Concolor." This is actually part of the scientific name of the mountain lion, or Puma concolor. You'll see more about this as the story goes on. Also, I would like to add that this story will be told from the first person narrative, from the perspectives of Kalare and Keiko.
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Post by neodee on Jul 9, 2007 22:49:04 GMT -5
Weirdo Short Story Below! ;D [glow=red,2,300] So They Sit[/glow] by: Neo , and you know this It’s a funny story really, but only if you have a good sense of humor. Okay, first, the not so funny part. Darren and I are the last two men left on the planet. Sure, there are other women, but they’ve all been captured by the horde. The hordes are an evil alien race, sent to earth to harvest our water supply, and other natural resources. They’ve done that, and have already flown away. On a minor note, they’ve killed two-thirds of the population in order to do this. Anyway, it’s been like two years now and there has been no sign of any new life around these parts. It rains, but no one comes out into the public for fear of being taken. I know the aliens are gone, I saw them leave. Well, Darren and I ran the local brewery until the invasion. Now we’re stuck here, back to back, waiting for any signs of hope. Every day we eat, and then go about our own affairs. Darren paints on the back wall of the hut, while I play with my cards. I spend my days in solitude, playing solitaire. It was the perfect game for the imperfect situation. Darren seemed to love painting, so I didn’t ever think his obsession with scribbling over the walls was, well, an obsession. Oh yes, me and "Picasso" here made a pact to one another. We vowed that, if one of us acted out in a strange or in an unnatural manner, the other was to shoot him. The Hordes were body snatchers, and we didn’t want to take any chances. It’s actually kind of funny. Here we are, last two men in the village, decimated by a war-torn, blood-letting, horde of fat-ugly aliens; and all we can do is contemplate our next killing. Well, pretty soon, Darren started getting on my nerves. He would ask me to include him in my games, “Solitaire! Solitude! You get me?” I would bellow. The poor brute could hardly even understand what I was saying. My cards where all I had left to remember the old world by. I was not going to let these gems into the hands of a slob like Darren. And so, we lived on like this for days. Life was a deck of cards for me, as for Picasso, he was becoming a little odd. He started to sleep longer, and pretty soon, he stopped painting. He soon began to watch me from off in his corner. He tried to give off a friendly demeanor, but his exterior was cold, and unkempt. I knew of his little scheme before he unhitched it. One night, Darren finally lost it, while I tried to sleep; he made an attempt toward my cards. Luckily, I had my revolver handy under my pillow; I shoved Darren onto the floor and cocked my weapon. He stared up at me with wild eyes, and then renewed his attack. I dodged his rush, sending him into the wall. He fell onto his back, and began to weep like a dog. He cried and pleaded with me to share my cards. “Please! Please Simon! I just wanna a turn! I just wanna turn!” Turn? It was then, that I knew Darren had lost all of his marbles. I aimed and steadied my gun, and fired. The blow jarred his physical and laid him flat. What in the world was a turn? It’s a dog-eat-dog world now, and no one gets anything for free. The only exception would be my cards, in which I never offer to anyone! No one! No Chances! No Turns! Nothing! My cards! My rules! End of story. It was such a pity to see Darren weeping like a little child. Weirdo like him needed to taste death early. He had nothing left to offer this world and our burden crushed him. To think, he wanted to share my cards with me. We shared our water with the aliens and look where that got us. [glow=red,2,300]***END***[/glow]
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ryanj27
Haru
Icon by Sokka gets no respect
Posts: 315
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Post by ryanj27 on Jul 9, 2007 23:32:06 GMT -5
I have this really good idea(my opinion) and what i do to start out stories is kinda give a summary, like the ones on the back of books, tell me how i do, k?
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In a world plagued with monsters, battles and rogue bandits, but also scattered with wizards, sorceres, mystical creatures of good and many more things, Neolyion is a very magical but dangerous world. The newly appointed Queen of Zeon Island, Princess Cecielia, has a problem. The empire she is set to rule in 1 year is battling in war with Kraykia, the sister empire. The war started the day she was born and has been raging for fourteen long years. Cecielia is the heir to become Empress but she is waging her own wars with her counsler; she can't prove it but she knows that he hates her and wants her dead. So does the evil leader of Kraykia, he will go to the extreme to get her out of the way so there will not be an heir. Cecielia has also been having strange dreams of a palace that she is standing next to. She has seen every palace in her empire, Zealia, and she has never seen it. A wish. A dream. A war. Can she stop her enemies before her time is up? The sands of time are ticking. We can only hope she will become... Queen Cecielia
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Post by spiritmage234 on Jul 10, 2007 4:32:24 GMT -5
@neo: Your story is pretty funny. The only thing is that you had an extra character in there when you said that there were only two men alive in the village, the "Picasso" character.
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Post by Paraiba Ocean on Jul 10, 2007 8:58:10 GMT -5
@chibi: I don't know how to make your story better, but from what I've seen, it seems you're doing a pretty good job. Um...make sure Sakura falls in love with Sai slowly...that's about it. xD ryan: Hm...your story seems very cliche, no offense. You're also contradicting yourself with this sentence: "The newly appointed Queen of Zeon Island, Princess Cecielia, has a problem." It's hard to say she's the newly appointed queen if she's still a Princess. Or maybe that's something I don't understand in English...also, in my opinion, it'd be more interesting if the war started after she was born. Like some deal was broken between the countries of Kraykia and Zealia, thus starting the war, but make it a mystery about what it started. (However, I'd advise against doing anything like "well, King of Zealia promised Kraykia a slice of cake, but didn't give him one"...though I doubt you'd do it.) I don't know. That's just my personal input. But take no offense either. XD Just a fellow writing critiquing.
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Post by neodee on Jul 10, 2007 9:36:02 GMT -5
@neo: Your story is pretty funny. The only thing is that you had an extra character in there when you said that there were only two men alive in the village, the "Picasso" character. Picasso was what the narrator would call Darren, because he would painton the walls. I probably should have put "," those around it. Thanks though. . What the heck, I'll add those right now.
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Post by spiritmage234 on Jul 10, 2007 10:11:24 GMT -5
@neo: ditto. ^_^ When it comes to fantasy and sci fi stories, it's hard to escape a cliche storyline the easy way. For instance, with my story, I just noticed how many sci fi movies had a similar story line (Dystopia country, one person/rebels have to bring it down ). I think you just hafta alter your story as best you can so you can get away from the cliche. Basically, add as many plot twists as possible. It works.
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Post by Paraiba Ocean on Jul 10, 2007 10:14:24 GMT -5
There's nothing wrong with cliches, IMO. I watch/read anime/manga that are cliches and I deal with it. It's just you do have to make it different. But I agree. The only thing you can do while writing fantasy or sci-fi is try to make it as different as possible.
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Post by spiritmage234 on Jul 10, 2007 12:47:56 GMT -5
I think the issue that motivates most writers to write cliche sci-fi stories is that sci-fi stories have, well, science in it. Creating a sci-fi story that's not like any other can be really difficult because of the use of scientific terms that no normal writer would know. So that might be a reason. sure is my reason.
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Post by Chibi Chan-o on Jul 10, 2007 20:26:54 GMT -5
@chibi: I don't know how to make your story better, but from what I've seen, it seems you're doing a pretty good job. Um...make sure Sakura falls in love with Sai slowly...that's about it. xD Yup, I'm developing a slow relationship!! I don't want it to be like Romeo and Juliet where they married each other after meeting the night before.
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Post by spiritmage234 on Jul 11, 2007 3:53:11 GMT -5
@chibi: I don't know how to make your story better, but from what I've seen, it seems you're doing a pretty good job. Um...make sure Sakura falls in love with Sai slowly...that's about it. xD Yup, I'm developing a slow relationship!! I don't want it to be like Romeo and Juliet where they married each other after meeting the night before. Yeah slow relationships are always the best. I'm starting to hate that in shoujo manga. I think the only thing I have a hard time writing besides romance scenes (which I don't particulary like writing) are fighting scenes. I have like ten stories that are going along well but I stop right as the action scene is about to unfold. : / Any suggestions?
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pirateliz
Avatar Aang
Co-creator of A Far Cry From Home.
Posts: 1,153
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Post by pirateliz on Jul 11, 2007 8:25:25 GMT -5
I am the suck at writing action scenes. However romance scenes are quite tantalizing fun! You have to make it sexy without turning your entire story into the setting of a smut novel. I can't say what I think of your guys's yet...I hadn't read them (I'm in a hurry and just wanted to post) I've noticed with my two man fanfictions that they have ONE VERY similar theme. War. Both main characters also end up left behind in battle because the commrades think they're dead, they're right handed, and their right arm is attacked. One character ends up losing his arm. However the difference is in the story with Matsu he loses his arm and thats not the whole story. He's gotta find his way back to the Fire Nation! But anyway here's an excert (sp?) from my fanfiction; Ohta ile Helms deep Ela Elda Quentaie en tel Ohta lle Helms Deep. Also known as My Tolkien Elvish sucks! Okay english title is War at Helm's Deep; An Elf's Account of the War at Helm's Deep. Main character is Darathėn and this is a scene from when he's at Helm's Deep. The humans around us looked at us in wonder for a moment before shakily turning back to their posts. They stood in terror and fright, only fighting because they were loyal to their king to the end. Helms Deep was a losing battle, with these men we would merely make a dent in the Uruk-hai army. We marched and stopped and stood facing the outside from the wall. Our bows were ready at our side, waiting for an order from apparently the man that I had seen earlier. I glanced upwards as gray clouds gathered and the thunder began to roll as dusk turned into night. Lightning flashed and the heavens let the rain fall. The raindrops ricocheted off our coats of armor and splattered onto the stones or fell elsewhere. We blinked in the rain, none of us moving as we saw hundreds and thousands of small but glimmering torches come towards the wall. “A Eruchîn ú-dano I faelas a hyn an uben tanatha la faelas!” The man shouted. I later learned he was Aragorn, heir to Isildur and was giving us orders. Endless booming chanting voices echoed across the hollow along with the sharp clangs of armor and the endless droning of footsteps. The dark army came to a stop in front of us beating their armor in rhythm and bellowing to us in the dark language. We watched as the army bellowed and stomped at us. Among the noises I heard one that was not familiar. I heard the sound of an arrow being shot and the sound of it whistling through the air. All fell silent as the Uruk-hai fell down with a hollow moan and collapsed to the ground. “Dartho!” Aragorn cried furiously. Hold, he had told us. One of the older men had let go of his arrows, firing the first shot of the war. The leader of the Uruk-hai held up his sword and let out a bellow and then they all began charging us. “Tangado halad!” Aragorn yelled. We all raised our bows and notched our arrows, aiming and ready to let go. “Faeg I-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc.” I heard Prince Legolas say from somewhere beside me. I would keep this in mind when fighting the Uruk-hai. Aragorn’s first words tumbled in and out of my head. I would show them no mercy, I would return to my wife. “Leitho I philinn!” Aragorn bellowed. The arrows were released. The sound of arrows leaving their bows and whistling through the air filled my ears. The sounds ended with a satisfying crunch into an Uruk-hai and then there was the joy filled sound of the dead Uruk-hai hitting the muddy ground. Many fell but more came to fill their places. “Fire!” The men around us also started to fire. The Uruk-hai were falling but they were getting closer. Soon they were at the edge of the castle and pushing ladders up. “Pendraid!” Aragorn called, pacing back and forth between us. As a ladder came up I gave it a kick and watched it fall downward just as Aragorn yelled. “Swords! Swords!” He drew his sword and so did the rest of us. But I also cheated because he's not awake through the battle! WHOO! No battle scenes for me! Shortly after there is a scene where he's attacked *shuts mouth.* Um, for convenience, here's my handy dandy elvish guide! A Eruchîn ú-dano I faelas a hyn an uben tanatha la faelas! — Show them no mercy for you shall receive none! Dartho! — Hold! Tangado halad! — Prepare to fire! Faeg I-varv dîn na lanc a nu ranc. — Their armor is weak at the neck and beneath the arm. Leitho I philinn! — Release arrows! Pendraid! — Ladders!
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Post by spiritmage234 on Jul 11, 2007 10:36:16 GMT -5
Good job Pirateliz. The only thing that this one suggests is that in your final copy, you should incorporate English and Elvish in the same sentence, so then you won't have to put a big "author's note" box in the page. like Para said, you should give enough detail in your story so you won't have to put author's notes wherever needed.
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Post by Chibi Chan-o on Jul 11, 2007 19:49:59 GMT -5
Heh, the prologue of my fanfic is smut.... But at least it's girl/guy smut!! My friends like writing gay smut.... But I'm trying not to put in too much....
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