My Drabble

[Firerajah the CRYPTIC ☣]

This doesn't really have a plot. I was just trying to give a discriptive background of a place in my head. This is the second one that I have ever written so go easy on me.


Staring out along the sparse fields and Crystal clear waters around my cabin in the mountains is time consuming. I lived here for five years, yet one never gets used to a breathtaking view. The glaring sun against the glassy waters seems to excite the ponds fish into frenzy. The air brings warmth from the western side of my cabin taking with it flower pedals and the aroma of sunflower and magnolia. A few feet away lay a dense forest, scented with pine, mud and aged tree bark. My cabins color a rustic brown, with red brick’s. Heated by my fire and sunlight at night it can get a chill so strong, so dry that could kill within minutes. But it is worth it in the morning when the snow hits the ground bringing with it a calming blissfulness that drowns you in a pool of music that cannot be recited.

[Ilyus]

It's not bad at all. =)
I'll try to give you some understandable critique, but let me know if something I say makes little sense.

Because this is a description (and I realise I am stating the obvious here) you should go more in depth with the five senses.

You mention sight in the very beginning with the breathtaking view, but I (as a reader) would like to know how it is. I have a feeling you imagine a large landscape, and I would like to experience that as well. Also, when describing the sights it helps to stay away from overused phrases such as "crystal clear waters."

Sound is lightly touched upon at the very end, but it is more through narrative than description and it loses its edge as a result. Let's say, for example, you are talking about a specific incident with a friend--you were a driver at a stoplight who zoned out while waiting, and you didn't even notice when the light turned green. It wasn't until someone behind you honked the car horn that you realised you were still behind the wheel and holding up traffic. When describing this event, you could easily talk about it as I have, but it isn't quite as profound as it may have been while you were driving. The loudness of the horn might have been incredibly shocking at the time, comparable to a piercing alarm clock in the morning, but the reader won't hear it if you stick with "someone honked the car horn."
Going back to your drabble, if the "pool of music....cannot be recited" then use a comparison. Make an attempt to let the reader know how fantastic the sound of snow hitting the ground really is.
It would also be nice to know what other sounds occur in this area. Nature is full of them, from the rustling of leaves as the wind blows around the trees, all the way down to hushed movement of insects.

Touch/feeling might not be appropriate beyond what you've already written about the temperature, but there is potential even with these. When it is cold outside, the air often feels light, as if it is only just touching your skin. At the same time, however, it stings--especially when breathing, and it feels as though someone has taken peppermint oil and lined the inside of your nose with it. Conversely, warmth can be heavy and suffocating, a weight that you can sometimes feel on your back when doing something as simple as taking a walk.

Taste is usually very underrated, but it goes hand-in-hand with smell and can even go so far as to enhance the latter. When walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke, the smell is unbearable by itself, but it's that lingering burnt, yet slightly musty taste that's really killer.

The strongest parts here, I'd say, are those appealing to the sense of smell:
"The air brings warmth....and the aroma of sunflower and magnolia"
"A few feet away lay a dense forest, scented with pine, mud and aged tree bark."
As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, they would be well supported with taste. Flowery smells are often sweet on the tongue (just don't eat the petals, or it will ruin everything--take this from someone who has gone through the experience). The same is true for pine, with its overwhelming smell of sap.

Don't be afraid to also describe the downsides of the area, as you've done by mentioning the cold temperatures at night. These will help provide a more realistic description.

I realise this is just a drabble, but when you don't have to worry about plot or characters you can really get into it. Make comparisons, use adjectives, overstimulate our minds with senses that aren't readily available to us but can still be detected.
After all, writing can be loads of fun when you don't have the limitations that come with creating stories.

Edit: One more thing, but it is very small. Try to use varying sentence lengths to keep the passage from sounding choppy. It will really help with the flow of your description, and make transitions between the five senses much easier.