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Post by mentalmishaps on Mar 30, 2007 1:52:32 GMT -5
Whew, my first EVER fanfic! It's what the Gaang, Azula, and Zuko do after the Season Finale. I'd REALLY appreciate any reviews I can get. I don't really write a lot, especially not fanfiction, so I'm hoping that I didn't suck too badly. Also, my fic has (or will have) several OCs thrown in. Most of them are going to get very little fic time, but the one mentioned in this chapter is going to get a good bit of time. I'd like to make sure she isn't turing all Sue on me. www.fanfiction.net/s/3465876/1/There you go! Once again all critism is helpful! |
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Post by sofyh on Mar 30, 2007 13:15:44 GMT -5
I have rewiev this fic on FF.net .. So I just say that I'm impressed. It's a very goodfic for be you first ^^
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Post by Fire Lord Azula on Mar 31, 2007 13:51:32 GMT -5
You sure this is your first fanfic?
Your characterizations are looking very nice. You have everyone's basic personalities down. Morbid as it might sound, I'm glad Aang isn't bouncing around like nothing happened. He just sustained a critical blow and needs time to heal. Most writers skip over it entirely. Good job with that.
I like your incorporation of Song and her mother.
I'm no 'shipper, but I can live with romance as long as it's well-done. And, judging by what you've done so far, it will be, so I'm not worried about it.
I'm very interested in how Azula will maintain control of the city. She's going to have problems? How original! In most 'fics, it's a breeze for her. I want to see how she'll handle unforeseen adversity.
If OC's are done properly, they can actually enhance a story. It's a rare enhancement; most OC's turn into Sues at some point, and my view on them is a bit skewed as result. That said, I'm going to give yours a chance, because they have wonderful potential. I saw nothing objectionable about them, so kudos to you!
I really like where you're going with this. I'll be sure to keep an eye on your progress!
As a side-note, "RR" is often written as "R&R" -- and, yes, it does mean "read and review".
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Post by mentalmishaps on Apr 3, 2007 17:30:23 GMT -5
Thank you both very much! I'm glad I did alright, I just hope I don't start to slide in this chapter. I'm also very worried about getting lost in the world of no plot. It seems most people write a fic with a specific plot in mind and the actions of the characters come with the plot. I'm doing it a bit backwards, so I'm hoping a sort of plot will appear once an actual destination is set for the gaang. Phew, Chapter Two: www.fanfiction.net/s/3465876/2/ |
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Post by Fire Lord Azula on Apr 7, 2007 15:55:00 GMT -5
You're very welcome!
And working "backwards"? I never would've guessed!
Toph's so clever...
Zuko's inner monologue was interesting. Amusing, too. He's trying so hard to reassure himself that he did the right thing; very IC, I feel... and Long Feng will probably wind up wishing he was left in prison, haha.
The performance was done nicely, and your OC's are applaudable. I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter!
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Post by mentalmishaps on Apr 30, 2007 23:04:31 GMT -5
Chapter Three is up! www.fanfiction.net/s/3465876/3/This one took a ton of rewrites, and I still don't know if it flows to anyone else but me. Luckily, the next chapter introduces plans and such, so it should be better and take less time to finish. |
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Post by Fire Lord Azula on Apr 30, 2007 23:54:56 GMT -5
I'm seeing an amazing plot in the making...!
I think it flows just fine. The Earth King's harem... you don't see that mentioned much! What an interesting twist.
Long Feng's got some elaborate plan; I can just tell...
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Kyatto
Kyoshi Azula 
Dance, magic dance!
Posts: 2,228
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Post by Kyatto on May 1, 2007 2:55:56 GMT -5
Earth King's harem....I remember started that thread. Kyatto loves harems ;-;
I read al three of your chapters! You write very well!
A little bit of crit though if you don't mind. Your story likes to push and pull the reader. Like it'll pull you in, stall, then tug you back in again. It's hard to pick up the emotion of the story and the prose itself i basic. IT's very "He said she said. They did this. They went there. etc." There's no real feeling to it if that makes any sense at all. Also, show, don't tell. Instead of using asentene to basically said "This is what he felt" think fo the certain emotions as if you felt them yourelf.
For example, Zuko's apprehension about trusting his sister:
Azula's always been a terrible liar. Why should he believe her now? She was so convincing...Her words so trusting. No! Her eyes held the deviousness that was a surefire ulterior motive. She didn't really care about his honor at all. The offer itself though was so promising...She seemed so sincere....But Uncle! Uncle who had been there all those years, giving nothing but guidance and reassurance...Why would he have betrayed him? Zuko didn't know what to think and chose to go with the flow until he knew the truth for certain.
That's just very basic, but I hope you catch my drift.
Other than that, great job!
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Post by mentalmishaps on May 1, 2007 10:30:01 GMT -5
Thank you both so much! Of course critisism is welcome! It's funny that you should point out that scene, Kyatto. That was one I actually did like that on purpose because I go back and forth with myself like that when I'm guilty about something I did. Meh, maybe it doesn't look the same to other people.  As for my prose and the emotion behind my story I'll try to work on those. I don't really know how to exactly, but I'm sure it'll come eventually. Thank you both again so much, you have no idea how much it means to me to get real critisism from people. Actually you probably do, you are both writers. I'm just glad to know that I'm not incredibly crappy. I've always wanted to write, but never had the guts until now. Thanks again! |
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Post by Fire Lord Azula on May 7, 2007 16:53:09 GMT -5
Again, you're welcome! Prose and emotion will come to you. Those, along with keeping a plot together, are the trickiest things you deal with when writing fanfiction, but they do come with practice. Just keep writing, and try to think about what the characters would do in said situations.
Real criticism is an invaluable tool -- as long as it's constructive! I highly doubt you'll run into any outright slander here on DH, and I hope the same holds true on FF.net. If someone ever flames you, just roll your eyes: those people never know what they're talking about and likely haven't written a story in their lives. I, for one, am really enjoying your fanfic and will be sticking with it to the end! May all the criticism you receive be of the constructive variety.
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Post by mentalmishaps on May 23, 2007 21:47:21 GMT -5
Chapter Four! www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=3465876&chapter=4/Oh boy, I don't know what to think of this one. I tried more description, so I hope that worked out well. I had some trouble with the tone near the end, it went from serious to light and back again without notice, and I couldn't figure out a way to fix it. I also went on a crazy writing explosion, I hope it turned out alright. And yeah, I don't think anyone here would flame. I get them occasionally for AMVs and they make me laugh. Thank you very much for your kind words.  |
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Post by Fire Lord Azula on May 27, 2007 18:33:28 GMT -5
Well, I honestly liked it.
Zuko's dream stuck out the most -- it was shocking and poignant. The interaction between the gAang and your OC's was very well-done, too.
I noticed your use of description go up. Looking very nice! With that application of description comes a tightrope to walk: you don't want to bore your readers with overuse. I'd say you've got a pretty good balance going, so continue!
Again, you're very welcome! You have the right attitude about flamers. Just keep marching!
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Post by mentalmishaps on May 28, 2007 14:41:08 GMT -5
-whew- I'm glad you liked it. I was so nervous about the dream scence. I was worried I had over done it or missed the mark or something. As always, thank you for your critisism! |
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