manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Nov 30, 2007 0:16:41 GMT -5
I'll review Manami also, but I just hope I don't get stuck doing all the reviews. I'm not even that good of a writer.
Anyway, in my opinion, (and I'm no expert as I've said), I find her to be mildly sueish. First of all, it seems that she exists only to be shipped with Teo, and OCs made just for shipping are pretty much automatically sues. I realize that's the whole reason you made the character though, so you don't have to change it, it'll just hinder your efforts if you try to put her in a really compelling fic. The hair thing is alright, I guess; at least its a real color. The other big thing is that you're dealing with rape in the case of her mother (i believe). Any sort of serious, real-world issue like that has to be handled very, very delicately. If you don't think you can pull it off and it's not essential to your character, I'd drop it. Also, although not necessarily a sue-trait, her personality has been done to death. Like, half of all OCs are given personalities at least close to that. Now for the good news: The rest of her profile is fine, not particularly sue-ish at all. I feel the relationship she has with her father is pretty unique and interesting. You've actually done a 180 from the Mary-Sue thing here and the parent survive and use his survival as the thing that burdens the child. Nice job, very interesting. My recommendation to improve the character is to focus more on her relationship with her father. How does it affect her? Does he make her fetch things for him? Does she want him to shut up and stop feeling sorry for himself? What would she say to him if she could speak her mind, and what does she actually say instead? The nice thing about her relationship to her father is that you've set it up so it could lead to a relationship with Teo, as long as the shipping is subservient to Manami's character. That would make a more unique story than just her asking Teo out or visa-versa.
Of course, you should do whatever you want with your characters. I'm just teling you what I like and what could help readers like her more.
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Teoji
Meng
Teo's #1 fangirl
My OTP!
Posts: 285
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Post by Teoji on Nov 30, 2007 13:48:20 GMT -5
thanks for your input Manzai - I'll see if I can do the next analysis, Kay? The rape thing, I'm pretty sure I can handle well, as I've also been there myself (which is where I got the idea) Part of her relationship with her father, and the questions you asked on it, were covered in Flutesong (which it seems noone commented yet), and yes, he does make her do a lot of things for him, and yeah, she does want him to finally start helping himself. But instead of telling him so, she remains the dutiful daughter that must fetch and carry for both him and her mother.
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Post by Currently Suffering HWS on Dec 1, 2007 21:43:25 GMT -5
Name: Ziarre Tu Ling Age: 15/16ish Nation: Fire Nation Bender: Fire Occupation: Runaway Weapons: A double bladed staff, and a hunting knife. Personality: She's headstrong and independent. Ziarre doesn't want to rely on anyone because to her, that's a sign of weakness. She's not someone who will give in quietly, and she doesn't like being tied down. Ziarre is a practical person who sees things logically. She's rather cool-headed compared to other people of her nation, and this allows her to use her bending in extremely resourceful ways. Appearance: Ziarre has a slight, willowy frame. She wears her long, jet black hair down, or sometimes in a thick braid. Her amber colored eyes are often hidden by her hair. Ziarre's skin is alabaster colored as is typical of her country's people. She's malnourished from spending so much time on the run, and she has a badly burned left arm that constantly pains her. History: The Tu Ling's are a Fire Nation noble family who produce body guards for other nobles. They are known for their dedication to protecting their charge, and for their honor in battle. Ziarre has six brothers and no sisters. Her parent's marriage was an arranged one, but her mother and father quickly fell in love. When Ziarre was eight, her family fell deeply into debt. Her father forced his wife into exile and pretended that she died in order to marry another, richer woman. When she was fourteen, her father arranged a marriage to someone who was 20 years older than her. Ziarre was furious. She told her father that he was a greedy old man who killed her mother on purpose just for money. She told him that he had no honor and treated his family like they were trash. Her father retaliated and locked Ziarre in her room, telling her that she would marry and there was nothing she could do to change it. Ziarre used her bending to burn a hole in her bedroom wall in order to escape. She ran away to the docks, and paid a family to pretend that she was their daughter so that she could flee to the Fire Nation Colonies. Ziarre made it to the Colonies and made a small, simple life for herself. She worked as a maid at a local inn, and as part of her payment she was given a room at said inn. Ziarre stayed in the colony for 2 months before she was found by a bounty hunter who was paid by her father to find her. She ran from the colony, leading the bounty hunter on a merry dance through the Earth Kingdom. There were several close calls where he nearly caught her, and on one such occasion, her arm got badly burnt, but the bounty hunter was injured as well. Ziarre staggered through the woods in the western Earth Kingdom, disorientated and severely injured, for days. Finally, she collapsed, only to wake up in a strange place that she later discovers is the Western Air Temple.
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Teoji
Meng
Teo's #1 fangirl
My OTP!
Posts: 285
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Post by Teoji on Dec 2, 2007 0:34:32 GMT -5
While having her difficulties, she does seem to be quite skillful, and the way you portrayed her here does make her seem like a character who is just trying to do what she would like and everything is forced upon her, which puts me in the mind of a Mary Sue. But as she's not as innocent as I think of a Mary Sue as, I'd say she's about as Mary Sue-ish as Suki.
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Post by Sokkas Sarcasm Student on Dec 3, 2007 5:05:43 GMT -5
Name: Captain Harold Meyer
Age: 52
Nation: N/A
Occupation: Captain of the S.S. Phalanx II, a space station on the same orbit cycle as earth. Highest ranking officer onboard.
Weapons: He's not very adept at weapon use, as he was primarily trained in flight combat and tactical open space operations. Still, he will use whatever firearm is necessary for a given situation.
Bender: N/A since the ability is just being discovered as a utilization for combat and he is not even aware of its existence.
Personality: Though he is not known for his leadership skills, they seem to surface at times of need, where he has conjured short inspiring moments for his troops. He is a headstrong man and doesn't sway easily to the opinions of others. His loyalty lies with the people, but he claims utter loyalty to the Theocratic military, believing 100% that their actions are right - up until his unjustifiable banishment.
Appearance: His short white hair is covered in a green military captain's hat, and his face is speckled in white and gray stubbles. Weathered skin and slanted eyes give him a stern demeanor and seem to command respect. He wears a simple blue and green captain's uniform with a myriad of metals awarded for his bravery in stopping countless rebel forces from attacking the Theocracy.
History: Not much is known about Captain Meyer outside of his constant mentioning of unborn grandchildren, giving the men under him an impression that he either has had a family or still has one back on earth. His reasons for choosing the S.S. Phalanx II as his command station and captaining vessel is unclear, but at least one reason is its closeness to earth as he is seen multiple times staring out into space, trying to catch a glimpse of the beautiful blue planet.
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Dec 8, 2007 16:16:51 GMT -5
It's hard to say, since he's not a normal avatar character and there aren't that many details here. But from what I can tell from this and the part of your story he has appeared in, Capt. Meyer is not a sue/stu. Then again, when a character is older than middle age it's pretty hard to make him a sue, since he has the benefit of wisdom and experience and would realistically be at a high level in the military or martial arts/bending, or whatever. (That's just a general point for everyone). Basically, I think he's ok, but tread carefully with these "Unjustifiable banishment" and "mysterious past" things, because those can easily become Sue/stu traits. "unjustifiable banishment" is common among Stus. (e.g: "Gary Stu was a loyal FN soldier until he refused to kill civilains and was unjustifiably banished. He became a runaway...") But it's not automatically Stu thing itself, just something often seen in stus. And you seem like a capable writer, so maybe you'll use the device correctly.
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Post by inu671 on Dec 9, 2007 1:28:52 GMT -5
For fun... Name: Xia (to be honest, undecided, I've reused this name many times because I'm not creative with names) Age: late 20s, probably 28/29 Gender: female Height: eh....5'...2" my mom's height Weight: confidential Goal: 1) be a bum, 2) eat, 3) kill the Avatar (explained later) Physical description: typical Asian face. Black hair hacked short in the back up to the nape of her neck. Hair to the side of her face is kept long (she think's it's cool...crazy). Wears simple white/gray "peasant" clothing. A B-cup at best the poor girl. Has amazingly soft hands for no reason. Mentality: Bascially a psychopath. She can act very sweet, but she's a definite sociopath. Not Azula crazy, even crazier. She'll smother babies and trip old crippled women. She wants to kill the Avatar because she believes it's her destiny. Relationships: A mentally unstable mother and father long dead after an unknown disease. She had a lover, but he committed suicide after watching her do her rounds (coughskills). Overall Description: She was born a very normal and happy child. Living in the Earth kingdom when her town was seiged by Fire Nation soldiers. She can't earth bend, but is good at chopping wood. Helped with killing off soldiers, got mental. Mother got mental, dad got sick. Had a bff, but killed her from paranoia. She ran away from home and went from house to house becoming a well known serial killer. Then the Avatar came back and her fame was long forgotten. She doesn't mind at first, but then she dreams of the Avatar coming to kill HER. So out of paranoia, she searches for him. She's not a skilled warrior, but she's persistant, which aids in her...psychopath...y...ness...yeah. She loves animals, thinks they're her only friends. So she's a vegetarian. Whenever she sees someone eat meat, she stalks them home and it's all history (disembowl, cook them alive and feed to dogs, whatever). She has a loyal Shih Tzu (SQUEAL) puppy who follows her (she keeps him safe and loves him as much as a mother loves her child). This is the only time a person sees her soft side. She never kills in front of him (yes, he) in fear that he won't stay innocent and adorable anymore. She would distract him with a treat at times and quickly finish the job. Sometimes people get lucky. Coliding with the real plot, she finally meets up with the Avatar and attempts to kill him. She stops as soon as she sees Sokka eat meat (oh dear) and starts to hunt after HIM. Toph and her get into a battle (heh) and she loses. This is where we see her actually CRY because she can't find little puppy (aw). Katara, who thought the puppy was a stray (and adorable as heck) gives him back and Xia goes away saying "Ill be back." (and then gets shot by "Ahnuld") no, and she disappears with the puppy licking her chin. All in all, she's based off Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni. I'm not really strange. I just want something unique. I want to add she's not particularly attractive. She has a nice face, attractive enough to get a guy (hence, the lover), but not OVERLY beautiful that guys would try to woo her. Ahaha...I gave her a small chest Phew that was a lot of work!
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Post by avatarasabat on Dec 13, 2007 19:16:40 GMT -5
It's accually cliche really. I've seen alot of these characters around Devart <<;
Anyway I am disappointed that no one reviewed Jigme <<;;
anyway nother airbender character...any thoughts on him?
Name: Senge (Aka The Laughing Lion)
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Nation: Air Nomad
Bender? Yes
Appearance: For someone in his early fourties Senge looks like he permently stuck in his early thirties.
Senge is man around 5'11 and 175lbs. Rich ivory skin, with little hair on legs and arms. Has a brown "S" shaped birth mark right on his inner thigh. Broad shoulders and chest, that has dark brown chest hair from his pectorals down to his abombinals. Strong arms and legs with well defind, biceps, triceps, thighs and calves. He also has wide square shape hands and broad feet. He has healthy mix of well shaped mucles and a healthly layer of fat. His limbs also sport the master's tattoo.
Senge has a pleasing face with some laugh lines on his cheeks and crows feet. Slightly narrow eyes that seem to smile with cool shale gray, he has a fleshy nose with plump lips and dark eyebrows that have a long curve to them. He has periced ears too, for gold studs and fishhook earrings he sports a black goatee. Scalp is free of hair with a sky blue arrow on top
Clothing: As for clothes, Senge wears layered garb of the Northern Air Temple. The first layer is light cotton fundoshi along with a simple cream robe. Second is a pair of tuscan red trousers with a drawstring on the top and they reach to his ankels. Over the light underrobe is his standar saffron colored monk robe with slits that reach to his mid thighs allowing free movement. A goldenrod belt is on his waist, and is disigned like a sash. The high collar is cream and the sleaves are long and bell endded. The main robe is made from woven bison hair.
He also has thick bison hair and flax boots with dark umber straps and the main color is coal black. They are also insulated and reach mid calf. He wear ashwood prayer beads painted dusky orange. The are epilptical shaped and he wears them around his right wrist. The biggest bead is a flat disk with the air whorl in the front and the character for "Faith" on the back. With a bright orange tassle on the end.
Weapons: An Ashwood staff of 7ft in lenght with thin vermillion sails that are 11ft from wingtip to wing tip. Serves a weapon and glider.
Personality:
Senge is very bright and sunny Air Nomad, with his smiling eyes and playful grin. Senge is easy person to get along with. With playful trickster like demenor, Senge does not anger easily, and get along well with even the most obstenate people. But don't take him lightly. Even with his joking manner and child-like view of the world, Senge is a powerful and passionate fighter. Only on extremely rare circumstances will he lose himself to rage. He often keeps his cool in heated battles and is man of mercy. Also has a way with kids.
He's very obeservant with people and just by looking at you can tell if you're lying. Despite his cheerful nature, he does act immature in some instances and laughs at inappropriate times. He doesn't take life seriously and shirks off responsiblity. And chooses when he wants to be helpful.
As of late Senge has been brooding and quiet. But the these rare thoughtful, sulky moods are quick to disipate when one of his students bugs him to join in they're games.
History: Senge's birth was a result of seredipity and sheer luck, for his mother was a western nun named Senacah, she was loving and carefree nun. She as happend to be in very close relations with a yonger monk named Renzin, who happend to be in his mid thirties at that time, with Senacah who was thought to be baren and in her early fourties. Renzin had two previous sons in the Northern air temple, Nima the eldest followed by Yeshe. Senacah thought she will never bear children, which was fine with her, until she had periods of nausa, cramps and bloating. She when to the Western Air Temple healers who dignosied her as...five months pregnant. Senacah was shocked, after having years of inferitity finally she could have at least one child
Senge was born on rainy evening in April, it was so wet outside that many of halls were starting to flood, the midwife had to move Senacah who just started labor upstairs to escape the flooding. After good long night, Senge was born healthy, with a very robust and loud cry. Senacah was grateful that Air Spirits allowed to have healthy son.
After few days Senacah doted on her newborn son. She was first to nurse him, wash him and clothe the newborn airbaby. The nuns were afraid that her attachment to her son would be detrimental when the child is old enough to be taken to the Northern Airtemple. So the elders gave her tasks to keep the time with her son roated evenly among the sisters. It worked, but the damaged has already been done.
Senge grew to be a very energetic baby and toddler. He explored everything in the nursery, He licked, grabbed, kicked, headbutted and pushed everything in play and nursery areas. He was an early walker and nuns had hard time with him getting into the talcum powder, soap, flour and other messes. One nun, Sopa decided to wrap a silk orange ribbon around Senge's middle, and made a makeshift "baby-leash" to keep Senge out of harm and mess.
Senge grew fast, at three he was already showing signs airbending and was loud talker. At four, his first sign of airbending was when Mother Superior came to visit the nursery to count how many males were in the temple. She got a surprise from little Senge when with bright giggle, the air baby sent a gust of air up her gown flashing the nursery her undergarments. The Superior wasn't too emmarrsed, she laughed remarking. "Boy is going sire legion of children when gets old enough."
When he was sent to the Northern air temple, was instant trouble maker, everything from realising lemurs in the dining halls to flatulating airbags undernieth the abbot's chair. He also stole hid the abbot's robes, feeding his mentor monk's lemur laxtives and gave younger monks hallucientic mushrooms once. In all Senge was regared as the Prank King, he was bit of celebrity in the Northern Airtemple as a child.
Abbots dislike many of his pranks, but had the grace not over punish him. The abbot figured it was because he wanted attention. He was giving a lot of it by his mother as small child, but in the big monstary he was regarded a one of hundrends of airchildren. Nothing special. Not mention he was competeing agianst Nima and Yeshe his half brothers, who got praise from their father for their excellent airbending and almost protagy like talent. Senge was only a moderate airbender but a creative one. Renzin was distant from Senge only out of tradition, Yeshe and Nima who were older were the only ones that went out and sought a relationship with their sire out of respect, than affection. Senge wasn't interested in his sire, but he still felt jealous at some points.
Senge grew into adult quickly like he did as a child, made it to master Airbender with lots creative skill, his invented move, was the Lion's Roar when he was in his early twenties, a play on his name meaning: "Lion". Focusing air around his laryx, and throat sending out a constrated blast of air from his mouth. This was standard bending move, but with a very unique twist that made it his own. Most mouth air-blast knock benders down. The Lion's Roar, stuns them. This air blast was constrated enough that the coloquia inside the inner ear is slighly damaged, as well as the bones made for balanced, Causing the victimed to stunned for a little while, in some rare cases...it can even deafen, but Senge wasn't sure about that. Though it's draw back however is that it strains Senge's voice muscles and ( some say chakra) makes his voice and throat very soar. Senge can eaisly loose his voice for weeks. And does not use this move unless it's nessarry
Senge was still very much a prankster and the temple leach, by sneeking into girl's bathing halls in Eastern Air temples. He traveled as well with his bison Popo, or just Po, whom he adopted at age six. He did settled down when he met a young woman named Devika at the West when he was thirdy-two.
Devika was quiet woman, she was excellent with bison and loved to soar on her glider, but she was much more resevered than Senge and more spiritual. Still they met one evening during the Midsummer festivel, and spent hours chatting. Devika love Senge's sense of humor and laughter, while Senge found Devika gentleness and kindness refreshing and wonderful. As they spent time with each other Senge because less reckless and wild-hearted. He gain sense of peace by being with Devika, and comfort.
During a period of four years while Senge was courting, he was appointed as part of the consul of elders, he was in his mid-thiries, and one of the sifu's or teachers of the Northern Airtemple. It was also that time Devika was pregnat with his only child.
Anil's birth was uneventful, Devika was young only in her mid twenties and gave birth easily. Senge was their to witness, which was a tad unorthidox for Air Nomads but still it was acceptible. It was customary for the parents to have little do with the child and let the temple raise the infant. Devika understood but she was still unhappy. Senge on the other hand wasn't happy at all with this fact, and often visited the Western Temple where Devika and Anil where. And demand to see his "wife" and son. They allow him occasionally but the meetings were short. Senge's happest memory however, was holding Anil in his arms in a rocking chair while singing to him.
Life went on however. Senge watch his son grow at a distance. He was eventurally sent to the Southern Airtemple. Devika still writes to him but their relationship has been stagnat. Once was a passionate and wonderful relationship, has become dull and unsatifiying. Senge knew that a "breakup" was in the future, but he tried to avoid it and not let it cloud his normally cheerful nature.
He spends his times now in the temple still pulling pranks, riding his Sky bison Popo and in somecases brooding in the high towers with a book and a bison horn pipe these are rare and fleeting however.
When he isn't sulky, he is out and bout teaching his students and playing airball.
Theme song MDFM: Torpedos (yeah this was for sillies ^^)
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Dec 19, 2007 12:31:24 GMT -5
That's a good character. I like his signature move. Good work on filling in the gaps in terms of airbender culture. I had to do that for a story and I know how it is. Your version of airbender culture is very believeable. I don't think the character has any sue-issues really. The part with the temple flooding at his birth bothered me for an unrelated reason though. I don't know how it could happen since the temple is on a mountain. Unless you're thinking the walls around the courtyard or something are holding the water in, but after centuries of living in the temple, airbenders would have probably found a way to release the water.
Also, give me some time and i'll come back and review jigme.
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Post by avatarasabat on Dec 19, 2007 15:17:50 GMT -5
Jigme is a back a few pages if you look. I think he accually needs a lot more work.
As for the flooding thing. Well lots of factors can contribute. Snow melts and if it has no place go well..there ya go. I don't think flooding was frequent in the mountians, when it does happen, I think Air benders had natural leevies, but sometime parts of the temple might get flooded.
Now however thanks to canon evdiance...<< I might have to change it <<
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Dec 20, 2007 13:36:08 GMT -5
*Goes back and looks* Oh man, Washi was hilarious...*wipes tear of laughter*...anyways... I can see where Jigme could use some work, but he's not terrible; better than a lot of other characters. I'm unfamiliar with the story and context he is supposed to exist in also. I read his profile on pafe 36, and there are some grammar problems. I think I know what you were saying, but you may want to rewrite it just for clarity. First of all, some people think any surviving airbenders are sueish, but I don't mind that at all. I think that doesn't matter if their escape is explained, but some people disagree. I hate to pick on something so important to his personality, but a character who is rebellious and independent like that smacks of a sue. Maybe it's not a sue, maybe it's just seems cliche to me, but these "loose-cannon who plays his own rules" characters show up a lot and they're usuually not good. I guess because it kind of implies that the character does not like his environment, and is therefore a victim of circumstance, which is sueish. It can be overcome with good writing though, like if you really get into his eprsonality growing up and find out why he is that way. You also have to once again define airbender culture and consider how much his mom (Nami) raised him to be an airbender. Because a good airbender would obviously not be such a spitfire, but you also have the influence of the environment he actually grew up in to make him that way. So you have to consider how much of his personality is influenced by each. You could go either way with that, it's just vague in the profile. Jigme lived his life in ridicule, however. Being an Airbender wasn’t so, bad. But not knowing who his father was. Was something else. Getting into fights because of his unknown heritage, was constant event for Jigme as child. Getting picked on because he didn't know his father seems sueish and really makes him out to seem like a victim, although it could be an important point of development if that's what makes him such a spitfire. The fetish for piercings is unique, I like that. That's a good quirk. What's "a bit?" It's sort of minor, but Jigme can already airbend and has a staff. A kama-gama seems like a really flashy weapon, and having one of those for protection is different than just having a dagger for protection. Kama-gama are really hard to use without hurting yourself, so Jigme would have to train a lot in order to use it well. Even if he can't airbend for fear of exposing his identity to the FN, unless he has some special connection to his weapon I would have him just use the staff or some simpler weapon, even a sword. (I know any weapon requires training, but soft weapons, espescially with something sharp on the end, are exceptionally difficult to use). Basically, I feel like he's short on flaws. I can see where you tried to have some, and it does depend on how you write it, but they mostly seem like things that just induce sympathy. For example, getting into a lot of fights isn't really a flaw. Getting into a lot of fights and losing is a flaw. I think he needs to be more like that in some way.
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Post by avatarasabat on Dec 20, 2007 14:25:16 GMT -5
*Goes back and looks* Oh man, Washi was hilarious...*wipes tear of laughter*...anyways... I can see where Jigme could use some work, but he's not terrible; better than a lot of other characters. I'm unfamiliar with the story and context he is supposed to exist in also. I read his profile on pafe 36, and there are some grammar problems. I think I know what you were saying, but you may want to rewrite it just for clarity. First of all, some people think any surviving airbenders are sueish, but I don't mind that at all. I think that doesn't matter if their escape is explained, but some people disagree. Acccually Jigme and the rest of the cast of Brothers of the Typhoon are at the very beginning of the war. During the genocide. I don't understand is this a sue trait. Not all spit fires are cliche, growing up in a confusing lifestyle, where he isn't allowed to be an airbender and his mom is busy working and raising him on his own. It's common for him to be rebellious and nasty tempered. He does have a sweet side. It's just he has to be a badass in method for him to be strong. He does breakdown a few times. have you realized that Jigme is isn't a good airbender? Maybe he is just simply an Equus asinus? Using sterotypes of a paricutlar nation can be just as cliche as being the oppisit. But I try to find a happy medium. As victum of cicrumstance isn't sue trait. I became a foul tempered brat when my dad left my mom. Jigme is Equus asinus because lack of dad. He needs a strong parent and he wasn't around. Another character was Zigsa, but he never took much interest in Jigme. Thing is, his spit fire personaity doesn't have to be circumstance, maybe it just how is brain was hard wired. then it's best not over assume Jigme lived his life in ridicule, however. Being an Airbender wasn’t so, bad. But not knowing who his father was. Was something else. Getting into fights because of his unknown heritage, was constant event for Jigme as child. Accually being picked on for being a bastard child is incredibly common. And realistic, you're seven years old and your doing chores and some earth kingdom punks, starts teasing the fact you're bald. You ignore them but they continued. And one might go. "Hey Di, if we're so mean to you, why don't you get your daddy and have him beat us." Kids start laughing Jigme turns around and clenches his fist. You can see dust circle, and then the brat fires off another quip. "Oh thats right! Di doesn't have a daddy, he's a lousy air-bastard like his mama! I bet if had a dad, his head on fire nation trophy in the Fire Nation Palace." I bet you you'll throw a few punches and try to defend yourself if you were Jigme. I got teased relentlessly as a kid, Everything from having LDs and Aspergers to being divorced and being the black sheep of the class. Kids say hateful terrible things. So do adults. Jigme is confused mainly his mother tells him stories of the temple in privite but once out on the roads she denines she airbender at all. How confusing it that? Just as aspect thats makes him a bit of odd ball. He doesn't make a profession. Just when he short on gold and odd jobs are not enought. So he asks if a lady would like a ride on his big thick staff *wink* (I should get shot for that) Jigme doesn't have a staff, plus it would be a give away. It's sterotypical for a Airbender to carry a glider staff. Flashy as it is. It fits a character like him to have a weapon like that to bluff. Kama-gama does take a lot of training don't think he he hasn't hurt himself I am sure there are plenty of sencarious when he frakin' around with it and... Jigme: *&^#@!!! OWWW dang! Nami: What happen, Di are you ok? Jigme: I'm ok Ma, just get me a bandage and some balm...#$@! I cut my leg again. Nami: Di this is the forth time this week -_-; Jigme: Yeah Ma I know...so before I bleed out can you get me a little help. Something like that. I honestly see know issue with it. Plus my air nomad Mao has a sword >D when did I say he wins most of them. He kicks his Equus asinus kicked all the time! Earthbender whip him goods. He does win a few, but crap he starts he normally looses. he's a trouble starter, and he has identy issues as well as daddy issues. I don't see how those aren't flaws.
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Dec 21, 2007 15:38:02 GMT -5
First I want you to realize: I do like the character. I honestly think he's a good character. I would not say he actually IS a sue. The thing is, (And everyone I review should understand this actually), I don't want to just say "Sounds good" and not give any real input. Because of that, and because you said you thought he needed work, I probably over-analyzed Jigme and picked him apart too much, and if you feel that way I apologize. Sometimes I go too far. Just a bad habit. Generally, he is a very good character. Yeah, you're right. All I really meant to say with this is: don't have him only show his badass side when it will make the reader sympathize and make him look cool, and don't only show the sweet side when it will make the reader sympathize with him and make him look kind. As long as you don't do that, the spitfire aspect would be okay. And maybe you are a good enough writer that you know that already, but I don't know you and I don't know how you write, so sometimes I say things that you already know. Well no. You didn't say that. Most people want their characters to be super-awesome and always come out on top and everything, so if you say a character can bend, or has any kind of skill, and don't specify limitations, people will assume you want him to be good at it, espescially if you're trying to weed out a mary-sue. But if he is not so great at bending, and fighting as you say below, then that's good for the character. I see what you mean now, but I didn't realize this from the original profile. You should add these details. I see what you mean, but he just seems like he has an exeptionally hard life. That can make for a really good, interesting character, but I'm sure you realize it's also something every sue has. It depends how you write it. You seem like a good writer, but I'm just advising caution. LOL... I shouldn't have asked Okay, that's fine as long as it is understood that he has trained with it for a long time This is like the airbending before. You have to explain that he loses, or I'll assume the worse option. But the fact that he loses is good, it's more believeable. I never thought Jigme was a Gary-stu, I just thought certain things about him were trending that way. Some details that you provided in this post helped dimisnish those qualities though, so I think you should put those in the real final-draft character profile. You said you thought he needed work. If you want, you can tell me what you think is wrong with him and I'll try and help you more.
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Post by avatarasabat on Dec 21, 2007 16:23:43 GMT -5
I think I understand him more it's better if I explains like that I wasn't really trying to fight with you. I just need to justify a few things. Glad you think he is a good character. I needed another smar-a** character like Mao :3 If you want an example of my writing you can look up a few of theses. www.fanfiction.net/~bardchild Tell me what you think. BTW mind if I PM another of mine? Ravi He needs the most work since he's brand new and is going to be my new RP character
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Dec 22, 2007 0:57:43 GMT -5
Sure, if you want. I'll try to be less critical this time but no promises. And I'll let you know i don't really RP. I'm more used to creating characters for fics, so I don't know how different you think creating character for that wold be, but I might not be much help.
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