Zutara: 'Skin'

[lunachaos]

Here we go, the fic I've been advertising here for a month has finally been posted!!

I would appreciate some reviews, please

ZOMGHEREITIS!!

And here are some promotion banners MzLazy has made for it:







So tell me what you think please XD

[ryanj27]

good descriptive sentances and stuff

I am not a Zutara fan, so I didnt read the whole thing, no offence. But good job. All that anticipation you brang on people is really going to pay off!

[Orangey]

Luna, I've always loved your fics (you are my favorite Harmonian ) and this one is no exception. You are a terrific writer; your story so far has smooth transitioning and is well-structured. I'll be looking forward to chapter 2.

[lunachaos]

Oh thanks guys!!

[notreal]

AMAZING as always, Tabitha. I love love love love love it! You are a wonderful writer, Update soon, Luff. <3


And I'm stealing the sig, as promised. XD

[falthor]

OMG IT'S HERE!!! MY 1000TH POST! And it's all for you! <3 I will use the reviewing system that I've used for years in my Fan Fiction career. Just warning you; I'm a bit rusty, considering that it has been a while.

. Under the Skin .
. A Review of Luna's "Skin," (Prologue) .
. A Review Written by Falthor .

***

LUNA, I think it is about dang time I review your fic, eh? I will try to be as unbiased as possible in this review, considering that I support the ship of Katara x Aang versus Zuko x Katara. I will judge you on five categories, each of them steadily increasing in importance, starting off with grammar, usage and mechanics; description; characterization and continuity; plot structure; and finally, theme. There is also a bonus category for this, considering that this is a romantic novel: relationship believability. Though you've only released the Prologue and Chapter I of your novel, the amount of material they cover is substantial enough to at least pull important aspects from the fic out into this review. Unfortunately, I only have time to review the Prologue. I'm sorry.

Let us begin.

***

Part I: Grammar and Mechanics

I will start off with this; I am not too much of a grammar analyst as most of the other Fanfic reviewers I know on the old forums I was on in the past. But now, considering that I have learned much in the world of grammar, I will be anal about grammar. Let us begin.

Well, in the beginning of the Prologue, there seems to be some capitalization errors and some misuses of punctuation.

Before the cycle of the Avatars was born, there were four nations. They waged war with each other for too many years to count and eventually brought tragedy and sorrow to all the lands. That is when the first Avatar was born and the nations were pulled together as one large nation.

Not much error here, but the last sentence is worded weirdly. "The nations were pulled together as one large nation?" The "nations" are redundant. I suggest a change in the syntax of your sentence.

During the ages when the Avatars were a new breed, a young woman by the name of Ryaza became the second firebending Avatar. She was a pretty girl with the typical Fire Genes flowing through her blood; dark hair and golden eyes. She emerged just as ambitious and passionate like any other firebender but there is something about her that sets her apart from any other Avatar. Though she may be forgotten, her story could be one of the most important in Avatar history yet. The mistakes she made were unique and never repeated.

Shouldn't "firebending" be capitalized? I mean, Airbending, Waterbending, Earthbending, Firebending. They're all proper nouns. Further, the semicolon after "Fire Genes" isn't necessary. It isn't an addition to a clause that cannot stand by itself; it explains the genes. Therefore, a colon is needed there. You need a comma before "but," considering that there is a natural pause there. "Firebender" should also be capitalized.

In her time no such thing as separate nations existed. There was one nation ruled under the powerful abilities of the Avatar. Each Avatar had a council of 99 men and women; 25 members from each of the elements that the Avatar did not originate from, and 24 members from the same element of the current Avatar. Ryaza was a fire element, so she had 24 fire elemental men and women on her council.

One day Ryaza summoned her water elementals to dam up a Nameless River in the southern lands. The fire elementals felt at their strongest when the water elementals weren’t there to balance them out, and thus found it an appropriate time to propose something new to Ryaza.

There should be a comma after "time." Again, there is an error with your semicolon use. Edit that into a colon, and you are set. I wouldn't say "elements," but more so "nations." How can a person originate from an element? XD "Ryaza was a fire element?" xDDD - impossible!

Next paragraph: There should be a comma after "one day," and "Nameless River" should be put into lowercase.

Whew, you got a lot of errors goin' on here! From now on, I'll just edit them. You'll see my changes and notes in bold and/or in parentheses. ^^

They suggested something (b)old and outrageous: four separate nations to tend to each different element. Ryaza was stunned by the request, but because she was partial to the fire elementals she took it to mind. The earth and air elementals were outraged by such an idea, and told the water elementals immediately once they were back from the river. The water elementals predictably did not like the idea, and this forced Ryaza to deny the fire elementals their request.(Hm...I'm thinking the elementals should be capitalized for formality...) It was not normal for an Avatar to act upon an (trust me on this one...it's "act upon impulse") impulse because it was proposed by their original element. Avatars were taught to remain levelheaded and unbiased about the elements. One nation was the best, for hundreds of years before separate nations only brought destruction to the world. (This sentence is really hard to interpret.)

Ryaza’s council, however, knew of her weakness because she had taken the time to genuinely usher thought to the idea. The fire elementals coveted the idea of being their own nation and finally proving their superiority against the other nations, therefore, when Ryaza was in the eastern lands with her air council members, a war broke out among the fire and water elementals. (Divide this up! This sounds really jumbled.) The earth elementals took the side of the water elementals due to the fact that the fire elementals instigated the whole fight.

Ryaza learned of the disaster a few days after it had begun, and returned to see that chaos had broken loose. She desperately called for order, but the fighting people would not heed (Malapropism...adhere) to her. She was finally forced into battle, (no natural pause) and she brought on her own demise by siding with the fire elementals. Because she sided with one certain group of elementals, especially those who caused the mess, she was executed. She was the first Avatar ever committed to death by the people.

Shortly after that however, the lands were divided into four different nations despite the prior fighting and conviction. Once again, (natural pause) the people were segregated.

Well, you have a lot of puntuation errors and one malapropism. I've offered suggestions on how to make your fic sound a little better and more dramatic (and occasionally a bit formal. XD), but all in all, those mistakes were minor and semi-major. Therefore, I will give you...

+++- Three-and-a-half out of five stars. Don't feel bad. The semi-majors are what brought you down. Overall, that's pretty good. It's slightly above average. ^^

***

Part II: Description

In the Prologue, there wasn't much description; however, there is a small amount that I can critique. Most of it is good and it helps to create some form of a picture in my head. The way in which the narrator describes the whole idea or Ryaza and her power and might as the first Avatar of the world helps me to understand the chaos that the Earth had gone through that she had to reunite it.

The way that you described Ryaza, though, was a bit iffy. There wasn't much to say about her other than the fact that she had "Fire Genes?" Well, if you were to tell someone that they had "Fire Genes," then they will be very confused at that statement. They won't know whether to take that as a complement or as an insult, know what I mean? Therefore, I suggest you add a little more description to the people.

The way you described the "government" of the new, unnamed nation was phenomenal. I distinctly pictured the entire council debating certain things, dressed in different attire, performing different forms of Bending. It was great. Therefore, I award you with:

++++ Four stars out of five. That is very good, Luna, and keep it up in Chapter I, which I will review soon.

Ah, lemme finish the review later. This is taking a lot out of me. Hope you enjoyed it, hun. <3

[lunachaos]

;O

Thanks so much Falthor! I'm glad you liked it and I'm very appreciative you took time for this. I love being critiqued.

Ergh...I had no idea my grammar was so bad >.<;; I'll try to do better next time.

Thanks a ton <3 *glomp*