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Post by avatarasabat on Aug 31, 2007 23:31:56 GMT -5
I have loads of spirit characters, including earth kingdom Slug Spirit...
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Post by highelemental on Aug 31, 2007 23:38:21 GMT -5
I have loads of spirit characters, including earth kingdom Slug Spirit... Me too but I based them off more of Chinese creatures, like I have the Qilin as the Earth Spirit and the Fenghuang as the Sky Spirit. Heck, I even made Spirirts based off of the the three main characters from Journey to the West, Sun Wukong, Zhu Bajie, and Sha Wujing.
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Post by avatarasabat on Sept 1, 2007 0:09:08 GMT -5
I have Akash and Vayu as my air and sky spirits. Akash is huge eagle.
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Post by highelemental on Sept 1, 2007 0:21:34 GMT -5
I don't have any eagles, but I do have the Four Chinese Celestial Animals (Turtle, Tiger, Dragon, and Phoenix) as the big gods of the Avatar World. Well anyway to get back on topic I got some other characters, they're semi-fan made because they're actually the characters from the card game that aren't considered canon. I just spruced up their characters and changed their origins around a bit. Name: Malu Age: 115 Species: Once Human; now a Demi-Spirit. Bender: Air Weapons: The Air Nomad staff/glider Skill Level: Being half Spirit gives her more power than most mortals but she’s not especially strong when in comparison to the major Spirits. Appearance: Family: Her biological family has been long dead but Fenghuang, the Spirit of the Sky, is like a mother figure to her. Personality/Flaws: Malu is brave and loyal but also stubborn and hot-headed, making it very hard to change her mind. She’s not very trusting after what happened to her family and friends so it’s rather difficult for her to be nice to new people. Malu hates the Fire Nation and its people; believing them all to be blood-thirsty savages, this hatred has lasted for a century and doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon. History: Malu was a student at the Eastern Air Temple, the Air Temple were the Air Sisters resided and where young female Airbenders trained before moving out to the world. When the Fire Nation attacked the temple a century ago they did not show any ounce of mercy in killing each and every woman and girl in the temple. Even though she was mortally wounded Malu’s mother took her daughter away from the massacre and into the neighboring mountain peaks. There the two made into the shrine of Fenghuang, the Sprit of the Sky and Airbending. As her last dying act, Malu’s mother prayed to Fenghuang to protect Malu from the brutal invaders. She then died but Fenghuang fulfilled her prayer and took in Malu as one of her own, making her a Demi-Spirit blessed with eternal youth like the other Spirits but still in human form. Years passed and Malu protected her old home from the Fire Nation and became friends with one Guru Pathik who decided to settle there. One day a Fire Nation soldier came to her and pleaded with her to take him to the Spirit World so he could see his dead son one last time. After much convincing Malu decided to make an exception for the man who she saw was different than the rest of his people. This man was General Iroh and what Malu showed him in the Spirit World changed his entire view on life and the war forever… --------------------------------------------- Name: Kinto Age: 18 Species: Human Bender: Water Weapons: None Skill Level: An above average Waterbender, Kinto is no master but he still can very much hold his own. Appearance: Family: He does have a family but because of his dishonorable actions they have disowned him. Personality/Flaws: Kinto loves playing jokes and pulling pranks, the problem is he likes taking them too far to point where it becomes a near sadistic enjoyment. Kinto rarely takes anything seriously and disregards rules and authority. He also doesn’t care if anyone gets hurts in one his pranks usually because he’s the only one that finds them funny. Kinto is also rather of a chauvinist due to the Northern Water Tribe’s mindset and his own personal attitude. One of the few positive attributes about him is that he loves adventure and travels the world on his boat. History: Kinto was notorious for his pranks in his old home of the Northern Water Tribe, they started out funny for everyone but as years passed on it seemed that Kinto was the only person that enjoyed them. One day one of his pranks went too far and it broke the Water Tribe’s greatest taboo, he bended the water in someone’s body making them a living puppet. Chief Arnook and the Tribe Elders were outraged and sentenced Kinto into life-long exile outside of the Northern and Southern Water Tribes. Kinto actually was pleased with this; he always wanted to explore the world and was excited to be given the opportunity. So from that day on he’s been traveling the word on his ship, The Cruel Irony, with his band of pirates. He and his crew have become feared around Earth Kingdom waters and even the Fire Nation has begun to grow wary of him.
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aquavi
Casual Zuko
Yay for old skool!
Posts: 981
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Post by aquavi on Sept 2, 2007 11:23:40 GMT -5
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Post by avatarasabat on Sept 2, 2007 15:23:31 GMT -5
Hey when are you gonna do another grading?
*Waits for Jigme*
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aquavi
Casual Zuko
Yay for old skool!
Posts: 981
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Post by aquavi on Sept 2, 2007 19:07:43 GMT -5
When someone else does it first. >>; While it's nice that people respect my opinion, this is hardly my thread and other people should put some effort in too. :pouts:
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Post by Eman5805 on Sept 3, 2007 12:32:24 GMT -5
How about this one? Stu? Or a decent character? Any tips or suggestions?
Quick summary of the world my OCs exists in: Avatar Aang has unexpected died at the young age of 24. The world is still hissing from the sting from the Fire Nation's war as they try to rebuild and recent events the world over has people believing a second war is brewing. After 16 years of unrest, the world believes some order will be restored with the revealing of the new Avatar. However, the Water Tribe doesn't disclose the identity of the new Avatar. It is a matter of conflicting stories as the Water Tribe both confirms and denies that the Avatar was born in either pole tribes or into the lesser known and further isolated Swamp Tribes.
Then, serving only to aggravate the world's worries, news of mysterious and violent deaths are surfacing and at steadily growing numbers. The testimony from the only known witness, an old homeless man, for the identity the culprits? Shadow creatures...
Name: Rexsten rka(rather known as) Ezeru Age: 17 Height/Weight: 6'5"/230lbs Abilities: Earthbender with combo of physical and bending power. Uses Earthbending to move in straight line directions with explosive bursts, gets a lot of height on Earthbending boosted jumps. Frontal attacks on him are all but useless, as they will be met with his right fist. Lacks the agility to dodge attacks. Has slow foot speed and stamina fails him in long fights. Can stick his right hand into the ground and get a solid read out of people's positions, but isn't nearly as refined as Toph's sense. Appearance: Dark green eyes. Full head of jet black hair with a long, middle of back length ponytail. Right arm is heavily wrapped in bandages at all times. Usually wearing his gasa(bowl shaped hat). Looks cut from the earth he bends, with thickly muscled body. Has a deep, resonating voice, and is often mistaken for being much older. Personality/Flaws: Stubborn mindset and clings heavily to first impressions or opinions, which is usually a bad one. Inherited a deep dislike of the Fire Nation. Too strong for his own good and has hard time doing things that require delicate movements. Throughly enjoys hard physical labor. Refuses to Earthbend unless training or in a fight. History: Rexsten's life has been negatively effected by his father since before he was even born. His father was once an esteemed Earth Kingdom lieutenant and capable soldier, known for his large stature and commanding voice. But he also known for attacking anyone with a supposed connection to the Fire Nation regardless of gender or age. His out of control actions resulted in his dishonorable discharge from the Earth Kingdom army.
The loss of rank only furthered his aggression. He left Ba Sing Se, along with his one time lover, Giala. His vendetta with the Fire Nation earned him many nicknames such as "Rex the Rampage", "Rex the Renegade", "Rex the Rebel", etc. He was a man wanted with a large bounty on his head. Then, for reasons unknown, "Rex the Renegade" vanished, with no trace of his existence left, save for his son, who was born soon after. The bounty on "Rex the Rampage"'s head was never lifted as no proof of death could be found...
Rexsten hates his father and everything about him. Rexsten grew his hair long, only because his father was known for being bald and gives his name as only Ezeru.
Rexsten could never attend schools for long as teachers were afraid of him, being the son of the renegade as well as always being a head taller than everyone around him, and he was constantly breaking writing utensil and furniture. Rexsten never learned to read or write. As Rexsten got older, he gathered more unwanted attention at being the son of, and having the same name as, such an infamous person. To protect her son, Rexsten's mother and aunt decided to leave Ba Sing Se to stay in a small town. Unable to earn a living as a scholar like Rexsten wanted, he discovered a passion for hard labor and honing his bending abilities.
Rexsten would like nothing better than to remove the stain on his life that being his father's son has given him, and vowed to make a mends for his father's sins by helping however he could, which he believes is being as unlike his father as possible. However, since his father disappeared before Rexsten was born, he never actually met him. Which begs the question: How does someone try to act nothing like a man he's never known?
Current Situation: The mysterious murders have struck close to home as someone Rexsten knew well has turned up dead. While Rexsten knew the man wasn't one of societies pluses, he often wonders what could be behind these deaths, and if the murder's motive is in fact a bad one. Rexsten may soon find out...
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Post by zutaraian4life on Nov 4, 2007 12:16:26 GMT -5
Heres my OC! Name: Jie Bends: Fire/Lightning Nation: Fire Age: 13 Hair: She likes to keep her brown hair down but if she has to she'll were it in a bun. Eyes: Deep blue, almost purple. Height: 5"3 Description:Sarcastic, dramatic, loves to tease, and is good at making up names. She is very proud of her position and power but Jie loves her mother and her friends and would sacrifice everything to save them. She loves to fight but won't start one. She is nice to most and loves bending. She is a VERY powerful firebender History: Before she was born, her parents(Fire Lady Katara and Fire Lord Zuko) got in a fight and her mother ran away. When an epidemic hit the fire nation she became the painted lady again, traveling around helping people. Katara had Jie soon after, and she became another painted lady. Jie found out she was a fire bender at an early age and she and her mother desided traveled to the capital to find her a master. On the way there Jie saved a boy orphan who as she later found out was an earthbender and has had a crush on him ever since. Jie's only weakness is darts . She is unable to block them with her firebending and is not quick enough to avoid them. After Jie masters firebending(it took about two years, she is now 15) , they in counter a knife thrower determined to stop them. Likes: Bending, Fighting, Saving people, Lee (The boy she saved). Dislikes: Meetings, Dresses, her father, snobs, and disrespect. Thats it. Hope you like her.
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Post by Empy on Nov 4, 2007 12:57:44 GMT -5
Hmmm... Well, the master bender thing at the age of 13 is a Mary-Sue-ish. Also the fact that she is Zuko and Katara's daughter might be a Sue characteristic as well. Your faults don't really seem like faults so maybe try to create more depth. Also, she appears to have mastered bending really quickly without a master for the most part (did she ever find one?) so there should be some tweaks there as well. I think oyu have a very interesting character but she does need some work in a few areas.
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Post by zutaraian4life on Nov 4, 2007 17:07:35 GMT -5
Hmmm... Well, the master bender thing at the age of 13 is a Mary-Sue-ish. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure what age to make her, but I'll work on that! And sometimes in Avatar benders master bending really fast like Katara, she mastered waterbending in hardly any time at all, And Aang he has one summer to master 3 elements(but then again he IS the avatar)! Thanks for the help! ;D
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Nov 13, 2007 21:40:11 GMT -5
I have a new OC for a story i'm working on, about an avatar prior to Aang. (I actually have a whole cast that goes with him, but let's see the responses this guy gets for now). I think there might be some troublesome traits that could be sue/stu if not handled correctly, so I want to see what people think before I write this story. Name: Ban Zhengyi (surname first) Age/Sex: 15 (for most of the story), Male Nation/Bender: Avatar, native to Earth Kingdom Appearance: Zhengyi has a short and stocky build. He’s only about 5’ 2", and sometimes becomes embarrassed about his height. He lifts stone weights as a hobby and form of exercise, so the muscles in his arms and chest are fairly well developed, befitting an earthbender, although his other muscles are less so. He is moon-faced, with very short, sort of peach fuzz hair. He wears a forest green vest with black trim, and tan pants that have drawstrings to close just below the knees. He also wears a pale green yi with black trim, and in colder weather adds black leg wraps or footless greaves similar to those earthbending soldiers wear. On the right side of his chest he has a stylized tattoo of a growling pygmy puma, the mascot of the Ban Clan, which glows when he enters the Avatar State. History: Zhengyi was born 1200 years before Aang, into one of the most powerful clans in the Hei Chaoliu, the criminal underworld of the Earth Kingdom. His father was Ban Ti Xi, one of the most honorable of the Hei Chaoliu bosses. Ti Xi had turned his clan into the most powerful in Ba Sing Se, possibly the whole Earth Kingdom, through kindness and noblesse oblige to his customers. Due to the politics of organized crime, his father and mother were forced to remain unmarried. The identity of his mother was unknown to all but Ti Xi and his most loyal follower, Sin Cao “The Claw.” Despite being an outlaw, Cao was an honorable and spiritual man. He was aware that Zhengyi was born within minutes of the previous Avatar, Maiara’s, death. He had an Earth spiritualist test the boy with the Avatar Relics, and it was determined that he was indeed the Avatar. One of Ti Xi’s other advisors, the traitorous Er Shi “One-Eyed” Wu, also discovered Zhengyi’s identity. Before Ti Xi could be informed of his son’s identity, Wu staged a coup and killed Ti Xi in his sleep. He framed a rival gang for the assassination and raised Zhengyi, developing his bending abilities and using him as an enforcer. Zhengyi grew up tough and aggressive, but he was also somewhat spoiled because Wu needed to accommodate him to utilize his abilities. However, he retained some of his father’s goodness, and also received a sense of honor and morality from his kindly nursemaid, Ying Su. One day in his fifteenth year, Zhengyi helped Wu win a fight with a rival clan. That night, he couldn’t sleep. Fu Shan, his pygmy puma animal guide, woke him up, and for some reason, led him through the gang’s compound to where Wu was drinking with his men. Wu was raving about how brilliant his plan was, and in his hubris he began to talk about how he had killed Ti Xi. Zhengyi overheard and attacked Wu in anger. He failed to realize that it was Wu who had paid all his trainers over the years. Wu had made sure there were certain flaws in Zhengyi’s form, which Wu had also trained to exploit. Zhengyi only escaped with his life because Ying Su and his friends came to his rescue. They escaped into Ba Sing Se. After convalescence, Zhengyi swore to travel the world and get the training he needed to avenge his father, and his story begins. He’s going to learn what it means to be the Avatar, and how to live for more than revenge as he struggles to claim his place as the Heir of Ban. Personality: His personality changes over the course of the story. He can sometimes be insensitive and kind of a meathead, but his heart is usually in the right place. He begins as an enthusiastic, usually happy teenage boy, although he is tough, sometimes arrogant, intensely loyal to his clan and proud of his position as heir. That’s most of the reason he was willing to act as a fighter for Wu. He is more proud of that than of being the Avatar, which he sees as only being valuable since it enables him to bend the other elements and fight better. To be fair, Zhengyi does not know much about what being the Avatar is all about since Wu never cared to teach him any spiritual tradition. At the same time, he's not a ruthless killer or anything. He is aggressive, but these impulses are tempered by his kind nursemaid's teachings, and he refuses to kill or maim anyone for Wu. Wu accomodates him for the sake of using his abilities. In many ways though, his childhood was normal. He has a pet pygmy puma, Fu Shan, who is also his animal guide, and he has a few friends his own age, mostly the children of other clan retainers. His best friends are Sin Fung, Cao the Claw’s daughter, and Heung Chu, whose father runs a gambling house for the clan. One of his favorite hobbies, apart from bending, was lifting weights, which he could get whenever he wanted by bending them from stone. He always felt a little anger at never knowing his father or mother, and lifting was a way to get it out. However, his personality changes after he discovers Wu actually killed his father. He becomes a little bitterer and develops a “not-my-problem” attitude. Until then, his father’s death had not affected him that much, since Zhengyi never knew him to begin with. But as his journey progresses, he accepts his role as the Avatar more and more, and starts helping people and doing good for it’s own sake. In other words, he becomes a better, nicer person. Regarding his bending skill, he naturally has a lot of raw power, and he is highly advanced, almost approaching mastery, but only with some techniques. This is only because Wu had him trained all his life specifically to be a fighting bender. His overall ability has a lot of holes however, and his pride or lack of focus can easily trip him up in a fight. Wu paid some corrupt water- and firebenders to train him, but he is much less advanced with these than earthbending, since renegade benders willing to work with criminals lack the spirituality to be true masters. Zhengyi cannot airbend at all, since airbenders willing to work with criminals are basically nonexistent. ---------------------------------------- I have to add some notes because I know certain things seem particularly sue-ish. First of all, the format of this story is basically what one of the rumored "additional story arcs" might be like. It's the story of another avatar and his particular quest to master the elements, defeat a dangerous foe, and grow up. It will be multichaptered, with each chapter serving as an "episode" in a series, but it will be written in narrative format, not script, with probably one or two books. The first thing I know everyone's going to say is that his parents being dead is a Sue trait. I understand that, but the whole idea with this is how having a family complicates the avatar's position, and that someone could manipulate the avatar if they had a close relationship. His father being dead provides motivation for the character, and I can't think of another motivator that works for that situation. If anyone suggests something I'll consider it, but I honestly don't know how else to write it. Zhengyi also idolizes his father because he died before Zhengyi could get to know him, but over time he learns his father wasn't so great, and it becomes a large part of his character growth. I've also tried to tone down the sueishness of it, I didn't have his father killed in front of him or anything. The other thing is that his mother is actually alive (although he didn't know her either) but it's like a big reveal in the story and I don't want to give it away if anybody reads it. I also hope I didn't make his bending too powerful or anything. He's not supposed to be any better than the characters in the show, anyway, and he's older than most of them. Plus, he is the avatar. The tattoo may seem gaudy but it's not there because I think tattoos look cool (although I do ). It's a nod to yakuza tattoos. I did some research on the triads and yakuza to write this. I figured if there's organized crime in Asia, there's gotta be organized crime in the avatar world, and I also wondered what an avatar would be like if he were raised in a bad environment and didn't have Aang's good nature, so I combined the ideas. Most of the characters' names are references to the triads. Also, I think the weightlifting might sound like a self-insert to some, but it's not. I'm a scrawny animation fanboy. I just wanted him to seem kind of stereotypical for an earthbender, like The Boulder or something. As he broadens his horizons this will also become an aspect of character growth. By the way, do any of the people who posted back in september and august still want their characters reviewed? I mean, I'll review them if someone lets me know, but I don't have many credentials as a writer.
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Post by Wordweaver on Nov 16, 2007 23:06:31 GMT -5
Greetings, all! I just discovered this forum yesterday, and I thought I'd spend my first post doing something constructive. Now, since I don't normally include OCs in my works of fan-fiction, I'll be introducing my newest Avatar-verse role-playing character. He's only existed for roughly four days, so certain parts of his character may be a little... Crude. That's actually why I'm posting this: A bit of constructive criticism may help me develop him further. So, without further ado... Name: He has recently taken the name "De Le", and his original name is something he keeps to himself. It's pronounced "Dee Lee", and he usually prefers to simply be called by the first part. Nationality: Fire Nation; fugitive. Age: Twenty-three. Skills of Note: He's a Firebender, though he's barely skilled enough to land a blow on an immobile target. In fact, he's much more likely to blow himself up than anything else. Due to this inborn inability, he's learned to rely more on other talents. He's good with traps and stealth, despite his outwardly clumsy demeanor, but is practically useless in a head-on fight (though he's amazingly skilled at dodging and fleeing). You might say that his unusual talent for getting in and out of trouble qualifies as a skill, and it's really the only thing that he has to brag about. Appearance: Despite being fully grown, De still appears very child-like. Due to a wretched thing called "precocious puberty", an unknown condition in his world, De began "maturing" at a much younger age than normal. This left him at a height much smaller than most adult men (at 5'4", he's actually shorter than many women), and a somewhat babyish face. He also has trouble keeping a healthy weight, and is even skinnier than usual now that he doesn't have a steady diet. De's skin is naturally pale, and doesn't take very well to excessive sunlight (despite his heritage). His hair is a contrast to this, as it's a dark enough shade of brown to be mistaken for black (though again, sunlight helps to bleach it a little). His eyes are one of the few things he has going for him, since his face is more "cute" than "handsome". Said eyes are an odd mix of ashy gray and deep amber; The latter centers around his pupils, and gradually bleeds into the former until it reaches the edges of his irises. This unusual trait is hereditary, and is a small pride within his family. Peppered all over his body are an assortment of old burns, though every one of them can easily be hidden beneath his usual clothing. Most of these he gained through his own failed attempts at Firebending, though a few of them can be attributed to some badly timed scuffles with other more skilled practicers of the art. To add to his collection of disfigurements, he's also missing his ring and little fingers from his left hand. In order to cover some of these outstanding marks, he usually wears garments that are too large for him. He's just not comfortable unless his sleeves come at least two inches past his fingers; Never mind the difficulty that presents when Firebending. His current ensemble consists of a dark green tunic that comes down just above his knees; the sleeves of which dangle four inches past the tips of his fingers, a pair of loose-fitting gray pants, and some rather beaten sandals. To top it all off, he wears a conical-shaped straw hat to help protect from the sun (and sometimes wears it just because he likes it). Personality: De is quirky to an extreme. He's hyperactive, immature, mischievous, moody, overly friendly, and he smiles a great deal too much. His mood-swings are, if not bipolar, very close to it. He can switch between mischievous and murderous, and back again, in ten seconds flat - but his nature is already so chaotic that most people probably wouldn't notice these changes right away. Despite all of this, he's inordinately adaptable and resourceful - he's had to be in order to simply live. Over the years, he's managed to turn his unpredictability into a sort of advantage. His usually unfortunate clumsiness can even come in handy at times. One more odd, though rarely realized part of his personality, is the cunning side of his mind. This side is quite different from his usual bubbly persona, and makes him perfectly capable of deviousness. It's the trickster's demeanor that's present in everything he does, which is usually manifested in more innocent ways, put to different uses. In some instances, it can even make him seem like a completely different person. Background: Born in the heart of the Fire Nation, to parents of good but not excellent social standing, De had a fairly normal childhood. His parents cared for him, and expected a great deal from him; The same as most parents in their positions. His father held a fairly high rank within the military, as was the tradition in their family, and his mother was a caring soul who tried to be as active in their community as she could as she raised her children. De was the third and last child in the bunch, and his parents were strict - on all of them, equally, and expected equal greatness. His siblings and he grew peacefully, competing with each-other in as much of a good nature as siblings can, until De reached the age of six. At that time, De reached a sudden growth spurt, and excelled past his siblings both physically and mentally. His parents were dumbfounded, but proud, and continued to teach, train, and nurture him. He watched his older siblings - a brother and sister - enter school, and he felt curious instead of jealous. Contrary to what one might expect, his parents began focusing on supporting their eldest children just a little bit more, instead of the other way around. De continued to watch, suddenly becoming bored with his studies. He began entertaining himself with pranks- little things that would annoy his silings and parents, but otherwise continued on normally. De showed no signs of abnormality until he began formal schooling. He developed a habit of spacing out in class, and his pranks became more frequent and more daring. Despite his innate ability to bend fire, he responded badly to instruction - or rather, despite his best efforts, produced no results. Still, he got along well with most of the other students, and made friends easily. Yet this became something of a disciplinary issue when he involved his classmates in his pranks. His parents became concerned for him when they learned of this, and attempted to cure him of it with more rigid rule. They had groomed him for a career in the military, as they had his siblings, and were not about to let the effort go to waste. After graduating (which he accomplished with non-phenomenal grades, but accomplished it nonetheless), he joined the military at the usual age. Here is where he took a turn for the worse. Unable to use his pranks as an outlet, his demeanor became less stable. He began having progressively worsening mood-swings, which meant he could be happily chatting with a fellow one moment, and spitting cold insults the next. A superior officer who had shown him favor before became concerned, and attempted to help. This, however, backfired - De only worsened drastically, having breakdowns on-duty and spats with his counterparts off-duty. Before he could be taken off-duty, everything culminated in the most horrid way. In the middle of an unexpected attack by Earth Kingdom agents, De turned on his superior, managing to cause the man's death, and fled. De escaped the site with heavy wounds, shed his Fire Nation garb, and hobbled his way into the nearest Earth Kingdom village he could find as a poor, almost-naked beggar. Taken as a refugee, he managed to get some clothes and medical treatment, and spent a few weeks recuperating as well as he could. He knew he didn't have time to stay though, and he was right: The village was far too close to the destruction, and those who didn't flee to safer places soon came under attack. He ran with the other refugees, but took up wandering when he discovered his (suspected) status as a wanted criminal with the Fire Nation. He began covering his distinguishing traits, and took his current name: "De Le". Notes: On the Name: I'm not sure what his original name should be, since I don't know what Fire Nation names are based on (most that I've seen have an awful lot of "z"s, and I have no idea what culture does that). "De Le" is Korean, to my knowledge, and a friend of mine tells me that yes, that's the way it's usually spelled. I don't know what it means. I think it's a pretty common name, and that's what I was going for. Nationality: Yes, I know it's cliche as hell. But the ideas that I got from that episode would not leave me alone. Heck, if that silly guy with the fireworks can do it, De can too. Skills of Note: Even if he's bad at Firebending and cowardly, it doesn't mean that he's helpless - in fact, he was far less useless in a fight before he defected. You can't be raised for a life of fighting without learning a few things from it. So please don't take the "skills of note" section as an indication of helplessness - he'd just prefer to run than fight, and usually avoids fighting if at all possible. But that doesn't mean that he's any kind of master, either: He's just capable of defending himself when it comes down to it. Personality: Most of De's problems are things that would have occurred regardless of whether he joined the military - you might recognize a few real disorders. But the fact that he joined the military, and what happened at that time, did make it progress faster and more severely. And, no, he's not insane - at least not straight-jacket insane. He's capable of acting like a halfway normal human being. Background: Alright, I intentionally left some parts of this vague - I don't know what the general rating of this board is, but I'm pretty sure some people would've been offended. The worst parts are what leads up to De's defection, and I know that it wouldn't have been appropriate for younger readers. Just know that he had a reason for what he did, even if it wasn't completely justifiable. So he didn't just up and decide to off his superior and betray his country out of the clear blue (and again, he's crazy, but not a total nutcase). Alright, I'd like to blame all incoherence on the fact that I've had A Perfect Circle running for HOURS, but... Meh. I'm not that shallow. > Edit: Wewt for forgetting to note how long De's hair is, what style it is, and stuff. I'll fix that. When my brain isn't about to explode.
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Nov 19, 2007 19:46:50 GMT -5
I'll review De Le. I'm no expert, but I'll let you know what I think. First of all, he seems pretty good in general. I don't think there's anything you need to drop completely, but there are certain items you may need to be careful with. It depends how well you write, or I guess role-play, them. First of all, you should probably explain the "why" of some of his traits a little more, e.g. Why is he uncomfortable unless his sleeves are too long? Why does he have fingers missing? How did he learn to make traps? There are other things too...And maybe you know in your head and just forgot to put the reasons in your post, but unless these things have reasons they make the character appear shallow. The reason may just be that it's part of his psychosis, but you should at least know in your head what the reason is. (Also, having that many disfigurements on one guy may be a little over-the-top stu-ish, unless they're important somehow. One or two scars is fine). Now this may not be a totally accurate appraisal since I know you left some things purposely vague. I assumed when he attacked his superior it was just part of his mental disorder. I can't identify what his disorder(s?) is, and it may be my problem because I don't know about that stuff (which is why you should probably get another reviewer), but make sure whatever his problem is that it is well-defined. Meaning, if he has bipolar disorder don't have him do things a schizophrenic does (unless he has both, I guess). You seem to have done your research, but just know that if you write for a mental disorder, make sure you do it right. I avoid them cause I can't write for characters with mental disorders And again, I don't actually see any of these problems here, I'm just advising caution. And I am also left wondering what his goal is after fleeing the army. It's not essential, but it would make it a little easier to get a feel for his character. But yeah, basically it's good. i don't think you have anything that absolutely NEEDS to be changed. Oh, and regaring FN names: I usually use names that sound "not-quite-Japanese". For example Zuko, Iroh, Ozai, Sozin, and Roku all sound vaguely Japanese (roku is actually japanese for "6"), but you can't really use a name that sounds blatantly Japanese, like Noriyuki, Watanabe, or Junichiro. Although as we see more of the FN in the show, it seems like that is only true of the nobility, maybe even the royal family, and everyone else has Chinese-sounding names, like Piandao, Zhao, Ding, and Xu.
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Teoji
Meng
Teo's #1 fangirl
My OTP!
Posts: 285
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Post by Teoji on Nov 23, 2007 4:20:02 GMT -5
Name: Manami Age: 13 Gender: Female Nation: Earth Bender: No Other Skills: good with herbal remedies, some mechanical stuff Appearance: Slim, just starting to get some small curves, but nothing truly noticeable yet. She has grey eyes and long auburn hair. Neither of her parents know how it came about. Her mother Sarassri has light brown hair, and her father has black hair. Personality: Painfully shy, until you get to know her, then she opens up and talks more about herself. Very compassionate, likes to help people. History: After the Fire Nation had taken over her small village, she and her family moved to the Northern Air Temple, where they'd heard of another Earth Kingdom town had settled peaceably. Her father was injured in the battle, and now has only half of his right leg. Her mother had been brutalized by a group of FN soldiers, and is currently pregnant due to it. Manami's little brother (no name yet, I still have to think of one) was thankfully uninjured, due to her quick thinking and hiding with him outside of the village. She has lately been taking interest in the people of the Northern Air Temple, especially Teo. She finds his upbeat attitude regardless of injury refreshing, since all her father does is complain about how he's now worthless. Sample: Manami tied up her very long auburn hair and surveyed it in the mirror 'I hope he notices me today . . . even though I keep hiding from him' she thought to herself, blushing. Just then a demand for more tea came from the other room. She sighed before replying. "I'll be right there, Dad. Hold on." Looking once more and tucking one of the stray hairs back into place, she hurried into the kitchen to brew her dad some more of her willow bark and rose hip tea. It did help him stop complaining about phantom aches in his stump, but she wished he could brew it himself sometimes. It would free her up to possibly try that air gliding that the cute boy did, even if he couldn't walk. "Dad . . . could I maybe have a candle section or so to do some things today? I'll leave some extra tea for you, if I could." She asked tentatively as she poured the tea. Silence from the other room for a few minutes, then grumbling. "I guess so . . . but be back by two o'candle - I'll have some things I need done at that time." Manami looked over at the kitchen's candles. It was about half past 12 o'candle. Happily, she set up extra cups of tea for her dad and carried the tray over to his favorite chair, which he sat in for most of the day. "Thank you dad!" she grinned and kissed him on the cheek, as she handed him a cup of the tea.
Running over to the glider platform, she noticed that the boy was already up in the air. She somewhat frowned for a moment, then dived behind a pillar as she saw him look her way. 'stupid' she berated herself 'you want him to notice you, but you keep hiding! you have got to get out there!' Shaking her head in disgust at herself, she didn't notice the telltale skidding of the boy's wheels on the platform, nor did she see him wheel around to where she had hid. "Manami? is that you?" He asked. She froze, then ran off, berating herself in her head the whole time.
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