Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 7, 2011 13:09:49 GMT -5
Okay...so I know that none of you really know me, and I haven't been around for very long...but I really just have to vent. I figure I'll probably be judged pretty harshly for this...but I really just need to get it out. So, if this is read or not read, I can still just at least write out what is going through my head. As I have mentioned in a couple other places among the forum, I have been with a guy a couple years now. Mostly, everything has been going extremely well and I can honestly say we love each other very much. About nine months ago (I guess), my boyfriend and I got in a big fight, and we broke it off for a couple of weeks. Well...during that couple of weeks, he turned into a stupid college kid and went to a party, got drunk, and slept with another woman. If this was not enough, turns out he got her pregnant. Well...despite all this...he got me to forgive him and take him back. I guess my main reasoning behind this was the fact that I was simply miserable without him, and I have loved him for a long time. Also...everyone makes mistakes...he just got caught up in a bad one. Anyways...I thought the baby was going to be due at the end of the month...but I just learned that she is actually going to be induced on the 13th. My boyfriend just informed me. Here is my problem: I know I'm not going to be his real mother, but as long as I'm with my boyfriend...I'm going to be something like that to this baby. I guess kind of like a step-mother. I thought I was going to be ready for that...but now that it's cut short, and I barely have any time now...I don't know. He's 21 (close to 22) and can support a child. He is mentally ready and he can do this. I'm 17...close to 18. I'm still a kid, myself. I don't know if I am ready for this. And what if I fall in love with this baby, and then things between he and I don't work out? It'll be like losing a child I know I'm probably stupid for keeping my boyfriend around in the first place...that's where I figure you'll judge me...God knows everyone else does. It's just so much easier to say when you don't even know the person, rather than to actually do when you're in love with that person. I guess I'm done venting now...I am just so stressed out
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Post by goten0040 on Jul 9, 2011 10:22:51 GMT -5
Well, you'll have to let this rest a lot on your boyfriend's shoulders. He got this girl pregnant, and it's good that he's dealing with the consequences because so many people run from things like that.You should tell him how you feel about these things, what makes you nervous about it. I don't know if he'll have much to reassure you with, but I'm sure you'd feel better. Babies change lives all around. Everyone's going to have to step up and deal. But don't let it stress you out right now. You bf just had a major life-altering experience. Be there for him right now and everything will fall into place as it needs to.
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Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 9, 2011 14:21:46 GMT -5
Yeah...thanks for all of that. It was really nice. He and I have talked about it, and he knows how I feel. He promised me he'd do everything he could to make it okay and keep it that way...and I am supporting him very much. I told him I'd help all I could. It's just a very scary experience for all of us, and it's rather hard to cope when it's this close. Then again...I suppose I am ALWAYS like this. I freak right before something important, and then all ends up going well (usually), anyways. I forget about the jitters and just do it. Hopefully once this baby's born, I'll be better.
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Post by goten0040 on Jul 9, 2011 23:57:10 GMT -5
Not knowing is always harder. You're going to be just fine.
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Post by Gran Gran on Jul 10, 2011 14:05:06 GMT -5
I would be assuming that the child's mother with carry the burden of raising it, no?
The dealings will probably not be easy, but generally speaking the baby has parents, but you are not it. That means you will have very limited recourse in terms of discipline. However, It also does not mean that you are then by default the door mat.
Things never turn out as we plan them. I would suggest to expect (and plan for) the worst while hoping for the best. The child is not yours. Not a bad thing, really, because when the diapers are full you can hand it off. You have no obligations to the child past the ones every adult has toward an infant, to keep it safe and well cared for.
(just a little tip: avoid having those noisy kids toys around at all cost. Mom can keep them. They are fun and cute to pay with in the store but extremely annoying at home!!)
So basically, you are in no different a situation than if your siblings were to have a kid. You get to be the sunshine gal (if that is going to come to a head anyhow) and really have non other worries.
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Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 10, 2011 15:09:04 GMT -5
Haha Gran Gran, the toy thing kind of made me laugh. I despise those as well. The good news is that he doesn't live with me, so all of the toys will be at his house, or most likely hers.
I am thankful that I am not the one having this baby, though. So much responsibility. My main problem is the anxiety and worry just because this is such a big thing. Also, I am a complete mother at heart, and I tend to get very attached to children. So...if things were to happen and I'd lose my boyfriend, I'd also have the hurt of losing contact with the baby too.
But...you are right. Expect the worst so it isn't quite a shock...but hope for the best. I agree with that completely.
And thank you to the both of you, by the way.
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Post by Paraiba Ocean on Jul 13, 2011 22:29:43 GMT -5
You pretty much said it yourself - you're still young/a kid, and you're not the parent, so don't feel (or let anyone make you feel) like you have a huge obligation to raise this child. This is your boyfriend and the mother's responsibility, but like Goten said, just support your boyfriend and things will start to relax. Also, make sure you talk about what's making you nervous and absolutely make sure the issues that led you to take your break in the beginning have been at minimum addressed, because with a baby in the mix, that's going to be a lot more pressure on him and this is definitely a case where if it ain't broke yet, make sure it's fixed.
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Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 13, 2011 23:19:22 GMT -5
^^Thanks. That's really good advice. Actually...he was just born tonight. His name is Donovan Isn't he beautiful? I don't know all of the details yet...Logan hasn't told me (I wasn't at the birth). He just sent me the picture. I'm sure he'll give me the rest of the details tomorrow when he isn't quite as busy.
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Post by GROOONK'D on Jul 16, 2011 20:51:40 GMT -5
I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you need to sever. Now. Remove him entirely from your life and DO NOT interact with the child at all. This is a responsibility that you should not burden yourself with, and it WILL hurt you in the long run. Being a teen mom is neither glamorous or fun, it is a near hellish existence. Real life is not like Juno or Secret Life. Thankfully you are lucky, its not yours. He f**ked up, he has to deal with this child with the mother for the rest of his life. You should not be involved in any way.
To repeat, SEVER immediately. And by that I mean tonight if possible. I am not trolling or being mean, I am honest that this is advice you need to take.
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Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 16, 2011 21:41:13 GMT -5
I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you need to sever. Now. Remove him entirely from your life and DO NOT interact with the child at all. This is a responsibility that you should not burden yourself with, and it WILL hurt you in the long run. Being a teen mom is neither glamorous or fun, it is a near hellish existence. Real life is not like Juno or Secret Life. Thankfully you are lucky, its not yours. He f**ked up, he has to deal with this child with the mother for the rest of his life. You should not be involved in any way. To repeat, SEVER immediately. And by that I mean tonight if possible. I am not trolling or being mean, I am honest that this is advice you need to take. You know...I have been thinking this over a lot recently. Because you're right, and I agree with you...and I was already considering this option already. Lately, with the way he's been treating me, I am leaning more toward your advice. I still have a full life to live...and this helped me out a lot. It probably won't be tonight...I'll probably take a few days to consider more deeply, because I DO love this man...but I may in fact do what you say. Thank you
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Post by Aura of Cruxis on Jul 17, 2011 1:20:13 GMT -5
I've been thinking for a while on what you said, and how I think about it...
I do agree with the others.
A child's life is the responsibility of the parents. It's the parents' responsibility to take care of the child, not yours. It's the parents' responsibility to provide for the child, not yours. You shouldn't feel obliged to take care of the boy at all.
I know it's hard to just bat your eyes, especially if you care for children, but this is something the parents, not you, must overcome. You have your own life that shouldn't be centered around another person's baby. Their baby is their baby, not theirs and yours. Theirs.
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Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 17, 2011 18:49:28 GMT -5
Thanks Auri =/
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Mari
Sokka
I Love Psychology
Posts: 142
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Post by Mari on Jul 17, 2011 20:16:09 GMT -5
He is cute!!! In reality though, I was a teen mom not of just a normal baby but a sick baby, and it's not glamorous, it's a TON of responsibility luckily you won't have to face. I mean there is nothing wrong with getting to know the baby, and to help out with him, but let yourself not think you are the biological mother because it can be heart wrenching if something were to happen. Good luck friend!! If you need any one to talk to let me know
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Mari
Sokka
I Love Psychology
Posts: 142
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Post by Mari on Jul 17, 2011 20:17:26 GMT -5
I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you need to sever. Now. Remove him entirely from your life and DO NOT interact with the child at all. This is a responsibility that you should not burden yourself with, and it WILL hurt you in the long run. Being a teen mom is neither glamorous or fun, it is a near hellish existence. Real life is not like Juno or Secret Life. Thankfully you are lucky, its not yours. He f**ked up, he has to deal with this child with the mother for the rest of his life. You should not be involved in any way. To repeat, SEVER immediately. And by that I mean tonight if possible. I am not trolling or being mean, I am honest that this is advice you need to take. It's not a near hellish existence, unless you experienced it you don't know. There is nothing hellish about being a teen mom, it's difficult, but it's a love like no other regardless of age.
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Baylee
Combustion Man
Vivere Militare Est
Posts: 5,664
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Post by Baylee on Jul 17, 2011 21:14:31 GMT -5
Thank you all for your advice. I'm just extremely confused right now. The good thing is, he really loves his son: I really love my boyfriend; we've been through a lot together...but I have my own life to live. If I choose to stay, there is a good chance I won't get to do some of the things I wanted to. Plus, the mother hates me. =/ She called me a homewrecker, and told me she doesn't want me around her son. I don't really think I did anything to deserve this, seeing as how he was with me before her, and he was never in an actual relationship with her anyway, but who knows? Maybe her hormones are just making her angry at me or something. I've never been around anyone who's just had a baby before, so I don't know how that goes. She's been sending me angry txts a lot though, with no reason. So..I'm just staying away for now. That's another reason I'm really confused. He has a family now. I don't want to ruin things...
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