random bender
Appa
Gone for ever back again! are you happy? ^^
Posts: 201
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Post by random bender on Sept 9, 2008 16:54:24 GMT -5
Here's some more of what i have writen. i hade some one look over this one but i still think i can improve it.
He will regret it, but I still don’t understand why he did not kill me.
Humf, why should I have to understand anything from the mind of a twelve year old boy.With every morel and value, they just get in the way of what you want.The only thing you keep close is what you can use to get what you want.
Zuko and Ursa where just in the way. Two of a kind. Useless.
Azula was not completely useless. She had many of my traits, but she could not handle being feared by all. She was not strong enough to tolerate those who could not hold there tongue. She got paranoid. Thought every one was out to get her. She should have known that she was feared enough that she knew that not one would even dare. She could not handle that. And she fell.
Of course use of her vanished when I became Phoenix king and…….. and…….? ……………….I….? I’m in a prison cell.
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Post by Kohana on Sept 10, 2008 9:05:04 GMT -5
wow! Thats much better utsukushii! Wish she had let me read it and go over like she did with her other story, but my sissy never listens ^_^ Thanks. wow that is much better, you mind doing that with every thing i write? ^^ lol i have more to the story but i keep hesitating to post it. Thank you. I think you should let Gamergurl help you. She seems willing to beta-read your stories for you. But I'll be sure to help if I spot anything after you posted it. Btw, you should correct the title of the thread. It's "will reign again (not really)". Edit: There are some spelling mistakes in your update. It has improved, though. - Humf, why should I have to understand anything from the mind of a twelve year old boy. => should end with a question mark because it is a question. - "morel" should be "moral" - "Zuko and Ursa where" should be "Zuko and Ursa were" - "hold there tongue" should be "hold their tongues"
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random bender
Appa
Gone for ever back again! are you happy? ^^
Posts: 201
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Post by random bender on Sept 10, 2008 9:57:52 GMT -5
got it ^^ and gamergurl is helping me, she is my sister!
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Post by arbiter on Sept 10, 2008 10:00:48 GMT -5
Okay you have potental but you need a beta or have a look at another person's fanfics and then compare it to you your own. In fact firelilly have a look at my fanfic A Lover's Song and then compare it to yours that should help you understand what you need to improve on. As i said before i think you have great potental as a writer but you need a beta reader and have a look at other fanfics to help you. Hope this helps you with your writing.
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random bender
Appa
Gone for ever back again! are you happy? ^^
Posts: 201
|
Post by random bender on Sept 11, 2008 13:46:11 GMT -5
ok here it again fixed some more. i have started on chapter 2 and I"ll post it later, but how do you like the story thogh? dose it intrest you?
He will regret it, but I still don’t understand why he did not kill me.
Humf, why should I have to understand anything from the mind of a twelve year old boy? With every moral and value, they just get in the way of what you want.The only thing you keep close is what you can use to get what you want.
Zuko and Ursa were just in the way. Two of a kind. Useless.
Azula was not completely useless. She had many of my traits, but she could not handle being feared by all. She was not strong enough to tolerate those who could not hold their tongues. She got paranoid. Thought every one was out to get her. She should have known that she was feared enough that she knew that not one would even dare. She could not handle that. And she fell.
Of course use of her vanished when I became Phoenix king and…….. and…….? ……………….I….? I’m in a prison cell.
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Post by arbiter on Sept 11, 2008 16:00:15 GMT -5
this is better a good improvement
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random bender
Appa
Gone for ever back again! are you happy? ^^
Posts: 201
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Post by random bender on Sept 12, 2008 15:50:51 GMT -5
when i am done with the whole fan fic, for people who dont want to skip around the thred looking for the next part of the story and it turns out i have the same thing posted like 4 times. when i am done i will post the entire fic at the top page of the thred. so you or who ever can read it all at once.
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random bender
Appa
Gone for ever back again! are you happy? ^^
Posts: 201
|
Post by random bender on Sept 12, 2008 16:44:49 GMT -5
ok, hope you like the new title, my sis gamergurl thought of it. Anyway, heres the next part, gamergurl just went over it. The italics is ozai talking, while the part thats not italics is zuko talking, hope you like it! ^_^
There are so many things that I will never admit to anyone. Not even myself. I stayed in denial so I would never have to deal with my problems. And that seemed to work. Till now. Hummh? Who could that be? The guard should not be her with dinner till later.
Zuko.
What does he want. Probably here to gloat about his glorious victory. Now that he knows I can’t do a thing to him, he chooses this time to laugh at me in my defeat! The coward. “I should consider myself lucky, the new Firelord has graced me with his presence.”
“You should consider yourself lucky the avatar spared your life.”
Right! I’m so lucky that instead of the avatar killing me he spares my life and leaves me … IN PRISON! To rot. So lucky.
“Actually, I should thank you. Banishing me was the best thing you did for me. It put me on the right path.”
You think I’m an idiot. That’s not why you came down here. To thank my, Phu! You hate me and you know it!!
“Maybe your time in here will help put you on the right path”
Path to what…….nothing I’ve done my part as your so called villian. I’m defeated. I should be dead.
“Why are you really here?”
“Because you are going to tell me something. Where is my mother?”
Why would I know that? I did not keep track of you when you where banished! Why in world would I keep track of her!?!? Stupid boy. “I don’t know…”
“Don’t give me that!! I know you know wher…!!
“I SAID I DON’T KNOW NOW GE…!”
“….I don’t know, your highness, Please leave.”
No one Knows.
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Post by Kohana on Sept 12, 2008 16:48:32 GMT -5
random bender: Don't doublepost. You can use the modify button of your previous post if you want to add something to the thread. Thank you.
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random bender
Appa
Gone for ever back again! are you happy? ^^
Posts: 201
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Post by random bender on Sept 13, 2008 18:19:01 GMT -5
sorry about the double post, it was an acident, what did you think about the fic?
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