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Post by tiaramaki on Jul 21, 2008 12:17:32 GMT -5
The gray cloud released rain onto the grassy hills, and the area around it. The people of Huni sought shelter within their homes, leaving the streets empty, with no person in sight. A hooded rider, dressed in white, stopped his horse on the hill, while listening to the rain fall heavily on the ground. The droplets pounded against his clothes, while a few hit the bottom part of his face, the only part exposed, and trailed from down his face, to his neck, and finally, at his torso, where the cloth of his clothes absorbed the water. The rider turned his head up to the sky, for he could not see through his white hood. He felt his steed shake its head, either as a warning, or simply to shake rain off its mane. The man balanced himself as he lifted up his arms. Silently, he spoke words. Not even his horse heard what escaped from the rider's rain-moistened lips. Lowering his arms and holding the reins once again, he spoke three words that were audible: "It's almost time." The rider closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply, taking in the cool air. Thoughts went into his mind: the events that were to come, the events that came before, and the events of the present. But, he also thought of her. How could he reveal his true identity to her after this was over? Would she ever forgive him, or have a bitter taste of hatred of her mouth? Sighing, the man spoke. "Please, forgive me." The rider turned his steed, and rode down and away from the hills.
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I think I can do better, but post your thoughts and comments here.
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Post by Empy on Jul 22, 2008 9:37:03 GMT -5
It's not bad, a little short but you include a lot of details. Sometimes the details are really good and other times, it seems a bit... much like when you say "where the cloth of his clothes absorbed the water". Somehow that little phrase just seemed... awkward to me and rather unnecessary. I also noticed you use have some redundancies that take away from a sentence. For example: "while a few hit the bottom part of his face, the only part exposed and trailed from down his face..." Eh, I mean it's not a huge problem but seeing repeat words and stuff just detracts from the writing. That's my opinion, though. It's an interesting concept and you really do capture my interest with this excerpt so good job. I think a little polishing might do it some good but overall it's a very nice start
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Post by tiaramaki on Jul 22, 2008 9:56:38 GMT -5
Should've kept the notebook version...Empy, will you be my editor? D: Anyways, I'll keep that in mind. Maybe I could also post a re-made version of it. (Perhaps even longer )
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