my fan fiction

[random bender]

this is a fanfiction i started to type. I hope you like what i have written so far tell me and i will finish it oh and one more thing i changed my persons name again, i changed it to Lian witch is a chinese name that means Lotus flower. one, one more thing i want to come up with a name for my story but i cant think of any thing give me ideas.




WHOOSH!! A fire blast came at Aang, missing his face by inches as he quickly dodged it. Aang threw out his hands, a firey blast exploding out of them, but not wanting to hurt his friend or do him harm, he held back, hoping Zuko would not notice.
“You are holding back Aang,” Zuko cried, Aang's cover up failed, "give me every thing you’ve got!” Aang kept at it, giving more than before but still not doing every thing he could. Zuko wanting to incourage his student to do his best, so he thought of something friendly but demanding to say. Searching for better words, he said, “Show me your gir Face!” Aang paused for a moment and let out tiny, poor growl.
“Girr?? Im sorry Zuko, I really am trying,” Aang said with his head down, knowing he could of done much better then he had been.
“Its all right, you are getting the basics down,” Zuko stated, even though he knew Aang still had a long way to go, “you are doing quite well for a beginner." Aang showed a small, inconfident smile.
“Let's go ahead and take a brake."Zuko suggested. Aang's smile widened as he jumped up excitedly, and started to hover toward the campsite and his friends, zuko trailing closely but slowly behind.


“Hey guys, finally back from your jerk bendimg practice?” Sokka asked sarcastically, a joking look on his face. Zuko ignored the intended sarcasm, then answered the basic question.
“Aang is holding back a bit,” he answered.
“I'm trying, I'm trying!” Aang said to reassure is friends, secrectly knowing that zuko was right.
“Don’t worry Aang, you’ll get it,” Katara said with a smile. Aang smiled back at her, his eyes wavering over her for a few seconds. Aang's gaze was broken as toph began to speak.
“Ya, twinkletoes, you’ll get it.”
“I think I might need to change my teaching habits, perhaps more like uncle’s?” Zuko suggested to himself, realizing how long it had really been since he saw his uncle.


“That’s going to have to wait,” Toph said standing up from her seat, an urgency in her voice and movements, "there is a girl about to fall off the cliff side!” Everyone jumped out of their seat, searching for the girl toph had "spotted".
" Over there!" Toph announced,pointing to the upper left of the canyon wall, her face motionless as usual, Aang and the others stared towards where she had pointed, and saw a girl grasping to the side of the cliff of the western air temple, seeming to frightened to cry out for help. Her only hope of survival was to hang on to the roots and soil of the cliffside. Right before her grip faltered, aang swept her out of the air, his glider wobbling from the added weight.
Still shocked from the life or death situation, she stumbled and fell to the ground. Aang landed beside her and started to help her up.
“I'm...I...I'm ok, Im ok,” She managed to stutter. The girl was wearing what appered to be a tattered and a bit worn Earth Kingdome robe. She has long black hair up in a bun, only it was quite ragady looking and she had brown eye.
“What happened? Did you not see the edge of the cliff?” Zuko asked, caring just as much as the others.
“I guess I di…did not see the edge, my thoughts had been else where....” the girl said, not noticing who she was talking to.
“Well thankfully you are ok now,” Katara said,"whats your name?" Aang asked.“Lian.” she replied. “Were are you from?” Sokka asked. The girl paused.
“where are you headed?”
“Anywhere but home.” She said with a sigh. The five friends looked at each other, worried looks on their faces.“um,not that i am not grateful that you saved me, but I really must be…" Lian sentence trailed off as her face leveled with who she had been speaking to.as she realized who it was, she quickly took a few steps back, still staring into his face.
“Prince Zuko?” She asked in a small voice. zuko sighed, "Yes", he said not wanting to hide who he was anymore. but as he said this, the girl stumbled back and ran away, uncertain of her true feelings in the situation.
“What was that all about?” Toph asked a bit confused.
“Not sure, but in the few seconds of her being here, I did notice the she was fire nation. Maybe that is why she ran when she noticed me?,” Zuko said shamefully, “but mostly people just hate me because of who they think I am; blame me for things I have no control over.Maybe that's why she ran.” Zuko, looking frustrated, turned around.“How can I be a good person when no one trusts me or gives me a chance!?”
“We trust you,” Aang said. Zuko smiled at his new friends.
“That means a lot, especially coming from you.”
“What matters is who you are now,” explained Sokka.
“I'm sorry,” a small voice came from behind one of the still standing pillars. Lian had been quietly listen to the whole thing.
“It’s not your fault,” She said as she came towards them.
"Why did you run away from home?” Zuko asked. "What?" Katara questioned aloud, wondering why zuko had asked Lian that question. Lian's eyes jumped up, a suprised look on her face. "How do you know that?" "Lets just say I know how it feels to try and run away from something. It just keeps coming back, no matter what you do. So, what are you running away from?" Lian's eyes slowly moved from his face towards the ground, her eyes glazing over as she began to recall the day.


“Believe it or not I use to live in the Fire Nation. The royal city to be exact, but I never really suspected how horrible our country really was.
I was on my way back from school when my best friend caught up with me.
“I cant believe Lin got in a fight with Lee this morning,” Jin said.
“It was barely a fight, no one even threw fire and all Lee did was slap. Still it was pretty amusing,” I said.
“Hey do you think I can come over for a bit? I can show you my new fire bending move!” Jin asked.
“Sure why not, come on.”
I walked into the living room with my friend, not knowing it was the first step into one big mess. We made our way to the back of the house when I overheard my parents talking in the kitchen.
“I heard Prince Zuko was challenged to an agni ki,” my mom said.
“Really? with who?” my dad wondered.
“I'm not sure, I guess we will find out at sunset, we can take Lian. Perhaps it will help her improve in her own fire bending.” My mom suggested.
“Good idea,” my dad said.
I bolted outside to the back where Jin was practicing her new move.
“Where were you? I…,” I broke here sentence.
“I am going to watch an agni ki! My parents are taking me!!”
“Really! Wow! Who is fighting?”
“Prince Zuko!!” I screamed excitedly.
“Oh my gosh! Really!! Zuko challenged some one to an agni ki!! There going to get what’s coming to them!”
Jin and I talked for hours about going. We were so exited, not knowing the whole thing would end in disaster for prince zuko and for me.

Jin ran home quickly before we left. She went home to find some thing else to wear to the fight. I rummaged through my closet for what seemed like hours, but really only a few minuets, to find some thing to wear but nothing was good enough. I finally just decided to wear my school uniform; witch did not look to bad on me. I headed for the door when I heard it knock. Jin, wearing what she had left in, guess she could not find any thing good ether, was on the other side of the door. We exchanged hellos and left to the duel arena
We walked with anticipation towards the arena. When we arrived we gave the guard at the entrince are invites that my parents had given me earlier and headed in side. I saw my parents in a row a little ways down from us, I waved to signal I hade made it. Whether they saw me or not Jin and I found are seats and waited. I watched with ambition as the two opponents on each side of the fighting area where back to back. My face glowed with excitement my heart beating like a buzz. Than as the two fighters faced each other my heart dropped and my skin turned cold. Fire lord Oazi, this can’t be, Zuko would not challenge his own father to an agni ki. I glimpsed over at Zuko and saw the surprised horror on his face. With that expression I knew Zuko was not the one who challenged him but the fire lord that challenged Zuko. Zuko oviously did not want to fight his father and was unawere that he was going to be his opponents. He imminently started begging forgiveness, But the fire lord would not here his plead. Surly he would not throw a punch if Zuko refuses to fight! Its his father. He must care about him, right? My question was answered when Oazi reared back his fist and struck. I had no feeling, every thing was numb. Zuko scream ringing in my ears even long after it. Zuko clutched his face as medics came to aid him and Oazi declared him banished.

Every one looked at Zuko.
"I did not know...that..umm..how you.." Anng started but could not finish. Zuko looked half away as MoMo flew down and landed on Sokkas sholder and Appa moved in closer to see what the comotion was about. Every one turned back to Lian as she countinued her story.

[Empy]

Well, right away I can say you need to try and divide your story more. Lots of text bunched up is never fun to read and it's easier on the eyes if you divide things up ^_^ Also, you have A LOT of dialogue. 90% of this first chapter was dialogue which isn't really fun to read because there isn't a lot of flow with stories like that. I suggest trying to add details about characters, settings, history, as well as include transitions. I also suggest that you come up with a character details sheet and submit it to the "Is your OC a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu thread because there is a possibility that your character could become sue-ish which is a no-no.

In addition, maybe you should run through the document with spellcheck on word. There were a few surface errors I noticed so if you just go through it another time, you can catch those

[username]

You should try fixing up some of your spelling. You used spell check at least, but that still let bits like "Zuko looked towered the ground and said “yes” with a shallow node" through. The fic is far too dialogue intensive, even when she's actually telling a story to the other characters, and the POV switch is simply unprofessional.

[nymphadora]

I like the idea of your story and I'm curious to find out what happened next. I have to agree with Empyreal Maiden and Kaneda though. Also, when someone says "am" there should be an "I" before it all the time. But if you just fixed it up a bit, it could be a great story! ^_^

[random bender]

i typed the story on word and that is just the way it pasted sorry, and i made the story up in my head the other day and i really have not been the best writer every, i really just made up the part about siarah but i wanted to add the others (aang sokka katara toph and zuko) in some way. im really more of a verble person than a writer so thats probbly why there is so much dialogue. and with deatal with the character this is an avatar site so i assum most people here knows about the Aang and all them, i was going to tell more about siarah in the story later on but i think i should explain her more in the begining.
and the last thing you said "I also suggest that you come up with a character details sheet and submit it to the "Is your OC a Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu thread because there is a possibility that your character could become sue-ish which is a no-no. " i dont want to sound stupid, but that means?

[Empy]

That's alright ^_^ Remember that the only way to improve your writing skills is to practice so the fact that you are doing so will help Having feedback is a bonus because it can help identify what you need to still improve on. It's really hard to look over and be critical of your own work, trust me, I still can't edit my own work nearly as well as I would like so it's nice to have others read and help

You don't need to add details about those specific things per say, they were just examples you can include if you wish that will help make your story less:

He said this, she said this...

For example, which do you find more enjoyable to read?

1) "Hi" said Tom.
"Hi" Lisa replied, shrugging.
"I haven't seen you in a while. What's going on with you?" he asked.
"Nothing much" she said.

OR

2) Tom entered the room, his eyes searching for a familiar face. His face relaxed in relief as he saw a familiar mane of flaming red hair; it was Lisa. He hurried his pace as he approached his childhood friend and, noticing her quick glance at him, said hurriedly, "Hi".

Lisa put the the book she was reading aside and stood up hesitantly before replying a soft, "Hi" in return.

Tom smiled; Lisa hadn't changed a bit.

.... So and so forth.

This is just an example and I might have exaggerated a tad but when you rely so much on dialogue, you lose a lot of details, you see ^_^
--------------------------------------------------

As for Mary-sues:

You can find the definition of a Mary-Sue Here and some things to avoid Here

The Thread for the Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu can be found Here

[random bender]

ok i get it...that was kind of fun to read the mary sue thing...any way im not sure if my character is a mary-sue, she is conected to zuko becase she saw him at the agniki and it efected her out look on her contry and changed her life but she is not a diffrent gender copy of zuko or any one, i will make a page for my character and tell me what you think of her, and i'll try to fix up my story. ^^

[Empy]

Mary-Sues are fun to read about but in stories, they lack the dimension that make people really connect with them because they are so perfect I was just a little wary because I've seen many fics where an unknown girl from Zuko's childhood suddenly pops up and he falls in love with her... you know the story Those girls usually, but not always, turn into Sues but I'm sure that yours will be better Once you make a character page, feel free to post it in the thread or PM it to me ^_^

[random bender]

i assure you my character will not fall in love with zuko, thats not very createve any way.

[Empy]

I'm glad to hear it ^_^ Then I look forward to future chapters

[random bender]

My sister, gamergurl, helped me edit it. She is a really good writer, and I suck lol. Hope its better know!!!! ^_^

[Empy]

Well, I'm glad you had someone else look at it. It always help to have others' opinions because they'll be honest I do think it's better, but to me it still relies too much on dialogue and you should probably work on the grammar a little more. I noticed you missed quite a few apostrophes and have some other surface areas.

It's really important that stories are free of surface errors because it's almost like the first impression of the story. I'm much more likely to take a story seriously if I can see that the author worked hard to make it presentable

But nice job. There are still some areas that need work but it is much better ^_^

[random bender]

my computer keeps turning of the internet on me. this is the third time i have had to re type this post. i have a quseton how do i take a way some diolag in the top part of the story, when lian is not the on narriating i am. i dont want it to sound weird like i am a person in the story. do you understand what i am saing?