Only A Sailor/When willl this war end?

[historyman12]

Fic 4. Let's get it on. Hopefully I'll actually complete this one. Though I may resurrect

Anyhow.

Kaikichi sat in a crowded room below the decks of a Fire Nation warship, on course for the North Pole. He began to feel dizzy as the ship rocked back and forth, and back and forth I should've joined the army, he thought.
"Hey, F.O. Kenichi, when will we reach the North Pole?" Kaikichi asked.
"In a day or so, seaman," Kenichi replied, and a chorus of groans came from the sailors in the room. "Don't blame me, Admiral Zhao is the one giving orders on fleet speed. But then, don't blame him either, he's ordering the fleet to sail at top speed."
"So let's blame the factory workers!" Kichirou shouted, and the whole room began to laugh.
After several seconds of quiet, Minoru asked, "Hey, F.O. Kenichi, when does our shift start? I'm bored."
"Ah, you're always bored Minoru," Kaikichi said, laughing
"One half-hour, seaman," Kenichi replied.
"Thanks, F.O. Say, what does that stand for anyway? It said something in the Navy Handbook, but I don't remember what it is," Minoru replied.
"Firebending Officer, seaman. An officer who can't firebend? N.F.O. Guess what that stands for."
"Sure wish we didn't have the 10 to 2 night shift." Kichirou said
"We're all with you Kichirou, we're all with you. Ought to be dang cold out there, eh?" Kaikichi said, as the others nodded.



That's the 2,626 character first chapter.

[firefists101]

It sounds cool. I think it'll be better once you get more into the story though. I'm not voting yet. That wouldn't be fair.

[Empy]

Hmmm... off the bat I can say that this chapter is not really terribly developed in my opinion. It's a lot of dailogue, is short, and needs to be continued. I would suggest trying to create a more thorough first chapter that really intrigues the reader before posting it. 2,626 characters isn't all that much although it's more about the quality than the quantity in the end. If you can create an engaging story with few words that's great but I feel that this needs to be looked at again and things should be added before you continue on with the story. ^^;

[historyman12]

"Okay, men, it's our turn on watch. Let's go," Kenichi said, as the men let out a collective groan. "Quit your complaining," Kenichi said, smiling. He opened the door, and the men walked up the stairs.

They moved slowly out of the hatch and onto the deck. It was near freezing outside, and the men, shivering walked slowly to their watch posts. Kaikichi's was at the bow of the ship, next to Kenichi. The minutes dragged by, and Kaikichi felt he would go insane if he had to stand in the freezing cold air for much longer. He wished he were back in the Fire Nation, where it was rarely cold, if ever. He couldn't stand the freezing weather, especially when he had to stand in it for four hours, staring into the night.

"Hey, Kenichi, how do you stand this cold for so long?" he asked.

"Me? I just heat myself up with some flame in my hands. Sure is convenient." Kenichi responded.

"Ah, lucky firebending..." Kaikichi said, "why can't you share the heat?"

"I guess I could. Here we are," he shifted his staff to his right hand, and held out his left. With little effort, he caused a flame to shoot out.

"Thanks," Kaikichi said.

"Any time,"

"Say, how long until we can get back in? It's freezing out here."

"Oh, 3 hours, sure wish it went faster."

"Yeah, join the club F.O."

"Maybe an Earth Kingdom cruiser can come up. That'd give us some target practice,"

"It beats standing here by a long shot."

The conversation ending, and the minutes dragged by again. The only comfort was the warmth from Kenichi's fire, and that became unfulfilling as the time neared midnight. Midnight paced, and time slowly marched on.

"Hey, Kaikichi, do you see that?" Kenichi asked

"See what?" Kaikichi replied.

"That silhouette, off in the distance. Looks like a boat a bit." Kenichi said.

"I think so. Try illuminating it. You know, use some fire,"

"There's an idea," Kenichi said, shooting a controlled wave of fire in the direction of the target. "It is a ship!" he shouted.

"I'll tell the captain, or whoever's on duty now." Kaikichi said, as he turned, and ran to the staircase leading to the bridge. He burst through the door, and shouted, Captain! Oh, sorry, Lieutenant Hyun! We've spotted an Earth Kingdom ship on the horizon!"




Thus ends the chapter.

[firefists101]

Cool! Nice and suspenseful!!!!!

[historyman12]

One vote for eh. I feel special. Averagetastic.

Oh, and, if you vote, please post. I hate it when people just vote. It's just plain wrong.


"Very well, then, sailor," Lieutenant Hyun said calmly. He turned and quickly said to the sailor standing next to him, "Go wake Captain Keong, Daichi, tell him about the situation immediately."

"Yes, sir, Lieutenant Hyun, sir," Daichi said, and ran off.

"Now, you, sailor, go to your watch post, and remain calm. We'll steer the ship to boarding position. Stop anyone who tries to come up here with news. Understand?"
"Yes, sir," Kaikichi responded

"Good, you're dismissed,"

Kaikichi nodded and left the room calmly. He ambled back to his post and took his sword from Kenichi.

"Thanks," he muttered.

"Any time, hey, what did the captain say?" Kenichi asked

"It was Lieutenant Hyun. And he said he'd steer the ship into boarding position."

"Well, then let's go!" Kenichi said eagerly.

"Wait, wait, sir. Lieutenant Hyun told us to stay calm," replied Kaikichi.

"Okay, okay, sailor,"

The two waited in anticipation until their ship pulled alongside the Earth Kingdom ship. All the men, having since figured out what was to come, charged even before the order. Men from below decks charged up onto the deck, and then onto the enemy ship. In the ensuing chaos, Kaikichi lost sight of his friends, but undeterred, he engaged an Earth Kingdom soldier. They crossed swords, and as they began throwing quick attacks, all of which were parried. Kaikichi let forth a strong attack, which his opponent met. They stood there, pushing on their swords, hoping to get an advantage. Kaikichi began to push down his opponent 's sword, and then raised his, cutting his opponent's arm. The opponent grabbed his wound, as Kaikichi waited, a decision he would soon come to regret. The sailor grinned, and launched a series of attacks, which Kaikichi could barely block. His eyes grew wide with worry, and he was able to block and slash the opponent, cutting him shallowly across the center. The soldier looked down, and ran. It didn't look to Kaikichi that he'd severed any organs, but he gave chase. Kaikichi followed his opponent until his adversary lost him in the sea of people. he looked around for a new adversary, and found one.



THE-O END-O.

[historyman12]

Kaikichi swung his sword at his new enemy, who parried and thrust his sword forward, knocking Kaikichi off balance. The opponent took his opportunity and went on the attack. He first cut at Kaikichi's torso, which he blocked by turning his sword downward. The two waited for several seconds which seemed everlasting. The two swung their swords in attack at the same time, but neither one hit it's mark. Kaikichi attempted to defeat his opponent with a straight stab to his stomach, but his opponent moved his stomach back. Kaikichi swung upward, to behead his opponent swung his head back. His opponent then swung his sword and hit, slicing Kaikichi's arm.

At that moment Minoru charged forward holding his spear above his head. Kaikichi's opponent kicked Minoru, knocking him to the floor. Kaikichi's opponent now stood over Minoru, preparing to bring his sword down in a killing blow. Kaikichi slashed his sword cutting deeply into his opponent's side. The opponent grabbed his side and staggered forwards toward Kaikichi who had his sword held up, ready, until Minoru lept up and stabbed the opponent, who fell forward, grabbing the spear, and hit the floor. He raised his back and bent his his knees, and though he was trying to stand, until his knnees gave out and he fell, dead. Kaikichi stared at the corpse and until Minoru muttered "Got him,"

He ran towards the stairway to the bridge Minoru, and charged up them. He kicked the wooden door to the bridge several times, and it did not open. Just then, Kenichi charged up the staircase. He nodded in recognition and set the door afire. The three charged into the bridge, and found the captain and 2 officers watching the melee on the deck. The three turned quickly to look at the invaders and ran out the other door. Kenichi began running the quickest, followed by Kaikichi and Minoru. Kenichi tore down the stairs, and Kaikichi jumped from the third step. The chase continued through the ship's deck, until the officers jumped through a door leading below deck. Kenichi, Kaikichi and Minoru followed and now chased them through the lower decks. The officers picked up speed, but their increase was matched by the three Fire Nation sailors' increase. The officers, try as they might, couldn't lose Kaikichi and his friends. The officer s charged on deck, where they were trapped by the battle.

The leader stayed steadfast, and began throwing rocks from the ship and the Fire Nation sailors. Kenichi responded with fire attacks, and drove the leader back. The Earth Kingdom captain's assistants drew their swords, and met Kaikichi and Minoru. Minoru was having trouble fighting a man armed with a sword with a spear but was managing. Kaikichi was locked in a draw with the other assistant. The fight continued for several minutes, without any clear winner emerging. By then, however, the Fire Nation sailors had established a clear advantage. Another sailor relieved Minoru of some of his troubles, as he had been cut, and had narrowly avoided several would-be killing blows. Kaikichi was beginning to gain the upper hand in his fight until his opponent kicked him while he was swinging his sword, knocking Kaikichi over. He rolled on the ground, trying to avoid the opponent's blows. Kaikichi gave a kick of his own knocking his opponent backwards. Kaikichi now attacked his opponent, driving him back. Then, just as it appeared Kaikichi would get a killing blow, another Fire Nation sailor came to the officer's defense. Kaikichi looked briefly at the enemy sailor before stabbing him, and the opponent slowly fell to the ground. Kaikichi resumed his attack on the officer, cutting the officer in both arms, casuing him to drop his sword. The officer staggered and into a Fire Nation sailor holding a spear. He then stopped moving and attempted to put his hands up, but couldn't due to the cuts on his arms. Kaikcihi left the officer to the other sailor and went back to his friends.

Shortly after he returned to his friends to help them, the fight for the ship ended. Kenichi and Minoru forced the officers to surrender. Kaikichi, at that point had realized how tired he was, and began breathing very heavily. Kenichi walked to Kaikichi, and put his arm around Kaikichi, smiling.

"Looks like we got them, buddy. Another suitable victory for the glorious Fire Nation," Kenichi said proudly

"Sure are patriotic F.O." Kaikichi replied, smiling.

"Sure am. Bet if I was born in Ba Sing Se or Omashu, I'd love the Earth Kingdom like I did my own mother, well maybe a bit less, but I'd still love her. And I'd want to Earthbend," said Kenichi

"Have a point. Bet we'd all be."

"Right! Say, did you get anybody?"

"Two, Minoru finished one off for me. Killing people, even like this, it ain't any fun."

"I know, and I've been doing this for 5 years. Impossible to get used to, this stuff."

Kenichi nodded and looked out at the water, sighing in regret, and relief.



Boo-yah!

[Zink]

I like that the character names sound Asian, as opposed to a great majority of Avatar fanfic with characters named 'Raven'. And there's plenty of action to keep it interesting, which is always a good thing. Just keep in mind that it's hard to read big blocks of text on a computer screen--try splitting them up into smaller paragraphs. (Oh, and most people don't use the word "say" when they're speaking aloud. It's kind of arachic. Just a tip.)

[Taintedmushroom]

I like this! I really do. The only thing I would recommend is spacing out the paragraphs, though I admire how much you can write.

[historyman12]

Woo-dang-hoo



At that moment, Kichirou walked up to the two. "Make it through okay?" he asked

"I'm fine," Kenichi said.

"I got my arm cut, but Minoru came running in and saved me. Almost got himself killed in the process."

"How'd he do that?" Kichirou asked, smiling.

"Came running up, spear above his head. Lucky he got kicked instead of stabbed." Kaikichi said.

"Kenichi, sorry, Officer Kenichi, did you get anybody?"

"Took out the captain," Kaikichi said, before Kenichi could respond.

"Are you serious?" Kichirou asked, eyes wide.

"It's true, Kichirou. Can't believe I did, either." Kenichi replied

"I took out an officer. He gave a hard fight, I can't believe I beat him."

"What about you, did you see any fighting Kichirou?" Kenichi asked.

"I got lost in the crowd, actually, didn't get a chance to touch anybody for mot of it, I got an Earth Kingdom sailor to surrender at the end though." Kichioru replied.

"How did you get lost?" Kaikichi asked, smiling.

"Everybody ran at each other, and I got stuck in the middle of our troops I couldn't lower my arms, it was so crowded." Kichirou said, and the three broke out laughing.

"Okay, you two, we ought to get back on ship." Kenichi said. At that the three began walking back to the ship. They jumped over the space between the ships and continued walking. Kaikichi then turned his head to Kenichi and asked

"What are we going to do with this ship anyway?"

"I don't know. I figure they'll leave some guards and an officer on it and sail back to the Fire Nation and dump the prisoners into camps. If not, they'll shove captives into the hull, and then scuttle it." Kenichi replied.

"Makes sense. Are we going back downstairs now, or do we still have to stand guard?" Kaikichi asked.

"Probably head back downstairs. Let's get going, sailor." Kenichi said.


Sorry it's rather short. Next one will be longer, trust me.

[Baylee]

Sounds good. LOL

[Kohana]

It's an interesting story so far.

But you should try to write more descriptions and not only dialogue. It would improve this story a lot.

Like with this part:

"Thanks," he muttered.

"Any time, hey, what did the captain say?" Kenichi asked

"It was Lieutenant Hyun. And he said he'd steer the ship into boarding position."

"Well, then let's go!" Kenichi said eagerly.

could be better if you wrote it like this:

"Thanks," he muttered, a small smile gracing his features and a grateful sparkle in his eyes.

Kenichi shrugged nonchalantly, mirroring the smile. "Any time. Hey, what did the captain say?" Kenichi asked, knitting his eyebrows together curiously.

"It was Lieutenant Hyun. And he said he'd steer the ship into boarding position."

"Well, then let's go!" Kenichi said eagerly and already started walking away but was promptly stopped in his tracks when Kaikichi grabbed his shoulder.


This story is interesting, though. And I'd like to read more.

[historyman12]

Kaikichi turned the corner, with Kenichi ahead of him and Kichirou behind him, they walked down the stairs. He and Kichirou turned a corner to go to the enlisted men's quarter's while Kenichi continued walking, saying good night as he walked to the officer's quarters. Kaikichi opened the door to the sleeping quarters, and Kichirou walked in, nodding in thanks and Kaikichi entered the room himself and closed the door. He jumped in his bunk and shortly after, men began streaming in. He spotted Minoru in the group of sailors streaming in, some talking others silent.

After several minutes, Kaikichi's mind began to wander. He began to think fondly of life at home, several months ago now. He remembered his family, his father a man, though somewhat lacking in size and strength as he was a thin man and not particularly tall, but had served in the navy as a young man, and came home after winning a medal for bravery. He too remembered his father's merchant business, which has brought the family money for such a long time, since before his father, or many family records. In fact, one local tall tale claimed that it had was the oldest establishment in the province, aside, of course, for government buildings. Neither Kaikichi nor his father really believed the rumors but enjoyed them, as they gave the family something of a prominent position in the area.

In much the same manner he remembered his mother. She and his father had married young, as Jung, his mother, was only 19, and Haneul, his father, had only recently returned from war service and was 23. Both his parents spoke of how short the courtship was. His mother, in particular told of how short the courtship was, in her account, they met, knew each other for less than a month before, she claimed, he went to her father and matter-of-factly asked "Can I marry your daughter?" to which her father, of course, said yes. His father's version was a bit more dramatic. In his, they met each other and courted for a bit under six months, then, his father, moved with courage and love for Jung, asked her father if he could marry her. Exclusive to Kaikichi's father's story though, was a long and impassioned discussion about whether or not he should be allowed to marry his daughter.

Kaikichi smiled, remembering the eternal point of friendly disagreement between his parents. He began to wonder when he would return home, and shortly afterwards, fell to sleep.


Ta-da.