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Post by Hinata Uzumaki IS BACK on Dec 10, 2007 15:28:24 GMT -5
((hmmm.....maybe....the next chappie is gonna be based on katara and maybe zuko so i have time to think about toph and aang. thanks for the idea.)) *after about a week.......*
okay! heres chapter 4!......finally!
Katara stepped off of the Water tribe boat and walked into the harbor town. The climate,of course was totally different then it is to the North pole. As Katara was walking,she glanced around and saw a lot of people,shops of many goods from all over the world and buildings. Katara shedded off her furry coat and threw it in her sack that was hanging on her thin back. In the note that Hakoda sent her, He would be in the town in a few days. Katara got there ahead of schedule ,so she had about a day to herself. As she was walking,she wandered into a tea shop. "okay,maybe i'll have some tea."Katara said to herself. She headed towards the small line of people at the stand in the front of the shop. There were people at booths and tables all drinking tea or coffee. Behind the counter,there was a Tall male bringing cups of hot tea from the back and handing them to customers.He had Messy black hair but that was all Katara could see. There was finally only one person in front of her. "thankyou, have a nice day."he said to the person in front of Katara.His voice sounded rehearsed. The guy turned around and put the money that the customer gave into a brown,locked box behind him. "Hello,what would you like to-."he said turning around but stopped and locked eyes with Katara. He had a huge red scar on his left eye and piercing amber eyes. "Its ......you....."Katara said quietly,in astonishment.
tell me what y'all think.
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ilovetaang03
Avatar Yangchen
Im a secret AGENT MAN. A SECRET AGENT MAN!!!! (though im a girl)
Posts: 1,522
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Post by ilovetaang03 on Dec 13, 2007 19:58:24 GMT -5
oh my god that is so good i love it every chapter... all of it write more or ill cry real hard and and be sad and not happy
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Post by kataangist™ Is Nostolgic <3 on Dec 14, 2007 14:07:37 GMT -5
Agreed!
that is fantastic!
karma for ya!
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Apocalypsering
Sokka
I am the world's only BendyStrawBender!
Posts: 130
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Post by Apocalypsering on Dec 14, 2007 14:27:42 GMT -5
It's far too action-centric. Part of good writing is expressing yourself and drawing the readers into a world which you create. You need to elaborate on your environments much more and try to delve more deeply into what the characters are thinking and feeling. You should also proofread your work to fix any typos, as they tend to break the story up for readers. An otherwise brilliant chapter can be ruined by too many typos shattering the suspension of disbelief of the reader. Remember, the reader can't see what you're imagining, they can only read what you've written. A good description of the setting will dramatically add to the quality of the scene as a whole.
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Post by kataangist™ Is Nostolgic <3 on Dec 14, 2007 15:38:30 GMT -5
yes but to much description will bore the reader and over load the person's mind
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ilovetaang03
Avatar Yangchen
Im a secret AGENT MAN. A SECRET AGENT MAN!!!! (though im a girl)
Posts: 1,522
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Post by ilovetaang03 on Dec 14, 2007 15:39:27 GMT -5
yeah hinata's story is fine the way it is yeah it is like awsome
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Post by kataangist™ Is Nostolgic <3 on Dec 14, 2007 15:51:32 GMT -5
yeah.
i like it the way she hasn't put to much description in.
then she let's us make up the world in our minds our selves.
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ilovetaang03
Avatar Yangchen
Im a secret AGENT MAN. A SECRET AGENT MAN!!!! (though im a girl)
Posts: 1,522
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Post by ilovetaang03 on Dec 14, 2007 15:57:36 GMT -5
yeah well desripion is good but hinata's story rox mi soxs
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Post by kataangist™ Is Nostolgic <3 on Dec 14, 2007 16:02:20 GMT -5
are you irish or somethin ma sista?
cos i am! he he he
RIGHT THE NEXT CHAPTER ALREADY!
:puts on puppy eyes:
pweeeeeeze
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Apocalypsering
Sokka
I am the world's only BendyStrawBender!
Posts: 130
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Post by Apocalypsering on Dec 14, 2007 16:08:33 GMT -5
>_>
<_<
Oh boy, this is going to be a problem....
I've got to say people, as a young writer of fanfiction and someone who strives to improve my writing daily, I would be rather insulted by most of these comments. Showering praise on someone is all well and good, but when giving a review you should point out the bad as well as the good. Say what you liked, what you didn't like, what was done well, what was done poorly, ect.
For one thing, the story is already supposedly five chapters long and yet it has established no setting nor any real possibility of a deep and involving plot. Description is not an optional tool of writing, it's a mechanic which is necessary for producing high-quality writing. It's also a balancing act. Overloads of description are often very boring. But when used correctly, a well described scene is infinitely more meaningful and powerful than a few lines of "John did this, then Bob said that, then Suzie gasped, then Fred ran out of the building."
Hinata, you should try starting with some basic stuff. Give us some kind of atmosphere for the scene. Is it sunny, how hot is it, does the tea shop have a distinct scent? You said the climate was different from the north pole. Give us two or three sentences explaining what is different about them. What does Katara see when she gets off of the ship? Is the area busy, deserted, full of parots? Small insertions of details can make your writing much much better. Also, I said it in my last post, but proofreading
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Post by kataangist™ Is Nostolgic <3 on Dec 14, 2007 16:15:35 GMT -5
good point.
this story is good and all.
but what's the plot?
what's the purpose?
what's gonna happen?
why?
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Post by Hinata Uzumaki IS BACK on Dec 14, 2007 16:21:31 GMT -5
((to,Kataangist likes tokka,....oh yeah,join his side!!!)) Apocalypsering,i appriate your sugestions and critism but, this is my story to decide how it goes and how much description and stuff is in it.
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Apocalypsering
Sokka
I am the world's only BendyStrawBender!
Posts: 130
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Post by Apocalypsering on Dec 14, 2007 16:22:50 GMT -5
good point. this story is good and all. but what's the plot? what's the purpose? what's gonna happen? why? I figured that would happen. Oh well. When the next chapter comes up, I'll review it.
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Post by kataangist™ Is Nostolgic <3 on Dec 14, 2007 16:31:01 GMT -5
((to,Kataangist likes tokka,....oh yeah,join his side!!!)) Apocalypsering,i appriate your sugestions and critism but, this is my story to decide how it goes and how much description and stuff is in it. no it's not that! it's just i think i've got it? i forgot about that taang moment. (cant wait for that to continue) i bet it's like anime; bit by bit is revealed at one time. i'm now back on your side hinata!
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Post by Hinata Uzumaki IS BACK on Dec 14, 2007 16:37:43 GMT -5
oh okay sorry. i'll modify this post later because i cant think of any ideas...this will be back with Toph and aang and i cant think of any thing!
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