Zink
Ty Lee
"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8
Posts: 4,279
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Post by Zink on Oct 5, 2007 23:45:36 GMT -5
I really like where this story is going. The best thing you can do to improve your writing is typing them up in a Word document and running it through the built-in grammar and spelling check. If I didn't know you, I probably wouldn't read it because of the errors, and you don't want to turn away readers on such an easily corrected issue.
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Post by Kohana on Oct 6, 2007 5:07:12 GMT -5
I've already said this to you, but I agree with Zink. Maybe writing it in a Word-doc would help you correct the spelling errors. Or maybe asking someone to beta-read it for you before you post the chapter is also an option. ^_^ Oh, and not to sound so critical or anything, but maybe you should divide that long paragraph in smaller pieces. Not too small, but just a bit smaller than that one. I like writing long paragraphs too, but I try to keep a maximum so it won't get too exhausting for the readers to read such a long piece on the computer screen. It's just a little tip. But anyways, it was a good chapter and I hope you continue soon.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Oct 8, 2007 9:34:22 GMT -5
^roger roger
^roger roger
Aang moved up, wary still, although Azula had fled, almost expecting some sort of trap. He kept his arms raised, and Katara moced up as well, Zhou stayed a few feet behind, with Toph and Sokka, who was rapidly losing conciousness.
"Come on!' Zhou yelled at the woozy Sokka, and slapped him to regian his attention. It didn't work, and Sokka flopped to the ground, unconcious, since he cartoid artery was blocked.
"Let's go," Aang said and his friends, sans Sokka, nodded in agreement, and they walked towards Appa. Shih lifted Sokka up in a fireman's carry and dumped him on Appa and climbed on. Momo fluttered around and landed on Sokka's face. Momo, somewhat confused that Sokka didn't attempt to knock him off, began crawl all over Sokka's body, to the hysterical laughter of Aang and Katara, laughter from Toph, and a subdued chuckle from Zhou. Eventually Sokka lifted his arm in a dazed fashion, to get Momo off him.
Zuko sat on the ground, glad that he would finally get some sleep after the 2 day nonstop ride. And it wouldn't have been that bad had it ended fruitfully. He still wondered why he wasn't back in the Fire Nation; Azula still said they were making sure the Avatar and his friends weren't anywhere, and there weren't any rebels, but Zuko had doubted that. He was dead. Shot in the back by Azula. But judging by today's encounter he was. He turned over, now being bugged by Song. Why would he have spent so much energy helping her? He knew better. She was just an insignificant Earth Kingdom girl. Who had helped him, though. Done what for him? Well, she had saved uncle's life? Him, Zuko? Him? He was a fool, that betrayed him and they Fire Nation. But that was before his foolishness. Before the betrayal. But did uncle really betray him? Well, of course he did, he stopped supporting him and the Fire Nation. But he was not considered a citizen, and wanted dead already. So then maybe he had just been a traitor this whole time. But then so had he; perhaps he had turned back into the light and goodness of the Fire Nation. He needed sleep no matter the ethical debate, so he blocked out the thoughts of Uncle and Song, roled over, and slept at long last.
SPELLING!
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Post by Kohana on Oct 11, 2007 5:39:35 GMT -5
I corrected it somewhat for you, if you didn't mind. ^_^
(I don't know what you mean by "cartoid" so I made it red, because it wasn't correct in the spelling check.)
Aang moved up, weary still, although Azula had fled, almost expecting some sort of trap. He kept his arms raised, and Katara moved up as well, Zhou stayed a few feet behind, with Toph and Sokka, who was rapidly losing consciousness.
"Come on!' Zhou yelled at the woozy Sokka, and slapped him to regain his attention. It didn't work, and Sokka flopped to the ground, unconscious, since he cartoid artery was blocked.
"Let's go," Aang said and his friends, sans Sokka, nodded in agreement, and they walked towards Appa. Shih lifted Sokka up in a fireman's carry and dumped him on Appa and climbed on. Momo fluttered around and landed on Sokka's face. Momo, somewhat confused that Sokka didn't attempt to knock him off, began crawl all over Sokka's body, to the hysterical laughter of Aang and Katara, laughter from Toph, and a subdued chuckle from Zhou. Eventually Sokka lifted his arm in a dazed fashion, to get Momo off him.
Zuko sat on the ground, glad that he would finally get some sleep after the 2 day nonstop ride. And it wouldn't have been that bad had it ended fruitfully. He still wondered why he wasn't back in the Fire Nation; Azula still said they were making sure the Avatar and his friends weren't anywhere, and there weren't any rebels, but Zuko had doubted that.
He was dead.
Shot in the back by Azula.
But judging by today's encounter he was. He turned over, now being bugged by Song. Why would he have spent so much energy on helping her? He knew better. She was just an insignificant Earth Kingdom girl. Who had helped him, though. Done what for him? Well, she had saved Uncle's life? Him, Zuko? Him? He was a fool, that betrayed him and they Fire Nation. But that was before his foolishness. Before the betrayal. But did Uncle really betray him?
Well, of course he did, he stopped supporting him and the Fire Nation. But he was not considered a citizen, and wanted dead already. So then maybe he had just been a traitor this whole time. But then so had he; perhaps he had turned back into the light and goodness of the Fire Nation. He needed sleep no matter the ethical debate, so he blocked out the thoughts of Uncle and Song, rolled over, and slept at long last.
Anyways, good chapter. I like where this story is going.
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Post by Tsukasa Hiiragi on Oct 15, 2007 1:58:25 GMT -5
few spelling mistakes but otherwise fantastic! love your style of the story!
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Oct 15, 2007 15:07:08 GMT -5
I corrected it somewhat for you, if you didn't mind. ^_^
(I don't know what you mean by "cartoid" so I made it red, because it wasn't correct in the spelling check.)Aang moved up, weary still, although Azula had fled, almost expecting some sort of trap. He kept his arms raised, and Katara moved up as well, Zhou stayed a few feet behind, with Toph and Sokka, who was rapidly losing consciousness. "Come on!' Zhou yelled at the woozy Sokka, and slapped him to regain his attention. It didn't work, and Sokka flopped to the ground, unconscious, since he cartoid artery was blocked. "Let's go," Aang said and his friends, sans Sokka, nodded in agreement, and they walked towards Appa. Shih lifted Sokka up in a fireman's carry and dumped him on Appa and climbed on. Momo fluttered around and landed on Sokka's face. Momo, somewhat confused that Sokka didn't attempt to knock him off, began crawl all over Sokka's body, to the hysterical laughter of Aang and Katara, laughter from Toph, and a subdued chuckle from Zhou. Eventually Sokka lifted his arm in a dazed fashion, to get Momo off him. Zuko sat on the ground, glad that he would finally get some sleep after the 2 day nonstop ride. And it wouldn't have been that bad had it ended fruitfully. He still wondered why he wasn't back in the Fire Nation; Azula still said they were making sure the Avatar and his friends weren't anywhere, and there weren't any rebels, but Zuko had doubted that. He was dead. Shot in the back by Azula. But judging by today's encounter he was. He turned over, now being bugged by Song. Why would he have spent so much energy on helping her? He knew better. She was just an insignificant Earth Kingdom girl. Who had helped him, though. Done what for him? Well, she had saved Uncle's life? Him, Zuko? Him? He was a fool, that betrayed him and they Fire Nation. But that was before his foolishness. Before the betrayal. But did Uncle really betray him? Well, of course he did, he stopped supporting him and the Fire Nation. But he was not considered a citizen, and wanted dead already. So then maybe he had just been a traitor this whole time. But then so had he; perhaps he had turned back into the light and goodness of the Fire Nation. He needed sleep no matter the ethical debate, so he blocked out the thoughts of Uncle and Song, rolled over, and slept at long last. Anyways, good chapter. I like where this story is going. cartoid artery=artery carrying blood to the brain. actually a touch ironic that you put it in red, honestly.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Oct 20, 2007 18:33:22 GMT -5
Appa touched down after a several day flight, which they were able to get through via their acquisition of food in the village. Shih hopped off first, unsure of where to go, as he only knew they were now headed towards some Mechanist or other in the Northern Air Temple; which, last he had heard, abandoned. Sokka got off second followed by Katara, Aang and, finally Toph, who was still moving slowly due to her broken arm.
"Where are we heading now?" Shih asked
"The Northern Air Temple," Aang replied
"Yes, I know, but where? As in, where on this landing?" Zhou said
"Oh, we're just heading a few miles north on foot without Appa." Sokka entered "Right. But why do ye need to go to the Northern Air Temple?"
"So I can work on he war effort with my ingenuity," Sokka replied "Ingenuity? Son, you'll need to work on your ingenuity in fighting before you invent a war machine."
"What?"
"When you grabbed whoever he was, with the scar, from the Fire Nation. you know the one with the four girl?"
"Him? Zuko? Now what did I do without ingenuity?" "When you grabbed him by the shoulders. There were at least five opportunities you missed."
"Like what?"
"Watch. Grab me by the shoulders like you did him."
Sokka moved up, grabbing Zhou's shoulders. Zhou quickly simulated a quick kick to Sokka's groin, stopping it just before the kick hit its mark. He then moved his fingers across his eyes, pretending to rake his eyes.
"See?"
"Well, okay, so what, have I become full of ingenuity now?"
"Not nearly. I guess I 'll teach you how to fight while we're traveling."
"But can't you earthbend?"
"yes, and what does that have to do with teaching you ingenuity?"
"Well, you're a bender. Can't benders only fight by bending?"
"I just fought you without it."
"Well, I guess you could teach me." Sokka said slowly
"ah good, now, we have 10 or so miles to walk down this road, and only two days"
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Oct 22, 2007 19:45:09 GMT -5
"But wait, Zhou, if you're teaching Sokka to fight and everthing how will you teach me to Earthebnd? And how do you know about ingenuity and that stuff?" Aang asked
"I've learned a lot in my 75 years," Zhou said, smirking "And besides, who's to say I can't do both?"
"But it'll take time and you have to do both, and we have to walk and everything so-"
"look ,we have 16 or so hours a day, right? 3-4 hours teaching you Earthbending, the same teaching Sokka ingenuity, that gives us a good 8-10 hours for everything else."
"I guess that seems okay, and-"
"good, let's go."
With that they were off, ready to embark along the forest road until the forest ended, at which point they 'd get back onto Appa and take off.
Later in the day they stopped, and Zhou took the opportunity to give Sokka an ingenuity lesson.
"Sokka, up, boy." he said
"What?" Sokka replied
"Up, boy, come on, can't skip a day"
"Well, alright, I guess-" "Good. Now, what weapons are in the camp and forest?"
"Weapons?" Sokka asked, Shih nodded, and gestured around to the objects in the campsite, and even towards the forest.
I HATE IT WHEN MY PARENTS CALL ME WHILE I'M IN MY WRITING GROOVE.
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Post by Kohana on Nov 1, 2007 16:26:48 GMT -5
Good chapter. I love it that Zhou wants to teach Sokka.
He gets a new teacher as well. xD
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Nov 1, 2007 16:29:50 GMT -5
Good chapter. I love it that Zhou wants to teach Sokka. He gets a new teacher as well. xD as does Aang. oh, and, I swear I had this idea before Sokka's Master. I SWEAR.
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Post by Kohana on Nov 1, 2007 16:31:01 GMT -5
Good chapter. I love it that Zhou wants to teach Sokka. He gets a new teacher as well. xD as does Aang. oh, and, I swear I had this idea before Sokka's Master. I SWEAR. I believe you. You did start writing this story way sooner before Sokka's Master aired.
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Ilise
Buzzard Wasp
w00t, it's Jun
Posts: 503
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Post by Ilise on Nov 2, 2007 21:02:25 GMT -5
That would be 'carotid' artery, I believe.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Nov 9, 2007 16:28:01 GMT -5
^ah. it wasn't even in the spell-check, I blieve.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Nov 16, 2007 19:45:11 GMT -5
"Well, let's for weapons we have, Aang's staff, my club and machete, and, well I guess your breastplate" Sokka said
"That's it?" Zhou asked
"Well, yeah, I guess."
"All of the pieces of trees are weapons. And my boots. So are the rocks you use for the campfire. And-" Zhou said, reaching down into his boot, and pulling out a small dagger "these are as well"
"But, but, how are those weapons?" Sokka asked "Well, I mean I can understand the dagger, but the tree chips? And your boots? And the campfire rocks? How are those weapons?"
Zhou calmly walked over to a tree and ripped off one of its branches. He walked over to Sokka and asked "What would I be doing if I tried to beat with this piece of wood?"
"Attack me, I guess."
"Well, what would I be using this as?"
"A...weapon, Zhou. But the tiny chips?"
"I can poke you in the eye with it."
"Okay, you're right. They are weapons. But now what?"
"Now you can use them in a fight."
"I won't have time to look around and find them!"
"Don't worry, soon enough it'll become a reflex. Now, I have an exercise for you. We'll go out into the forest and we'll each come back with 10 weapons after maybe 45 minutes. And they all have to be different things."
"Okay," Sokka said and walked off with Zhou into the forest.
Several minutes later he looked at his collection of 3 objects, a tree branch, a tree chip, and a rock he found on the ground. I'm going to need some more stuff he thought as he looked around. Suddenly he thought he heard a twig snap
It's nothing, he though as he continued walking, must have just been the wind or an animal. His view was changed rather abruptly when he was grabbed from behind and felt someone put his hand around his mouth, preventing him from talking.
Oh, very funny Zhou, Sokka thought, struggling to lean down to get his rock. He was yanked up, but continued moving down with all his force. As the struggle continued he saw someone move up to right in front of him. Foolishly he looked up and found it was Azula. What? What the hell? What's going on? He saw the girl move up, and the last thing he saw was her knee come dangerously close to his face before the sky went green as the trees, then pitch black.
CLIFFHANGERY
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Post by Kohana on Nov 24, 2007 6:41:16 GMT -5
Owww... suspenceful.
I bet it's Ty Lee who did that. ;D
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