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Post by username on Jul 10, 2008 22:25:32 GMT -5
Kaneda, please try to add more to your posts ^^; My post said plenty, it just did it more quickly and efficiently.
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Post by dgw2008 on Jul 10, 2008 22:28:57 GMT -5
name: Don Go Won age: 18 weight: 200 lbs nations: Fire Nation family: Genral Zon Go Won III Jay Si Won, Admiral Zon Go Won II, Uzos Fa Won bender: Fire, lighting eyes: Gold hair: none wears: puffed out brown pants tight boots that go up to the knee he also has a small vest height: 6'1 weapon: Dual Dao sabers skill level: High aliases : The Dark King, Monsho Qu flaws: he get to angry to control himself History: Don is the son of Genral Zon Go Won III and grandson of Admiral Zon Go Won II both were persent when [[Zuko]] spoke out of turn and when he was banshed. Growing up he was freinds with Zuko, and is a very skilled firebender. When he was 16 his dad attacked him with a sword and he fought him off but got a scar from the sword over his right eye. What else did I miss and I am sorry that I missed those I am talking to like 5 other people
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Post by Veidt on Jul 13, 2008 18:03:31 GMT -5
You probably all know already, but I just feel like mentioning how there's a difference between listing a flaw, and making it an actual flaw. A lot of times people make things that could be flaws, but don't treat them or address them like proper flaws. When you do that, they might as well be Sues.
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Ilise
Buzzard Wasp
w00t, it's Jun
Posts: 503
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Post by Ilise on Jul 15, 2008 21:34:23 GMT -5
@veidt: Very true. I often do that myself, unfortunately. ' @dgw: This character bears shocking similarity to Zuko himself. His father attacked him and he bears a scar? Er... Also, his prodigious talent (18 and can work with lightning, but isn't royalty) is so far unjustified. Plus, we've seen from the series that anger can actually help fuel firebending, so his 'weakness' could empower him. I'm not going to say anything is wrong with your character, but it would help a lot if we had more background - how he grew up, how his upbringing influenced various traits, etc. You've got the basics, now defend your choices so he doesn't seem Stuish.
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Post by dgw2008 on Jul 18, 2008 1:15:56 GMT -5
The scar is from a sword I wanted for him to be like my best fiend whose dad is a drunk and hurts his family The anger part is that he gets to angry and get out of control And the lighting in the show you don’t have to be a royal you just have to be powerful and know how to separate the chi and be able to guide it
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Post by dgw2008 on Jul 18, 2008 1:16:14 GMT -5
and i will post more later
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Post by Empy on Jul 18, 2008 9:50:39 GMT -5
Please refrain from double posting, use the modify button ^_^
I think you really should flesh out the character more, like the others said. I mean, even his aliases seem a little Stu-ish (The Dark King?) If we knew what the aliases were for they might make more sense however when someone is referred to as the Dark King, can lightening bend at 18 and is not royalty, and is a talented swordsman who used to be Zuko's friend... these point to Stu-ish qualities unless you can explain them properly.
About his anger- Does it happen often? Does he feel remorse afterwords? Is his anger a result of his treatment by his father or is it just his personality?
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Post by Zukosfire5 on Jul 18, 2008 22:19:47 GMT -5
OKay, here's a character that's been floating around my head for a while.
Name: Phuong of the Quy clan
Nations: Fire
Age: 16
Parents: Her parents are members of a traveling circus
Bender: Yes
Eyes: Golden
Hair: Long and black and is usually braided into small dreads and then the dreads are pulled into a high ponytail. Red and gold colored ribons are braided into her hair.
Clothes: Her performance costume consists of silken pants that are red and loose from her waist to her knees but gold and skintight from her knees to her ankles. Her top is made of red silk and bares her midriff as well as leaves her shoulders and arms bare. She also wears golden cuffs around her wrists and her feet are bare. Her eyelashes are frosted gold, her face powdered white, and she wears bright red eyeshadow and red lipstick
Her normal outfit is a simple dark red cotton dress that has semi-loose sleeves and a slightly billowy skirt that comes to the ground. She wears black leather boots and a leather belt. Her hair is in a bun at the nape of her neck.
Height: 5'5"
Weapon: She doesn't use a formal weapon, but for performances she has several batons with red and gold silk ribbons attached. Skill level: Firebending is mediocre for her age; as an acrobat/dancer, she is quite skilled but only because of strict training methods.
Flaws: Phuong is quite arrogant; because her family are the only benders in the traveling troupe she feels they are better than everyone else. She also expects everyone to perform perfectly and can become quite cruel to those who don't meet her standards. She never does this in view of her parents though.
Siblings: Twin sisters named Jin and Nuo, age 14; an older brother named Haruto, age 18
History: Phuong's family makes a living as acrobats/ fire dancers in a traveling circus made up of four different families. Each family has a certain trait or ability that is showcased in the circus. Her family, the Quy clan, are the only benders and Phuong believes that makes them better than the other families.
The other three clans are the Sefu clan, who are sword swallowers and knife throwers, the Taika clan, who specialize in petty sorcery and magic, and the Tapio clan, who are very close to the animals.
Phuong's parents, Hiroto (father) and Mayu (mother) place all their children under a strict training regime. By some stroke of genetic and spiritual luck, all the members of her family can bend. However, they don't practice bending as much as their acrobatic skills and the ability to be light on their feet. The only exception is her brother. Because he is too masculine to use colorful ribbons in his act, he has a more developed style of Firebending that allows him to make fantastical shapes and animals out of fire.
For a traveling circus, they are fairly affluent. The fame of their skill has spread and the circus has a reputation of being among the best performances in the country.
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Post by Chibi Chan-o on Jul 18, 2008 22:25:06 GMT -5
Is it okay to post non-Avatar OCs as long as I explain the story background to help with any evaluations?
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Ilise
Buzzard Wasp
w00t, it's Jun
Posts: 503
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Post by Ilise on Jul 18, 2008 22:34:30 GMT -5
The scar is from a sword I wanted for him to be like my best fiend whose dad is a drunk and hurts his family The anger part is that he gets to angry and get out of control And the lighting in the show you don’t have to be a royal you just have to be powerful and know how to separate the chi and be able to guide it Okay, you don't have to try and contradict me. Just defend your choices more clearly. I don't want to seem insensitive to your friend, but as I'm just focusing on a critique of your character, a raging father is a distinct parallel to Zuko. Especially if a scar is left. Also, some sort of weakness would stem from this, whether psychological or physical. Zuko's weakness from his scar was (a. being banished and (b. a ridiculous sense of honour. This could be a good opportunity for you to flesh out your character and add depth in an emotional history. (Be that as it may, if I randomly saw this in a fic, I'd point to it and go "Zuko". Just sayin'.) Out of control or not, anger turns into power, which we have seen in the show itself. Also, you don't just need to know how to separate the chi - you need to have the ability to. Obviously, Zuko himself, a very skilled firebender, lacks that ability. Azula is both royalty and a prodigy, and therefore the exception. 18-year-olds who can use lightning aren't just 10-a-penny. Again, I'm not going to attack your choices. These characteristics are just representative of those of Stus etc. zukosfire: I'd like to read more about this character. She seems interesting. However, her lineage - is it really pure chance that her whole family was blessed with firebending? And the other people in the circus - are they afraid, or - well, how do they react to her working with fire? Does that impact her at all? [/randomquestions]
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Post by fireprincess on Jul 20, 2008 9:23:32 GMT -5
Name: Meiyu Nations: Fire Parents: Fire Dancer (Mother), Nobleman (Father) Bender: Yes Eyes: Amber Hair: Black Clothes: Meiyu's performance outfit is a red kimono with orange flame designs on the hem and sleeves which are detailed in gold. Her face is usually powdered white and her lips are painted blood-red. Her cheeks are sometimes dusted with blush to achieve a flushed look. When not performing, Meiyu wears a simple red kimono that is edged in brown on the sleeves and hem. She also wears brown or black slippers. The obi or belt that ties her kimono on is also brown. Height: 5'1 Weapon: Meiyu uses no formal weapon. She does use twin red fans however during performances to enhance her firebending. Flaws: Meiyu is prone to extreme jealousy being that she is the youngest of three sisters. Her older sisters always seem to be perfect and this makes her also rather vengeful as well. She often wants to "one-up" them or show them that she is really more than she appears to be. Her other flaw is that she has trouble firebending and often cannot control her raging flames which has caused many accidents on and off stage. Also Meiyu has a habit of sneaking into places that she shouldn't. Siblings: Two older sisters: Keiko and N'rae History: Meiyu was born into a family of Fire Dancers living in the Palace of Fire Lord Ozai. Naturally, Meiyu wanted to become a dancer herself but she lacked some of the necessary traits. She could not dance as well as her sisters nor could she firebend as well as they could. But she did try hard and eventually caught the attention of Mameha, the most accomplished Fire Dancer in the nation and became her apprentice. In time, she was able to complete her first minor performance before the Fire Lord and other nobles with moderate success. During the night however, she snuck into the Throne Room and spied Prince Zuko and Ozal conversing about the recent "death" of Avatar Aang. This conversation almost goes to blows when Azula enters the scene. Soon afterward, Meiyu meets Zuko and introduces herself for the first time. They chat briefly before Zuko leaves to find his true destiny. Link to Fanfic: distanthorizons.proboards31.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=fic&thread=13860&page=1#934409
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Post by Zukosfire5 on Jul 20, 2008 19:37:15 GMT -5
@ilise: Yes, it was a luck of the draw that her parents and her siblings and herself can all firebend. I haven't quite thought out the lineage yet, but she does have contact with various aunts/uncles/cousins from time to time, and not all of them can firebend.
Also, the other families aren't scared of her family. If you recall, one family is proficient with knives and another with magic. Not to mention Phuong's parents aren't as arrogant about bending as she is and they only use their bending in performances and the occasional campfire/candle lighting. Phuong is more of a bully to the children of the other families because she believes she's superior, but she wouldn't actually attack them with her bending because that could actually hurt/scar someone and she doesn't want to actually inflict bodily harm on someone. She's more of a psychological bully.
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Ilise
Buzzard Wasp
w00t, it's Jun
Posts: 503
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Post by Ilise on Jul 20, 2008 23:33:51 GMT -5
zukosfire: Ah. Gotcha. If it were for a fanfiction, I would read it. I love all the circussy goodness, I must admit. fireprincess: I believe I've reviewed your work - I wish you'd update! Though OCxZuko isn't really my thing, you seem to focus more on her character, which I like.
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Jul 21, 2008 0:25:02 GMT -5
@ fireprincess: Meiyu seems okay in terms of Sue traits. I actually read part of your fic a while ago and it was pretty good. Zukosfire5 : Phuong also seems okay, assuming that when you say "psychological bully" you mean it like a schoolyard bully and not like you might call Azula a bully, and also assuming when you say "magic" you mean card tricks and illusions rather than the "+4 Wand of Summoning" type magic.
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Post by Zukosfire5 on Jul 22, 2008 21:02:16 GMT -5
manzai: Yes, I mean illusions, not literal magic. However, most of the people who watch the circus actually believe it is real magic. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say about schoolyard bully vs. Azula bully. Phuong is more of a person who will use words to hurt someone instead of fists. I guess you could say she's like the girls in Mean Girls.
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