historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Jul 24, 2008 20:33:44 GMT -5
This one takes place several years after the series finale, and it centers on...a second war! However though, it begins just after the finale. Oh, and, it jumps back and forth between several character's viewpoints. Enjoy. Fire Lord Zuko rose from his fitful sleep and walked to his balcony. This was the third time this week he'd been awoken by the image of Azula screaming after her defeat. Try as he might, he couldn't shake the image from his mind. He was confused about his own horror at the image too. After all, even his uncle, a man who stood out for his love and compassion, said that she was crazy and needed to go down. How, then, was it, that he felt horrified after she had fallen? He shook his head, and looked out at the cityscape, trying to change his thoughts. He looked up at the sky, and, after several seconds, the image of Azula screaming came back again. He now roared in frustration, and went into his room. At that point, he sat on his bed, attempting to think of a way to remedy the problem. Chasing the thought from his head had failed, so he tried to think of another way to resolve the problem. For several minutes, no thoughts came to his head, until he thought that he might see Azula in prison, to, he hoped, prove to himself that Azula wasn't still screaming, and, perhaps, supplant that image with a new one. " What?" he thought, " What good could that do?"" " None, perhaps, but it can do no harm, and I can't keep going like this much longer, I've been so tired I can barely walk." So, at that, he put on his royal robes, and exited the door, never once realizing that he was going out before daylight. Zuko walked through the streets alone, dressed in his formal robes, which he had put on by force of habit, as he often had an audience in the morning. So there the Fire Lord walked alone, in formal robes, to visit his sister to convince himself that she was half-sane, before 5:00 in the morning. Never once did the peculiarity of the situation strike him. He walked up to the gates of the Fire Nation capital's prison, and was stopped by two guards. "Excuse me sir, please step-" he paused, surprised at the sight of the Fire Lord there, and he and the other guard bowed. "My apologies, your highness, but, if I may ask a question, why are you here this early..sir...I mean, your highness?" "It's okay. Rise." replied Zuko. "Yes, your majesty, but as I had said, why are you here this early?" he asked. "It's complicated" Zuko said, and the other guard nodded, to tell his fellow guard to open the gates, which he did. Zuko now entered the prison, and walked down the halls, and the guards repeatedly bowed, some going prostrate at the sight of him, and he found himself saying "Rise," over and over again. Eventually he came to a cell barred by two guards and a metal door. The guards there crossed spears to bar entry out of habit, but bowed instantly at the sight of their ruler, and stammered out an apology. "Stand," Zuko said. "Let me in." "Uh, sir, your grace, you do know this is Azula's cell, right...your grace?" a guard asked. "Of course." Zuko replied "Now let me through." "Yes, your grace, of course, but, just for your information it is national prison policy that we accompany any noble, and especially our Lord and King into a cell, especially this one." the guard said. Zuko paused and then said "Fine. Let us go in, then." "Yes, your grace," the guard said, and opened the door. Zuko and his guards now entered Azula's cell. And that's all for now.
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Post by arbiter on Jul 25, 2008 3:08:29 GMT -5
very good
Please add more to you posts. Authors always want constructive criticism to make their work better. What did you like about it? What didn't you like? What do you think they could improve on?
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Post by Kohana on Jul 25, 2008 6:08:00 GMT -5
It's very intriguing. I'd love to read more. But I must say that your dialogue still needs some work. You always write: "...," asked x. "...," replied y. "...," said x. Throw in some adjectives that indicate the way they say something, or some actions like how their facial expressions are when they say something. Or find some synonyms of the words, in stead of constantly using 'to ask', 'to reply' and 'to say'. It will really make the story even more enjoyable to read. And another thing I've noticed is this: "Excuse me sir, please step-" he paused, surprised at the sight of the Fire Lord there, and he and the other guard bowed. "My apologies, your highness, but, if I may ask a question, why are you here this early..sir...I mean, your highness?"
"It's okay. Rise." replied Zuko.
"Yes, your majesty, but as I had said, why are you here this early?" he asked.I really doubt that a guard will press on the matter/ask his question again, after his Fire Lord has brushed it away by ignoring it. Especially because I think the servants, guards, etc... would have learned by now to not question anything the Fire Lord does, with a previous Fire Lord like Ozai. Otherwise the story intrigues me which is always a good thing.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Jul 25, 2008 17:18:18 GMT -5
Yay for constructive criticism. Chapter two time. Zuko and the two guards walked into Azula's cell. Zuko lit a small flame to illuminate the room, and crouched in front of Azula. Zuko could see now that the floor was disgustingly grimy and he grimaced for a moment before looking at Azula. She seemed much calmer, so changed from when he last saw her. That's because she's asleep, Zuko, he thought. He could now only hope that she would be that way, or even half-sane when she awoke. He sat there for several minutes waiting for Azula to wake. He took the time to try to think what to say, but could not think of anything, as hard as he tried. She did awaken, eventually, and looked around. Soon she noticed Zuko, and first blinked, unsure whether she had actually seen him. She then stared at him in hate, and muttered, "Zuko. You." She continued staring at him hatefully, saying "Well? What have you come here for?" Zuko opened his mouth to speak, but said nothing. Think, Zuko, think! Azula's breathing was by now, heavy, and she continued to stare at Zuko, before leaping at him, screaming in rage. The two guards jumped on Azula, pinning her to the floor. One guard stood up, and grabbed his spear, and held it above Azula before Zuko's hand reached out to stop him. "Stop," Zuko said quietly. "Yes, your grace," the guard said , lowering his spear. "Back away for a moment," Zuko commanded the guard on top. "Yes, your grace," the guard replied, stepping back from Azula. Zuko now stepped closer to Aula, staring right at her. "You did this to me," Azula said, rage obvious, "You, and the peasant, and Mai and Ty Lee, and all of you!" she screamed. "If it weren't for you fools, I'd still be in control, but look what you've left me! A wreck, left in a disgusting cell, with a guard on top of me!" Zuko continued staring at her for several moments, before saying, quietly but firmly, "You brought this on yourself." He turned around, and, head down, left the cell. His guards followed quickly, and shut the door behind him. "With that be all, my liege?" asked one guard hesitantly, and Zuko grunted, continuing to walk, with his head down. "Just, before you leave, my liege, shall we find some way to restrain her?" Zuko ignored the question, and continued walking. Zuko now raised his head, and began looking around at the prison cells. Many cells were in deplorable condition and prisoners appeared to be worse. Try as he might to distract himself with the prison cell's condition, he kept thinking of Azula. Well, he thought, At least I know she has some shred of sanity now. Perhaps now I'll get some sleep. He came to the gates of the prison, nodded in thanks to the guards, and walked to his palace. He climbed a flight of stairs, and entered his bedroom. Smiling at the sight of his bed, he fell in and got the extra 3 hours of sleep he so sorely needed and desired. Chapter three comes soon. There are about 5 chapters, or posts before the war starts. Chapter 1, parts 1 and two, are complete. PREVIEW: Chapter 2: Kyoshi Island. Sokka, Ty Lee, Suki and Katara. Chapter 3: Fire Capital. Ty Lee and Azula. Chapter 4: Fire Captial, Zuko, advisors, Mai. Chapter 5: Earth Capital, Aang, Earth Kingdom nobles, Bumi. Chapter 6: War starts! Oh, whoops DX. OC's, Zuko, Aang. That's all for now.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 4, 2008 13:57:27 GMT -5
Now its time for Chapter Two! Yay for the number two! I feel like I'm on Sesame Street!
Sokka sat in a corner of the Kyoshi Warriors Dojo watching them train. After several minutes he stood up to speak. "Well, girls," he began "I noticed that you seem to be training pretty hard today, and I was wondering if you'd want to fight me," he said, and the Kyoshi Warriors broke out in laughter.
Suki was the first to speak saying "Again, Sokka? Don't you remember what happened last time you tried to fight us?" she smiled.
"Well, I've done some training under Piandao, and I think I've figured out a few things," he said, jokingly flexing his muscles.
"If you insist," Suki said, and she paused for a moment before lunging at Sokka. Sokka, though deftly stepped to the side, and put his leg behind Suki. He then put his arm across her, grabbing her across the shoulders, and fell, causing her to fall with him. He quickly put one knee to Suki's stomach, and raised his fist to behind his head.
"I win," he said, smiling.
"Not quite," Suki grunted, as she took hold of Sokka's other hand and pulled it across her, laying Sokka across her. She now pushed off on leg, and was able to get one leg over Sokka. She now hooked her feet together, and began squeezing Sokka's midsection. Sokka coughed, and struggled for several seconds before digging his elbow into the side of her leg. She retracted her legs for a moment and Sokka took the opportunity to stand up.
He now assumed to the standard fighting stance and waited for Suki to stand. As she reached her feet, Sokka attacked, unfortunately for him, Suki was able to block his first strike and knock him off balance. Suki now knocked him onto his face. She stood in front of him now, and as he got to his knees, stepped up, simulating a kick to his face and Sokka fell onto his face to avoid it. Suki now turned as Sokka stood up and threw a punch, which Suki again blocked, and using Sokka's own momentum, turned him around and forced him to the ground with his arm. She now bent his arm on his arm as a policeman would.
"Ow, ow, ow!" Sokka said loudly, "Okay, then, we'll call it a draw, how's that?" he joked.
"I win again," Suki said, releasing his arm, and allowing him to stand. They now bowed to each other, and Suki asked "Where did you learn all that?"
"Well, living with Piandao for 3 months sure hasn't hurt," Sokka replied, smiling. "Anybody else want a go?" he inquired, and Ty Lee stood up. "I will," she said, stepping before Sokka. They bowed, and stepped into the standard fighting stance. Ty Lee made the first move, jumping at Sokka, who stepped to the side. She whirled around, and attempted to hit him in the face, Sokka ducked, and hooked her legs and stepped forward, knocking her over, and quickly jumped atop her. He now simulated striking to her face, but she was able to his arm, immobilizing it. Ty Lee now grabbed at Sokka's wolf tail, using it as a lever. She forced Sokka down, and immobilized his other arm. Sokka jumped off her, and backed away. Ty Lee, sensing the opportunity, hopped up, and tried to strike Sokka, in a more traditional manner, as he had no means of blocking her. Sokka though, resourceful to the end, dove through a window.
Though he was now protected from Ty Lee's strikes for the moment, Sokka hadn't left himself a means of standing up until his arms could move again. He tried to stand himself up, but he was rather firmly stuck. Ty Lee now lept through the window, jumping right over Sokka, who now felt the mobility to his arms returning. Sokka stood up, and jumped back into the Dojo, followed by Ty Lee.
At this moment though, Suki stepped between them. "Okay, you two, that's enough for now," she said, and Sokka and Ty Lee bowed and walked backwards.
Chapter 2, part one is done. Oh, and, I did not mean anything happening in either fight in a slightly sexual context. That is all.
Chapter 2 part 2 coming soon to a website, specifically DH, near you soon.
That's all folks!
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 14, 2008 14:17:03 GMT -5
This has a poll now. Maybe now more people will respond. POLLS IS GOOD. THEREFORE YOU SHALL NOW REPLY.
Now the actual chapter.
The sun was beginning to set now on Kyoshi Island and Sokka found himself in Suki's house on Kyoshi Island. They sat next to each other against the wall, talking.
"You never did tell me how you wound up with Piandao for three months, Sokka," Suki said.
"Well, I lost my space sword fighting when the comet came, so I wanted to get another one. So, naturally I went back to Piandao. I asked him everything, and he said it seemed fair, since I'd lost it and it fell a thousand feet, so he let me back into his blacksmiths shop so I could make the new sword. It took me a couple days, and about then, he told me that I got the..."abridged" training. He said that the stuff I learned was only in the sword fighting business, but he still wanted to show me what I'd have to do if my sword got knocked out of my hands. He showed me what to do while standing, how to get in too close for the sword to hit me. He said that you should probably do something like this-" Sokka said, now standing and helping Suki up with his hand. "Now, you if you have your sword and I don't, what I'd want to is get far enough away that you can't hit me, or too close. Now, you have your sword in your hands, and I don't," Sokka began, and Suki nodded. "Now, you swing, and I either turn tail and run, or I do this-" Sokka said, as Suki swung her imaginary sword.
Sokka, without hesitating, moved quickly to Suki, in the manner that one would give a hug.
"Sokka, what are you-" Suki quickly yelled before Sokka cut her off.
"Look, you can't hit me now, try to stab me with the imaginary sword." Sokka said calmly, and Suki obliged, but, try as she might, she couldn't find a way to hit Sokka and do any damage. "Now all I have to do is put your arm in a headlock, or, armlock as it is, and pull back," Sokka explained and did so. "Now, your sword would be on the ground and we're even."
"Is that all he could teach you in three months?" Suki laughed.
"No," Sokka said, in a purposely over-serious manner. "Watch this," he said, lightening up. "If you're attacking me, and I parry it, then I do this-" Sokka said, now diving in, grabbing Suki, hooking her leg with his, and knocking her over, and he fell with her. "Now, I can get on top, and pound your face in or otherwise hurt you." Sokka said, smiling. "But there's one more thing to show you for now. If you're on top, than you can strangle me real easy." Sokka lay down and Suki got on top as Sokka said. "Now what you have to do," Sokka began, shifting slightly, "Is grab the inside of my collar, and punch the floor," he explained.
Suki took the opportunity to ask, "Punch the floor?"
"Just do it," Sokka said, and Suki did as he said, putting her hand inside his collar and punching the floor. "Now," Sokka said, "You bring your arm down across my neck." Suki did so, and Sokka, now choking, made a variety of inhuman noises. Suki broke the hold, and Sokka then said "That's it, now, put your arm inside my collar again," and Suki did so "Now I block it by putting my arm on the outside, then to the inside on your elbow, then I put it behind my ear. Now if you try to do it on the other side, I'll do the same thing. Now what you want to do, is turn me half-over, and with your other hand, take my collar, and pull it against my neck, while you do the first choke" Sokka continued, and Suki put her arm in the position required. Now what I have to do, is get my other arm through and grab my own collar and pull it off." Sokka said, as he did that. "The only problem is," he continued "That now my arms are as twisted as Azula's mind," he said. "now all you have to is put your knee on either one of my arms, and I'm completely helpless."
Suki did so, and then a smile began to cross her face. "You'll do what I want now, right, Sokka?" she laughed, and Sokka began to laugh too. "Come to the think of it Sokka, your wolf-tail could use a trimming," she joked, as she and Sokka now laughed.
"I hate you all!" Sokka shouted, while laughing. A
At that point, Suki stood up. Sokka untangled his arms, and accepted Suki's hand. The two hugged, and Sokka left, still chuckling.
And that's all for now. WITH POLLS.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 14, 2008 18:49:09 GMT -5
Hmmm.... I'm intrigued by the story, although a Second War scenario is always a bit cliche. I've seen it written, but I never liked the concept of a Second War. It just seems too unrealistic, considering that the world is completely destroyed. I was wondering if a real WAR was the point that you're going for, because if it is, then keep the title. But a war is a conflict on a large scale. Perhaps you're going for the smaller scale type of conflict. But it IS your story. So, let's see if you can pull of a Second War. ^_^ It's going to be a WAR. I highly doubt that the Earth Kingdom government will just put this behind them. Europe couldn't stop avenging 6 month war, I'd sure as he ll want to avenge one like this. But, thanks. Are the first chapters good though?
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 19, 2008 20:22:57 GMT -5
-_- Okay, who put worst literary work ever bar none? At least tell me if that's what you picked, unless you're just being a wise-donkey
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 20, 2008 9:45:08 GMT -5
-_- Okay, who put worst literary work ever bar none? At least tell me if that's what you picked, unless you're just being a wise-donkey Yeah... There are idiots like that all the time. I think you call them trolls. =P Anyway, don't worry. If you put up a poll about how good your work is, you're always going to get some smart-alecks who think they can go around insulting other people's work when they can't do anything themselves. Your story is fine. Thanks, on another forum I'm on, we call them "one star ninjas".
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 25, 2008 20:40:11 GMT -5
I'm back in black with a shiny new chapter for all three of you. Azula sat quietly in the corner of her cell, half-asleep, remembering better days. Days from before Mai and Ty Lee turned on her, and she, the rightful heir, was forsaken. There was one occurrence that stuck in her mind now. It was 6 months ago now, back when she and her then-friends were prowling the Earth Kingdom looking for her brother, the traitor, who now took her rightful place as Fire Lord. She remembered Ty Lee, Mai and her standing outside her traitor-hunting contraption that they traveled in. She was distracted by one of her many servants who was standing there, and some second-rate Earth Kingdom soldier took the opportunity to sneak up behind her. For whatever reason, the peasant fool found the wisest course of action to be an attack on the servant standing there. He was, in no great display of skill able to dispatch the servant. From there, he further displayed his lack of intelligence by shouting to his squad mates to come up now, and, in an apparent attempt to make this as basic an exercise as he jumped to the front of them. Azula, remembering the moment, couldn't help but smile at the fool that stood in front of her that day. His squad mates then hurried up, and Azula remembered reading their faces quite well. The other two looked quite unsure of the situation, one going so far as to look as though he was about to run that moment. They did their best to hide it, but it was to little avail. She then lit a flame behind her head then, she remembered, and the soldier's nerve snapped. She smiled too, remembering the moment. He fell in front of her, pathetically groveling for mercy. Another ran with no hesitation at all, and the third looked downright perplexed at the situation. Ty Lee then jumped in front of the one who had ran, which Azula had been expecting the whole time. He stood there and attempted to turn back to Azula and Mai again, but Ty Lee again jumped in front of him. Azula remembered smirking then, and lightly kicking the soldier in front of her, and placed her foot on his chest, and still held the fire in her hand. The soldier's nerve then broke further, as he began making further pleas, and professing her superiority over him. Pathetic, truly pathetic, Azula thought now, still smirking at the three soldiers. Sorry it's kind of short, I'll finish the chapter soon.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Aug 31, 2008 21:10:41 GMT -5
You don't know how many times I've opened this window without typing anything. Oh, and, someone tell me what to call Azula, Mai and Ty Lee's train thingy? Here we go:
Azula now remembered hauling the three captives into the train. None of them had any use of their arms, as Ty Lee had blocked their chi flow, and Azula had tied their hands together behind their backs for good measure. She remembered dragging them into a small room and throwing them to the floor. After several minutes Azula realized she had omitted to interrogate her new captives. A rare oversight, Azula noted. She brought the first one, the one who stood there as the other two panicked into the room. She threw him onto the ground now, and untied his hands. He began to stand up, and Azula left the room.
She then walked to where Mai and Ty Lee stood. She took Ty Lee a foot or two from Mai and instructed her to be nice to the prisoner, and tell him that she (Azula) would hurt him if he didn't tell her what he wanted, and last that she (Azula) would go in first. With that, Azula turned and walked into the room where the prisoner was.
"What do you want?" he said, attempting to hide his fear with a veneer of courage, which Azula, of course, saw through.
"Tell me anything you know about the Earth Kingdom and the Avatar," Azula said bluntly, staring at him.
"Well, uh, I don't know anything about the Avatar or the Earth Kingdom," the soldier said.
"The Earth Kingdom part sounds rather unlikely," Azula said, standing him up. "And you'd better tell me about it soon, or you'll regret it," Azula said, pressing him against the wall, before calmly turning and leaving.
The soldier now slumped down in the corner, decidedly confused as Azula left. She exited the door, and nodded to Ty Lee, who now entered the room. The soldier sitting in the corner now seemed thoroughly confused as Ty Lee hopped in front of him. He stared at her, attempting to figure out what on Earth was going on.
"Hi," Ty Lee said, as the soldier continued to stare at her.
"Uh...hi?" the soldier said hesitantly. "Why are you here now..and..what happened to the other girl?"
"Well," Ty Lee began, "Azula sent me in here after her to see if I could get any more information."
"Azula...that's the other girl's name, right?" the soldier asked, and Ty Lee nodded.
"Well, let's start this easy," Ty Lee said, as the soldier nodded slowly. "What's your name?"
"D-Dinh," the soldier replied slowly.
"Good, and why were you here?" she asked.
"We got lost on patrol and Nguyen-the sergeant was looking for a fight. It kind of backfired, obviously," the soldier said laughing nervously. That's it? he thought, I could've just told what's her name, Azula, that. he thought, sighing in relief as Ty Lee bounded out of the room. To his disappointment, Azula re-entered. She grabbed him and stood him up. Oh, no Dinh thought.
"Ty Lee tells me your name is Dinh," Azula began as Dinh nodded rapidly. "Well, Dinh, you seem perfectly able to tell Ty Lee what she wants to hear, so why not me?" Azula asked in a mock-pleasant tone. "Is it that unreasonable too ask for troop movements? Really?"
Dinh now bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying anything that would result in his injury. Unfortunately, it backfired. Azula slammed him against the wall, saying "Why no answer, Dinh? Don't tell me you're afraid of me." She now took him and chucked him against the other side of the train and he fell to the floor. "Because that would be far too typical," she said, leaving the room.
Dinh's eyes were barely open now, as Ty Lee walked in. She stood him up, and he grimaced in pain.
"Are you all right?" she asked.
"Not exactly," Dinh said slowly.
"Well, look, Dinh. Azula's my friend, but she's just a little aggressive, especially if she doesn't get what she wants," Ty Lee said, as Dinh though Tell me about it, "So, it would probably best if you just told her what she wants to know," she finished and lept now to the door, and exited.
To Dinh's despair, Azula entered now. She wasted no time in knocking him down, and then stood him up.
"Ty Lee told you to tell me what I want to hear didn't she? Well get to it," Azula coldly said. Dinh, in a moment of courage or idiocy, didn't respond. Azula now lifted him by the throat, throttling him. After several seconds of Dinh's kicking and inhuman noises Azula dropped him to the floor, and Dinh began to cough rather fiercely. Azula took the opportunity to kick him in the ribs, and abruptly exited.
Dinh now lay on the floor, perfectly miserable. He could barely breathe, may well have a pair of broken ribs, and lost all of his courage and most of his dignity. Ty Lee entered, and by the time she was near him he had already begun speaking about as rapidly as possible about the Kyoshi Warriors, the Earth Kingdom, his army unit, his headgear maker, and preferred hairstyles at age 15. Ty Lee stood there, confused for several seconds before asking him to repeat himself more slowly. He did, leaving out the information about his headgear manufacturer and hairstyles, and Ty Lee jumped to the door, and left, and Dinh finally breathed a sigh of relief as Azula didn't enter, and he crawled back to his quarters. That was quite fun Azula now thought, laughing quietly to herself.
GOD THIS WAS LONG. At least for one of my chapters anyway. Part three of this coming tomorrow, then onto Chapter 4, then 5 then 6, then 7, etc. etc.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Sept 15, 2008 16:39:23 GMT -5
Guys, this is just the author making a humble request, but if you vote in the poll, please post. Please?
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manzai
Toph
Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Fire tonight!
Posts: 152
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Post by manzai on Oct 23, 2008 13:14:25 GMT -5
OKay, i read it an voted "good." I can tell you put effort into it and take it seriously and everything. Characters seem IC. The places where the story is lacking are stylistic deficiencies, I would say, rather than basic problems with craft or English grammar. Really, it is better than the majority of Avatar fanfics, at least that i've seen.
But here's my negative criticism: as competent of a writer as you are, i don't see anything amazing here yet. Like zerg said, a lot of people write new war/series continuation stories, so you really want to make sure yours stands out. Although i sense things may get rolling now, and that Azula's interrogation of Dinh may have some significance, the plot is somewhat vague at this point. I wouldn't leave the readers waiting for the eponymous second war, or at least I'd make (more) obvious the sequence of events that are going to lead to it. The story also had a pretty slow pace until the interrogation, and even that is a flashback, so it might benefit from more action.
Still, it has potential and i can tell you still may pull out some amazingly creative or well-done stuff, but the sooner you get to the good stuff the more it's going to hook-in the readers.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Oct 24, 2008 18:10:25 GMT -5
OKay, i read it an voted "good." I can tell you put effort into it and take it seriously and everything. Characters seem IC. The places where the story is lacking are stylistic deficiencies, I would say, rather than basic problems with craft or English grammar. Really, it is better than the majority of Avatar fanfics, at least that i've seen. But here's my negative criticism: as competent of a writer as you are, i don't see anything amazing here yet. Like zerg said, a lot of people write new war/series continuation stories, so you really want to make sure yours stands out. Although i sense things may get rolling now, and that Azula's interrogation of Dinh may have some significance, the plot is somewhat vague at this point. I wouldn't leave the readers waiting for the eponymous second war, or at least I'd make (more) obvious the sequence of events that are going to lead to it. The story also had a pretty slow pace until the interrogation, and even that is a flashback, so it might benefit from more action. Still, it has potential and i can tell you still may pull out some amazingly creative or well-done stuff, but the sooner you get to the good stuff the more it's going to hook-in the readers. Cool. I'm getting to the second war in...two chapters maybe? Let me think...the rest of this one, found here, the meeting...the war starts. Azula's mind briefly remembered interrogating the soldier who ran, who collapsed in fear after all of one minute, before remembering the interrogation of the cowardly one. She remembered this one vividly, even more vividly than the drawn out interrogation of Dinh. She'd brought in a small tub of water, and dragged this final one in by his shirt. She took him to the tub, grabbed him by the seat of his pants, pushed on the back of his neck, and submerged his head in the water. He kicked his legs, and tried to thrash about, but his mobility was severely limited by the ropes around his arms. After several seconds, Azula pulled him and stared at him. His eyes were wide open, and an absolutely petrified look was on his face. "Let's start this simply," she said, voice chillingly calm. "What's your name?" "Suvangi," the man said, his voice quivering. "Good, good," Azula said, careful to show no emotion. "There are a few other things, of course, that I need to know." "W-what?" Suvangi asked. Yeah, sorry it's cut off.
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historyman12
Fugitive Iroh
IS IT JULY 14TH YET?
Posts: 4,822
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Post by historyman12 on Nov 8, 2008 12:21:23 GMT -5
"You know, military information, troop movements, the location of anyone important, like the Avatar," Azula said, voice calm
"I-I can't tell you that," Suvangi said.
"Oh, really?" Azula asked. "Why not?" Her voice now grew angry as she grabbed Suvangi by the shirt and submerged his head. He again kicked his legs, desperately and futilely trying to raise his head. Azula was slowly counting up, and as she neared thirty seconds, she pulled him up.
Suvangi fell to the floor. His hair was now matted down and soaked. Sweat mixed with water on his face, his mouth fell agape and his eyes were wide open. Azula kept her hold on his shirt and said "Care to tell me now?" she asked.
"I-I-can't." Suvangi stammered.
"You can't?" Azula asked. "Well, perhaps this will change that." In one fluid movement, Azula lifted him to his feet, turned him to the wall, and forcefully threw him into it. Suvangi struggled to stand up without his arms, clearly in pain. Azula walked slowly over to him, leaned over him, and said "Are you ready to tell me now?" Suvangi made no response, but continued to kick about, leaning against the wall for support, and invariably falling before he got halfway to his feet. Azula, believing this to be some form of slight, dragged him back to the water and plunged him in yet again.
Azula counted again, going slowly higher this time. She then slowly took him from the water. Before she had a chance to say anything Suvangi began. "Okay, please, I'll tell you whatever you want, just, please, stop."
"Fine. I already told you what I needed."
"Well, I, uh, I don't really, remember what you needed..." Suvangi said, voice quiet and nervous.
"I just need some simple things, like troop movements, why you were here, anyone important that you know of?"
"Well, uh, my unit, my brigade, my whole division, actually, was moving up toward Ba Sing Se. And there were also these reports that the Avatar was around there, and somebody else, but I don't remember who, he had some scar or other they said, and was some vigilante and then there was something about Ba Sing Se. But that's all."
"Why were you near us?"
"We were just out on patrol, and just, bumped into you."
"That's good." she paused, remembering that he was the cowardly one. "There is one more thing I need from you."
"Wha-?" Suvangi began, before he was cut off as Azula again submerged him.
"Admit I'm superior to you." Azula said, as Suvangi was still underwater. She now pulled him out again. "Admit it."
"Admit what?"
"Admit I'm superior to you." Azula said, as she put him back into the water, deriving great pleasure from this. She pulled him out yet again.
"Okay! I'll admit it! You're superior to me! Please! Just let me alone!"
"Good." Azula said, turning now, and leaving Suvangi on the floor.
Note to all nerds: Suvangi is "ignavus" cowardly man/boy in Latin backwards.
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