my first OC fanfic

[Time Bandit]

I'm trying to use different types of fanfic and this time I'm doing an OC. It is from my OC's p.o.v (point of view). I'm not starting it yet but this is the intro.

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It all started when I joined prince Zuko's crew. I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself, I'm Ty the biggest traitor in water bending history.Yes thank you Thank you. I was 17 at the time and had become a master of water bending, with days of non - stop training. I had been excepted to be a guard for the north pole. I soon had gotten bored of the non-stop patrolling and the bleak water tribe life style. I craved more action and excitement. I wanted to join the fire nation. So I dissuaded to join fire nation outcasts like prince Zuko. So as promised here is my story.
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how do you like it so far ladies and jellyspoons (joke lol) ladies and gentlemen..... post what you think.

[lexlex]

wheres the story?

[Horyo]

You need more detail, and information. Like the above said I await for your story....

[Time Bandit]

my story hasn't started yet its the prolouge but the story is coming soon.
I'ts my OC telling you wat happend befor the story or you wouldn't understand the story.

So Ye must be patiant. lol

How do u like it so far........

[lexlex]

it sounds like it will be good

[Time Bandit]

ty (thank you!!) yay!! it's gunna be good.

[Time Bandit]

Here it is!!!!
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I stormed into the small ice hut which was used as a storage hut for old maps and items used for traveling. It was a cold day in the north pole and a blizzard was stirring.
I snatched up a few old maps and all of the things I needed, I could catch my own food and I was sure there would be a market stall somewhere.
Every one was staring at me as I walked toward my huge water tribe ship I had bought many years be for my biggest journey I was ever going to face.
As I boarded my boat, I took one last look at my home, my family and friends and set off.
"I'm going to join the fire nation and none of you are going to stop me!" I shouted back to my former home.

;D how do u like it u guys

[Time Bandit]

Here is the rest of the story (not all of it of course)
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It had seemed like I had been sailing for days, I was running out of supplies and I was feeling so depressed it was unbeliveable. I dicided there was no other option but to put myself out of my misery.
I cut up some fish I had caught so that te blood was seeping out of the wounds and threw them over board, grey reef sharks begun to swarm and form a feeding frendzy. Thrashing and bitting in the water trying their best to get to the scraps of meat.
I trugged to the side of the boat and preppered to jump overboard.
"Don't worry Ty the sharks will tear you to shreds be for you feel the cold or the pain" I thought to my self.
I was about to jump but then the small but powerful sharks swam away into the deep in fear and I heared something, a load noise like a huge humming bird getting loader and loader.
I spun around on my heels and saw a huge ship comeing up from the starboard side, a huge grey ship with a fire nation sigh on it.
"I found it, I found it!!!" I yelled I used my water bending to get up to the top deck and ran off looking for the captian of the ship.
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How do you like it so far guys! ;D (again)

[Time Bandit]

I ran through the ship in search of its captain. I looked all around the ship and found no one, the ship was moving forward at at least 4 knots. But how could it be driving itself?, I realised that this was not a water tribe ship like the one I had tied to the ship so I looked further into the ship and found a small ladder that lead upwards. I heard people talking above me, strong load voises. I climed the ladder with coution and slowly poked my head through the hacth that lead to the helmsmen's post a.k.a the place where they drove the gigantic boat.
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[Time Bandit]

Here's more! by the way MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!in 5 days that is! lol
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The helmsman's post was a big room, dark as well. There was a tall boy about 16 looking, he was wearing fire nation Armour but not the fire nations traditional hair-style. He also had a large scar stretching from his left eye to his left ear, he was also driving the war ship. The other was an old man with long sideburns and a sturdy grin. He was drinking a cup of jasmine tea. I bravely stepped up the rest of the ladder, the teenager couldn't turn around to fight me as he didn't want to crash the ship into an iceberg. But the old man stood up, his grin had disappeared.
" Don't worry you two I may be a water bender but I only want to join you" I stammered and walked forward cautiously.

[Atmos]

Heheh, I definitely like the idea of taking the point of view of a waterbender going traitor for the fire nation, not something you'd expect. This could be a very interesting story. (In my fanfic, one of the main characters is a rebellous airbender).

Anyway, I think in your segements, you have plenty of room to add some more description. The details of the physical surroundings and background is different. But I'm not really feeling any emotion from Ty; your not describing how he's feelings or thinking at the moments.

For instance, when he departed from his homeland, was there any feelings of regret? Was he really confident in his decision? Why did he even decide to join the fire nation? (You don't have to spill out all of the reasonings, you could actually give hints little by little to give a bit of suspense.

Though I find it a little hard to swallow that he would so easily leave the water tribe and casually announce his what-would-be devious objectives AND actually leave in one piece. And I would think there would be a bit more consequences to suffer by just barging into Zuko's ship.

Bascially what I'm trying to say, give more description (emotion-wise especially).

Look forward to more. Good luck.

Oh an also, if you want to prevent any spelling errors, may I suggest typing the segments on a word processor, like Microsoft Word. That way the program can catch little spelling mistakes here and there. And then copy it into the thread.

[Time Bandit]

Thanks, I do find it hard to notice those kind of things in my writing, i'll try to make it more discriptive of Ty's feelings. + im just about to read your fanfic, lookin forward to it. seeya.

[Time Bandit]

Here's the rest still not all of it though.
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The teenager pushed a button on the control panel and stepped away from it. " Get off my ship now pesant!" he shouted.
" whoa, whoa, calm down master." I said ofended by his reaction. This comment only made him get more furious.
" Now!" He yelled sending a spray of fire over my head.
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I would continue but my mum's making me get off the computer
so I have to continue later by.