Book 4:AIR Chapter1:The Great Spirits

[airbender01]

Who else likes it?

[Funk Oni]

As I see it, there are only a couple of things to be criticized here.

(1) The format is a bit hard to follow. Just out of curiosity, did you go back over the fanfiction once you had written it?

(2) There's some tense confusion. A story should follow the past or present tense, doing both tends to result in confusion.

(3) Just for the sake of your reader, you should always space the story using the enter key. It makes it easier to work through.

(4) Always try to be open to criticism, it's what helps us as writers.

[airbender01]

I'm working on Chapter two now. It has Zuko,Jin,Aang Katara,Sokka,Appa and the return of Washi(Eagla's new name). There's a surprise in store for everyone. I have a story to tell how Washi can turn into an eagle if only the spirits can do that.

[Funk Oni]

Hey Airbender. As you requested, I've looked back over your fanfiction and I'll give some notes in addition to the ones I made earlier.

(1) You're confusing tenses. You have to decide and establish how your story will be narrated. If it's meant to be described in the past tense, the entire story should follow that. If present, it should follow that. Dabbling between the two will only confuse readers.

(2) You need to review how the characters in the show act. There were several instances of the cast acting out of character.

(3) Too much in too short a timeframe. Things in Avatar and in life happen subtley, not all at once. You're jamming a lot of stuff into each chapter. Extend the events, let them be gradual and slow.

(4) You should use the enter key to space the dialogue and the paragraphs. If you don't, it makes it really hard for the reader to look through and enjoy.

(5) You should also review the structuring of paragraphs. You have some things grouped together that belong in seperate paragraphs.

(6) Pay attention to the canon universe. There are bears in Avatar. But they're so rare and unique that the Gaang marvels upon learning about one in Ba Sing Se. Animals are typically hybrids of two existing animals.

(7) Always double check and read over what you've written. There are multiple sections in here that make no sense to the reader.

(8) You can't post something here and then get defensive when it's criticized. You have to learn to improve from the notes others make, not make excuses. That's the best way to grow as a writer.

(9) Pay attention to your feedback. You suggested I look over your fanfiction and give my thoughts. The fact is, I did that a few weeks ago. It's two posts up from this one.


Hope these notes help, Airbender01. Please accept them not as negative, but as tips to help you improve.

[airbender01]

Well, this is my first Avatar story. I'll do my best with the next chapter. There was an another "normal" bear in "Bato of the Water Tribe". On the floor is the skin of a bear. Just look at the face. Writing this kind of stuff is like a pianting, you never know what you've got until you're doing it. The name I found IS an Inuit -based. The criticism is something I'm not familiar with....yet. Do you think tranforming Zuko into a bear was a reasonable thing to do since he needed find himself? To me, the wolves represent Iroh since wolves are a symbol of wisdom which he has.

[Funk Oni]

I'm afraid I have to disagree entirely. There are many approaches to introducing character development to Zuko that all fall within the realm of canon possibilities. Changing someone into an entirely different creature or transforming them doesn't.

I do wish you luck in the future, though!

[airbender01]

Well, it was temporary.(The transformation) How do you like the name I found for the tribe? You know, it's very rare but the northern lights can be seen somewhere other than the North and South pole. Overall, how do you suggest I make the next chapter better? All I can say is Zuko has something important to tell Jin(Brother Bear style).

[writer]

Accually the Wolf in First Nation totemism is the symbol for the Teacher. Which will still fit Iroh weirdly enough

[airbender01]

Yeah,isn't that something. I can say that the tribe came form the North pole but they aren't benders.

[Funk Oni]

I already made note of my opinion on the name selected and of the idea of another tribe itself.

Also, I think any transformation breaches canon excessively.

It's like I said ina previous post, Airbender. You really need to pay attention to what people are saying.

[airbender01]

Sorry,please check your guide if possible. I have a question for my story that NEEDS to be answered.

[NineTailedFox, Sarah Collins]

She actually got IDEAS from Brother Bear, not ripping off from it. I'm gonna be making a fanfic of Naruto, and try with Avatar sometime. BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!*steals ramen*

[writer]

Ideas is the same a ripping them off, it you read what "she" wrote. I draw inspiration from The Screwtape Letters when I wrote my orginal fiction Archangel Crux, And Brothers of the Typhoon was roughly drawn from Grave of the Fireflies. But they are nothing alike.

[airbender01]

Whatever, no matter what people tell me,I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY STORIES!!!! But you have your own opinion, I respect that.

[NineTailedFox, Sarah Collins]

*snorts* Well then, it's still a good story, and something like that could happen to Zuko from all that anger he sets off... I can't wait till I get my Avatar story inspired by last night's dream. oh yeah, airbender01, it wasn't the Avatar from the Fire Nation, it was Zuko's mother I saw in the dream.