bickazer
Zuko
Space, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise...
Posts: 111
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Post by bickazer on May 6, 2006 11:46:12 GMT -5
Did a believe in Heaven exist back then? Remember this was before Xtianity.
However I think they *did* have a belief in some afterlife (if we're talking Buddhism), so I suppose you're good. I don't know much about Buddhism except that they're vegetarians.
@gotterdammerung: I suppose you're a perfectionist-type while I'm a slacker-type. Normally I would say, "I hate perfectionists!" but oh well we'll just agree to disagree. I see no point in expending extra effort on something that doesn't need to be particularly polished. I don't strive to be better than the best--I strive to be good, okay, but I know my limits and I won't walk outside them (I tried to, once, and what I wrote was utter crap). Fanfiction for me means writing silly fangirl slash. Yes I'm an unpatriotic, atheist, cowardly friendless slacker who often omits commas for some reason or another. Oh well, this way it means I have a lesser chance of being killed eh?
Still I think anyone can write better than Chris Paolini. If you're a published author and your writing is worse than his, shame on you. Even my baby brother writes better than Paolini, and that's saying a lot since he's THREE.
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Post by almighty on May 7, 2006 0:58:07 GMT -5
I'm wondering if my fanfic or characters are mary sue's or gary stu's. Name Ruka Nation: Northern water tribe bender: yes bends: water description Ruka was courting a female airbender named Mike (pronounced Meeka). She was killed by the fire nations attack. Ruka becomes a mercenary and throughout the books is trying to find peace within himself. He also wants to find an airbender named Chiko (give credit to Bard Child for that she made him up and is allowing me to use him. He is 19 Name:Nizumi nation: unknown bender: no description Nizumi never really liked anybody except her surrogat daughter named Tori. She is a thief and only has one eye. She is always flirting with Ruka and trying to get him into bed. She also is obsessed with shiny objects Ruka: name: Pretty good, although I was confused if the OC is a girl/boy at first, but his gender was mentioned later on. However, his name matches with yours and that is generally the first sign of sue/stus. Bender/origin: Okay, Northern male waterbender in the north pole. Pretty logical so far. History: He was courting a female airbender??? When is this taking place? Is this during Aang's time 100 years ago or the present. If it's in the past, I still don't think that their relationship is logical. How is he going to actually see her?? She's most likely in an airbending temple (from what I've seen, eastern and western temples are most likely for girls). Is he going to crawl up a mountain to see her? If she is living in the northern water tribe, I still don't think that'll be logical. From what we've seen in the avatar verse, people normally stay within their own nation. However, if this is in the past, one could say that Aang seems to have so many friends from different nations (although I think he's the one that's visiting his friends). Perhaps his character would've been more believable if he was an airbender?? (I'm not telling you to change it. I'm just throwing out ideas) If he existed in the present, there aren't even suppose to be any airbenders alive (excluding Aang) and the Northern water tribe pretty much isolated themselves for so long... so I don't really see how that is happening. He becomes a mercenary and tries to find peace within himself. Erm... well there are pirates and mercenaries are seen in practically every game and some tv shows. I'm not sure about the Avatarverse though. I'll let you slide on that one. Finding peace within himself is good, but I hope that the job he takes as a mercenary doesn't contradict his morals. Then, his character would just seem hypocritical. Perhaps some of the jobs he takes are like errands?? He wants to find an airbender named Chiko? Why? Does Chiko have any ties to Mike?? I really don't understand the significance of this unless there's a reason why he wants to find Chiko. Nizumi: Name: I guess it's okay. It sounds like an Asian name. bender/origin: Non-bender... but doesn't know where she's from?? Surely, she has to know where she originated from unless there's a stroy behind it. However, there doesn't seem to be any story that was specified. From what I've seen in Avatar, people normally wear a shade of the color symbolizing the nation they are from. I mean.... all she has to do is look at the color clothes she's wearing. XD History: She has a daughter? An age specification would be nice. She's a theif... okay.... can you elaborate? Maybe she's really poor and the only way is to steal.... Okay... moving on. One eye? That's pretty cool and different although I would like to know how though. Without any detail, the character is completely flat and a bit boring. It seems like she is also stalking Ruka. Ooooookay.... I really don't understand why. Did he save her life before? Did she see him and said "wow"? I don't understand why she would be stalking him and teasing him because there is no reason. Again, without detail, I cannot really give an accurate review because I have no idea what's going on. ------------------- Overall: Hmm... I would have to say borderline sueish. This is mainly because there is a lack of detail and character. The OCs seem pretty flat and overused (i.e. mercenaries, theives, atonement, etc). It seems like I've seen these characters before and the characters seem to lack originality.
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Gotterdammerung
Casual Zuko
sorry. i'm fresh out of the ability to care.
Posts: 969
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Post by Gotterdammerung on May 7, 2006 11:02:38 GMT -5
bickazerIt's funny that you'd call me a perfectionist because I'm really lazy and also a procrastinator. When I was younger I was a full-on perfectionist to the extent that, say, in school, I'd be ticked if I got lower than a 98% on something. But I am self-aware enough to recognize that that's a little crazy and I stopped being that hard on myself when I got bored with school, which, imo, was all for the better. I suppose at this juncture when something's important to me, like writing is, I become a perfectionist with regard to it, but, in general, not really. (An ongoing joke between myself and some of my friends is our desire for Lazy Genius University.) I do like challenging myself and don't see anything wrong with striving to be the best I can possibly be. It doesn't mean that I consider myself a failure if I don't acheive best of the best status. Ultimately, to me, it's all about effort. And I mean if something's not important to you, I'm certainly not the one to say put in your greatest effort anyway. I guess it's just that I don't compartmentalize writing at all with regard to how I go about writing it. I don't say, "This is just for fun," and so write it in Way X or "This is serious bizness," and write it in Way Y. I just...write. But I understand if you approach it differently. Whatever works for you. Also, I'm an apolitical, agnostic slacker who uses commas on an aural basis. So you're in good company. If you're just about anyone and your writing is worse than his shame on you. RukaI second Almighty's questions and concerns (though I guess the airbender Ruka was courting could have visited the North Pole where he met her?) I'd strongly suggest changing Mike's name. Because you might want it pronounced as Meeka but everyone who sees it is going to think Mike as in Michael.
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Post by concreteangel on May 7, 2006 11:15:39 GMT -5
Here's mine!!!!
name: Kagome age: 9 nations: water/fire (no, it's not Zutara, bear with me here) parents: unknown. Her adoptive parents are Zuko and his wife bender: yep (water) eyes: blue hair: brown wears: red dresses and stuff, it's all firenation clothes height: 4'6 weapon: none skill level: not really high, she's only 9 random stuff: She gets REALLY mad when she hears anything bad about Zuko. She's not a really good bender, though, Aang, Katara, and their son (I'll do a thing like this about him next) Shiro help her. Kagome desperately wants to know about her past and real parents, but, being only 9, her parents hardly let her go to the Northern Water Tribe (where Aang and Katara live now) to learn her bending. She has a crush on Shiro and prefers it if he teaches her to bend.
name: Shiro age: 12 nations: water/air parents: Aang and Katara bender: yep! (air and water) eyes: grey-ish hair: light brown, wears it short wears: water tribe clothes like Sokka height: 4'10 weapon: none skill level: since he is the Avatar's son, it's pretty high, he just doesn't WANT to learn it as much as he should random stuff: Hates being a celebrity, being the Avatar's son is not what you'd call normal. Has nothing against his parents, but HATES that his dad is the Avatar. He wants to travel the world and visit his Uncle Sokka (he does in Kagome's sequel), but mostly travel/save the world. Sees Kagome as his ticket out, hoping that maybe (due to her crush on him) will take him along on the Fire Navy ship she lives on. He and Kagome are really good friends after a little while, mainly due to him trying to use her. Eventually, however, he starts to like her (not the same way she likes him).
So, MS and GS or no?
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bickazer
Zuko
Space, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise...
Posts: 111
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Post by bickazer on May 7, 2006 13:14:49 GMT -5
I didn't want to say that because of all the chatspeak-script format Mary Sue fanfics I see on ff.net, so it's theoretically possible to write worse than Chris Paolini. I don't hang arond ff.net that much (shame on me, I ought to update my fanfic but I have writers' block...), but on the 4Kids forum I mostly hang around, there are a TON of terrible, chatspeaked, script format "fanfics". So yes it's possible to write worse than Chris Paolini. Ruka: Your OC doesn't seem like a Stu (has the same name as a character I want to use for an original project of mine, but that's okay), though I also wonder how he knows an airbender. Nizumi sounds interesting, but a little stereotypical thief (beware of the "shiny objects" thing!) And...how is her nation unknown? I don't understand that either. The people from the nations are all very culturally and physically different from each other, so she *should* be able to at least guess at her country of origin.
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Post by Aura of Cruxis on May 7, 2006 14:34:15 GMT -5
...Okay...All my eight...
-Hirashi Ayato (Written traditional Japanese style; surname first) -Artist type: Firebender; Sword Wielder -Birth: 19/14/3309 in the Shiwaran Calendar; in a Fire Nation ship in Lao'Sai (for simplicity, he's 19) -Personality: A true perverted idiot. He never takes the time to thinks things out and acts only upon impulse and thinks only by instinct. -History: Ayato is a thief who usually does anything to get his own way. After being separated from his parents when the world of Shiware split in two, he searches a way to reunite the separated..."Worlds" (I suppose you could call the separated world of Shiware) now known as Lao'Sai and Beilon. He is considered an outcast by his own village in which he now lives and everyone refuses to talk or even to think about him.
-Sumeregawa Rikuya -Artist Type: Waterbender; Aqua Mage -Age: 16/19/3305 in the Shiwaran calendar; in Water Tribe area in Lao'Sai (She's 15) -Personality: Bubbly and considerate. She is willing to listen to any one and will sufffer for him as long as he gets his desires. Altough this may seem good, she hates to worry anyone and will smile on the outside, but will cry in the inside. -History: She is a girl who was swept away to sea once a tsunami swept her out to shore. She managed to surive, but was washed several hundred miles away from her parents and lost her memory. As she [later] joins Ayato, they come to places where Rikuya's memory is slowly triggered.
-Ryhyu Tsukasa -Artist Type: Earthbender; Sage of Earth -Age: 15/17/3307; Earth Kingdom in Lao'Sai (He's 17) -Personality: A very awkward teenager, I must admit. He speaks in many puns and never ceases to joke around. -History: His father is a general in the Earth Kingdom army, due to this, Tsukasa is treated as a mere flunkie or a soldier. Tsukasa ran away to live on his own and to escape his evil father. He then later learns that his father is working for an organization. (I'm cutting these extremly shorrt for the sake of time)
-Ryhou Sakura (Heh,heh...Sorry...Name mix-up) -Artist Type: Woodbender; Archer -Birth: 12/17/3307; Earth Kingdom in Lao'Sai (17 years old) -Personality: A tomboy, though she often acts more feminine when often called "A male in a girl's body" -History: Separated from birth from her twin brother Tsukasa and her father when Shiware separated, she sought to find them. Learning how to come to Lao'Sai, she came to it...but unfortunatly, cannot find a way back. When she finds her brother, she finds comfort in him but later finds that she needs to go back to Beilon.
-Takahashi Yoritomo -Artist Type: Sparkbender; Ranger (Uses guns) -Birth: 13/29/3281; Sovereign Spark State in Beilon (28 years old) -Personality: Because of the loss of his family, he refuses to be harsh as he once was. He often tries to be the fun, outgoing man (it only seems like that in his eyes, really...He's a total dork) , but in reality, he is this depressed man...He's kinda like Rikuya in that he tries to hide his pain in order to fulfill the wishes and intentions of another. -History: As I stated berfore, he lost his family. but it was during the separation of Shiware (big catastrophe...Not gonna go into it unless you REALLY want a REALLY long post...And this post is long as it is...).
-Fujiwara Megumi -Artist Type: Airbender; Songstress -Birth: 17/8/3287; Air Nomadic caravan in Beilon (22 years) -Personality: She's a calm person at all times. Even when she shows strong emotion , it's in a calm voice...Very awkward for anyone... -History: Megumi is the keeper of the Steeple of the Bells of Light. Since she was six, they (I don't know who "they" are at the moment...Still thinking of a name...) have been teaching her to sing the Holy Hymn, the Judgment Song, and the Apocalypse Malody. With these, she has warded off monsters until she joins Ayato. Clueless to the outside world and all of its fads, she often finds Ayato humorous with his "outside ways" and is almost completely clueless to new technology, often walking around with buckets on her head as a hat.
-Kigara Zamato (My favorite original character!!!) -Artist Type: Twilightbender; Summoner -Birth: 9/36/3313; birthplace unknown (15 years old) -Personality: He's a sarcastic teenager and intimidates people often, but he's good in heart. He doesn't really talk unless he has a insult or a rude remark... -History: Trained be assassins of the Twilight Realm, he fights with paper/scrolls infused with magical charms. He made his first contract with the Ocean Spirit Oasis at the age of nine and continues to search for more Spirit. When sent on a journey to kill the prophesized "Saviors of Shiware" he goes on a journey to kill Ayato. Later, when realizing he and his sister cannot defeat Ayato's party, he decides to join them. (Blah, blah, blah...Let's skip to the most heroic shall we?)
-Kigara Kaorin (Most heroic person in my OS!) -Birth: 6/11/3315; birthplace unknown (13 years old) -Artist Type: Celestebender; Healer -Personality: She's a moody character and never seems to be the same as she was yesterday. -History: She was taught Healing Power by monks at the Tower of Skiard. (The rest of her history is almost identical to Zamato's, so I won't bother...)
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bickazer
Zuko
Space, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise...
Posts: 111
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Post by bickazer on May 7, 2006 17:21:03 GMT -5
Uh...worlds? What do you mean by this? Do you mean, cities, countries, or...I don't understand what you mean by "worlds". Your characters sound pretty good, but this whole "worlds" thing is slightly iffy...
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Post by Revitalize Book on May 7, 2006 17:27:39 GMT -5
bickazerIt's funny that you'd call me a perfectionist because I'm really lazy and also a procrastinator. When I was younger I was a full-on perfectionist to the extent that, say, in school, I'd be ticked if I got lower than a 98% on something. But I am self-aware enough to recognize that that's a little crazy and I stopped being that hard on myself when I got bored with school, which, imo, was all for the better. I suppose at this juncture when something's important to me, like writing is, I become a perfectionist with regard to it, but, in general, not really. (An ongoing joke between myself and some of my friends is our desire for Lazy Genius University.) I do like challenging myself and don't see anything wrong with striving to be the best I can possibly be. It doesn't mean that I consider myself a failure if I don't acheive best of the best status. Ultimately, to me, it's all about effort. And I mean if something's not important to you, I'm certainly not the one to say put in your greatest effort anyway. I guess it's just that I don't compartmentalize writing at all with regard to how I go about writing it. I don't say, "This is just for fun," and so write it in Way X or "This is serious bizness," and write it in Way Y. I just...write. But I understand if you approach it differently. Whatever works for you. Also, I'm an apolitical, agnostic slacker who uses commas on an aural basis. So you're in good company. If you're just about anyone and your writing is worse than his shame on you. RukaI second Almighty's questions and concerns (though I guess the airbender Ruka was courting could have visited the North Pole where he met her?) I'd strongly suggest changing Mike's name. Because you might want it pronounced as Meeka but everyone who sees it is going to think Mike as in Michael. .... 'Lazy Genius University'....Oh my- I need to use that. May I please have your permission to use that for one of my stories? Uwah...Lazy Genius... **I want to go! XD** Awesom-possum.
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Post by almighty on May 7, 2006 19:56:05 GMT -5
Concreteangel:
Kagome Name: It doesn't seem very original to me. Kagome seems to have been drawn right out Inuyasha. -___- age: different. She's younger than the typical sue range. nations: Okay, water+fire=no. Most sues are apparently a mix between nations. parents: relationship with Zuko in any way is considered sueish. Apparently, this seems somewhat different from the typical sue because she's his adopted daughter. bender: Why would Zuko adopt a water bender? Since she's Zuko's kid, I'm assuming that you're making them live somewhere in the fire nation. What would the fire nation think? The fire nation obviously looks down upon the water tribe and its people. Even if the war ended, Aang cannot change every firebenders' beliefs. Firebenders were raised to think that they are superior over everybody else. They are just going to isolate her........ You may want to rework this. appearance: She basically looks like a water tribe girl with fire nation clothing. Again, this isn't really original. Because she's wearing fire nation clothes, she's located in the fire nation. Fire benders would not like a water tribe girl to be in their nation. Why would they? Not to mention, she doesn't know where she's from so people would view her as a peasant would was abandoned and just happened to be saved by Zuko. History/personality: She get's really mad when she hears anything bad about Zuko. This sounds like a fangirl insert right here. She desperately wants to know about her past.... well... she bends water. Wouldn't it be really obvious that she's from the water tribe? This is a side note, but I was just wondering why Katara and Aang live in the north pole when Katara originated in the south?
Shiro Name: I don't remember where, but I think I've also heard this name before as well. age: It's pretty much in the sue range. nations: Well, because his parents are Aang and Katara, I might let you slide on this one. However, just know that a mixed child of any kind is considered a Sue. bender: No. Sues are anyone who can bend more than one element. Only the avatar can bend all 4 elements. appearance: since he's in the water tribe, i guess he has to be in typical water tribe clothing. History: Well... because he's the avatar's kid, wouldn't he just travel on Appa?? Why would he want to just tag along on a fire navy ship that doesn't even sail faster than a flying bison. Again, why would he live in the north pole?? His mother is from the south, so shouldn't he live there? *I can't really give you a full review. Shiro's bio is just mainly his relationship with Kagome.. not his history or anything.
Overall: Yes. Your characters are Mary-Sues. This is mainly because they experience the typical Mary sue tragedy and mixed heritage. Not only that, they have history with the main characters that would bring those main characters out of character.
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gambitia
Fiery Ozai
millions have trembled before my pink armor!
Posts: 5,894
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Post by gambitia on May 7, 2006 20:08:54 GMT -5
^As a somewhat off-topic add-on to almighty's reply to concreteangel: Your OC seems almost identical to the OC Aiiro in Downfall by Hotspur. Don't know if you've read that or not, or if your OC was created before Hotspur's, just wanted to give you a heads-up.
Actually, Hotspur made the whole adopted-waterbender thing work out wonderfully...so it is possible.
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HawkWind
Iroh
Not bein' funny but...
Posts: 198
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Post by HawkWind on May 7, 2006 20:44:03 GMT -5
Alrighty, I really only have two right now, and they're not too big of parts of any my stories, but here we go anyway! ^_^
Name: Sutto Gender: Male Age: 16 Nation: Fire Personality: Bright and rather childish. He can be very annoying when he tries and tends to whine when he's unhappy, but that trait is mostly ignored by his friends. He has a love of jokes and every once in a while will do some sort of prank, and usually gets caught in the process. Despite his childish behavior, Sutto has a love of the Fire Navy and dreams of one day joining, he can even often offer advice that can be taken seriously now and then, and above all, he is loyal to his friends and companions. History: Son of one of the men who just barely is in the royal courts, so while he is considered Upper Class, he's around the bottom of it. As a child he often snuck into the palace gardens with a friend and played hide and seek around the plants. In one of these times, he met Zuko, who was a year older than him at the time, and worked his way into becoming Zuko's friend, if a slightly grudging friendship on Zuko's part. Once Zuko was banished from the Fire Nation, Sutto lost contact with him, and hasn't seen him since. Has enjoyed Firebending since childhood, but has never taken the time to really hone his skills. Secrets: as a child, he once stumbled across Azula playing by herself after Zuko was banished, and though he has never met her personally, he has harbored a secret crush. He plans never to act upon it, not being brave enough to actually confront her and knowing Zuko would probably not appreciate that he got mixed up with his sister.
Name: Akuro Gender: Male Age: 17 Personality: Stoic and quiet most of the time, but every once in a while can't help but tease his friends, especially Sutto, since he has known since a child. He is a good fighter and a skilled Fire Bender, and also hopes to one day join the Fire Navy. History: Like Sutto's, his father is part of the royal courts, however, his is higher ranked and comfortably Upper Class. He and Sutto often played in the royal gardens and met Zuko on one of these occasions, and both he and Sutto made a shaky friendship with him. Once Akuro turned 15, he started seeing less of Sutto, and started to work more on his fighting skills, taught by his father. He still manages to sneak away in the evenings so he and Sutto go out to bars to catch up and continue their friendship. Secrets: none, or at least he hasn't told his friends any of them if he does have them.
This is probably what their characters would be like if they were put into a non-AU story and since that is what most people use, I decided to put down that profile. In AU stories that I write, they tend to be closer to Zuko and more consistant friends, like in my story Love and War... (shameless promotion ^_^)
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fierymetis
Avatar Korra
Naruto/Sasuke is pure shonen-ai love!
Posts: 1,007
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Post by fierymetis on May 7, 2006 20:56:20 GMT -5
Ho-kay; here's mine!
Name: Aki
Gender: Female
Age: 23
Nation: Earth
Bending: None
Eyes: Green
Hair: Blonde (usually--- she changes her hair a lot). Usually kept long.
Clothes: Dark and light green dress with wide sleeves.
Weapons: A knife that she keeps tucked into the sleeve of her dress.
Personality: Aki changes her disposition to suit the situation. However, she is generally sarcastic and mean. She has no patience for stupidity and will quickly dispatch of anyone who annoys her.
History: Aki grew up nicely enough in an Earth Kingdom city. She and her parents lived comfortably and for a while, Aki was very happy. But by the time she was fifteen, she had grown weary of her quiet existence in that city and was ready to move on to better things. Her parents encouraged Aki to do whatever made her happy. Aki traveled around the Earth Kingdom, unable to find any type of work. One spring day, she met a charming young Waterbender named Yasuo. He found her work in a shop and allowed her to stay in his home. Aki fell in love with Yasuo, and he promised her that they would marry, and Aki was convinced that they would have a long, happy life together. When Yasuo ran off with the daughter of a wealthy nobleman, Aki was devastated. All her love for him turned into deep hatred and she vowed to take her revenge on him for breaking her heart. She left her job at the shop in pursuit of Yasuo. Without money for food, Aki turned to begging in the streets to get by. But she discovered a better way to get money: Aki began using her stunning beauty to her advantage, tricking wealthy men into showering her with money and expensive gifts. In order to keep this up, she was forced to change her appearance often. She would dye her hair (don't ask me how) different shades of brown and black, but usually staying golden blonde. She would cut her hair sometimes, but not often because it was restricting and took far too long to grow back out. She still searches for Yasuo, and carries a dagger with her to use when she finally catches up with him.
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Post by Mashnii on May 8, 2006 7:18:52 GMT -5
Ho-kay; here's mine! Name: Aki Gender: Female Age: 23 Nation: Earth Bending: None Eyes: Green Hair: Blonde (usually--- she changes her hair a lot). Usually kept long. Clothes: Dark and light green dress with wide sleeves. Weapons: A knife that she keeps tucked into the sleeve of her dress. Personality: Aki changes her disposition to suit the situation. However, she is generally sarcastic and mean. She has no patience for stupidity and will quickly dispatch of anyone who annoys her. History: Aki grew up nicely enough in an Earth Kingdom city. She and her parents lived comfortably and for a while, Aki was very happy. But by the time she was fifteen, she had grown weary of her quiet existence in that city and was ready to move on to better things. Her parents encouraged Aki to do whatever made her happy. Aki traveled around the Earth Kingdom, unable to find any type of work. One spring day, she met a charming young Waterbender named Yasuo. He found her work in a shop and allowed her to stay in his home. Aki fell in love with Yasuo, and he promised her that they would marry, and Aki was convinced that they would have a long, happy life together. When Yasuo ran off with the daughter of a wealthy nobleman, Aki was devastated. All her love for him turned into deep hatred and she vowed to take her revenge on him for breaking her heart. She left her job at the shop in pursuit of Yasuo. Without money for food, Aki turned to begging in the streets to get by. But she discovered a better way to get money: Aki began using her stunning beauty to her advantage, tricking wealthy men into showering her with money and expensive gifts. In order to keep this up, she was forced to change her appearance often. She would dye her hair (don't ask me how) different shades of brown and black, but usually staying golden blonde. She would cut her hair sometimes, but not often because it was restricting and took far too long to grow back out. She still searches for Yasuo, and carries a dagger with her to use when she finally catches up with him. Eh...I'll do it. Name: The fact that her name isn't exactly considered 'pretty' (e.g. Leila ), is nice to see. Age: 23 is a nice age for a woman who was engaged. I'd have to say I like the age. Nation: I'd have to say that even though she's from the Earth Kingdom, she seems as if she should be from a different nation. I dunno...she just does... Bending: The fact that she cannot bend is a good one; it doesn't stop an OC (not particularly yours) from being a Mary-Sue, but it does support it. Only a bit though. Eyes: Choosing green, the stereotypical eye color of earthbenders, is something that you should change. Thankfully, you didn't give her blue or violet eyes, but if you've noticed, only earthbenders have green eyes; regular residents tend to have brown. You might want to change that. Hair: It's interesting that she dyes it, but I don't think many people would quite comprehend how she does that (I don't ). So, even though it might seem just a tad bit more dull, you should just give her regular brown hair. Clothes: Good to go. Weapons: Step ahead, please. ;D Personality: The personality of your character bugs me only a bit. You say she is mean and sarcastic, but you don't give any good points. Everybody has good traits and bad traits, but your OC seems to consist of only faults. Give her good traits, but make sure the good traits sound like the bad ones (e.g. compassionate>overly-sensitve). History: I like her history, up unto the engagement. There, it all goes wrong. You should use her differently, instead of having her run about from places to find her old b.f., because, quite frankly, it seems somewhat flat. Try to think of another plot. In conclusion, I'd have to say she is safe. But, she does seem flat and a bit dull, especially with the plot and personality. I think that you're trying too hard to make sure that she isn't a Mary-Sue. Good effort, though!
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jadawulf
Teo
stark raving sane
Posts: 438
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Post by jadawulf on May 8, 2006 18:03:43 GMT -5
Where did this come from? That’s not true at all. Just look at this picture of Haru’s mother (who we know isn’t a bender) and you’ll see that she has green eyes. Also, I’d like to add a few things to the review of fierymetis’ character. First off, there is no evidence of hair dye in the Ava-world, nor have we ever seen a character with blonde hair. Second, I wonder how Aki is able to keep a knife in the sleeve of her dress. Just how long is it? How is it kept there? Personality- The whole thing about how she will “quickly dispatch of anyone who annoys her” is something I see all the time and, frankly, it irritates me. Do you mean she kills them? Because if you do, please realize that killing others is not an easy task; it leaves the killer mentally and emotionally scarred. History- Why would her parents allow Aki to travel the world at the age of 15? She’s so young, and her parents would want to protect her. I see so many people wanting their characters to travel the world when they’re in their early teens. If she was older it would at least be more believable… What was a waterbender doing in the Earth Kingdom? The Water Tribes were isolated for years, so you’d need a good reason for a Water Tribe citizen to live in the Earth Kingdom. How old was Aki at this point, anyway? And how old was Yasuo? Finally, it wasn't socially acceptable at the time for a young, unmarried woman to be living with a man. Another thing that I see very often in OCs is a want for revenge. This isn’t the first thought of someone who’s devastated, and I don’t see why she would go through all the trouble of finding him when she has no money to support herself. Oh, and one more thing: she “uses her stunning beauty to her advantage”? -_-;;
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Post by Mashnii on May 8, 2006 18:12:25 GMT -5
True. Sorry 'bout that, but I've seen other screen captures of non-benders (all from the Earth Kingdom) with brown eyes. www.firebender.com/w4/images/109.jpgBut, anyways. Let us continue!
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