ilovetaang03
Avatar Yangchen 
Im a secret AGENT MAN. A SECRET AGENT MAN!!!! (though im a girl)
Posts: 1,522
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Post by ilovetaang03 on Jan 6, 2008 17:05:00 GMT -5
here is a random poem i thought of
ok here it is enjoy!!:
WHERE WERE YOU..
Where were you, when i needed you?
Where were you, when the car door slammed?
Where were you, when every thing seemed supposibly fine?
Where were you, when there was a deafening crash?
Where were you, when the world turned black?
Where were you...... when our world changed?
ok bye
read, respond, enjoy
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Konoko14
Katara 
"Trigg-a Happy"
Posts: 89
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Post by Konoko14 on Jan 7, 2008 5:33:49 GMT -5
Very nice flow of words... But some of the phrases after WWY are sort of random...
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Post by Dutchy on Jan 7, 2008 13:40:22 GMT -5
It's ok but, don't take this wrong
But you used too much already used material
I don't mean to offend you it's just what I think about it
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ilovetaang03
Avatar Yangchen
Im a secret AGENT MAN. A SECRET AGENT MAN!!!! (though im a girl)
Posts: 1,522
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Post by ilovetaang03 on Jan 7, 2008 16:00:09 GMT -5
the poem's about some one in a car crash
yeah
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Post by aangxchild on Jan 7, 2008 21:20:46 GMT -5
I think you need to work on making the poem send out more emotion... It's a good start, but I'm not exactly feeling the tone of someone's death in a car crash, I feel someone's greed, basically stating, "When I needed You." But wait you're dead, dang you. That's kind of what I get out of the poem. All you need to do is make the poem more emotional so it touches the heart, not the mind. </3 |
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Post by Empy on Jan 7, 2008 21:47:37 GMT -5
I agree with Azula but I also think that you could use more description so we get a better idea of what's going on. I realize in poetry, one conveys an idea with as few words as possible but in this case, it was hard for me to grasp the situation without you telling us. It could have been a plane crash, the end of the world, anything really. So maybe think about that next time. It's a good start though as Azula said.
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ilovetaang03
Avatar Yangchen
Im a secret AGENT MAN. A SECRET AGENT MAN!!!! (though im a girl)
Posts: 1,522
|
Post by ilovetaang03 on Jan 8, 2008 15:08:48 GMT -5
rite
yeah thanks ill edit it later
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